There is no justice on the planet earth. No court, no God, no government can control the injustices that happen in this world. There are two grave injustices that I want to focus on today. There are lots, like starving children and soft toilet paper being expensive. They are not topics for today, perhaps tomorrow. When you think about it though, those two injustices never go together. If you’re hungry you don’t shit. If you have rough toilet paper, at least you’re eating. Nobody can ever complain about them both.
Injustice Number One:
Hitler achieved more in his lifetime than I, you, or anyone any of us know ever will. He had more money and power despite being evil.
Say you what you want about the NAZI bastard, he got shit done. A lot of people I know like to try to put a positive spin on things. They say that everything happens for a reason. That being the case, then why the Holocaust? Why did so many have to die in concentration camps and in war because one man had an ideology of what the perfect human being was? Well, I guess I’ll try to put something positive that may come out of it. Work ethic. Looking at Hitler, he had such a great work ethic. He was born a poor Austrian boy (still some debate on the boy part) and rose up from the ashes to live his dreams of massacring millions. It’s the American dream, except instead of making 6 million dollars a year playing baseball, that’s how many people he killed.
Like any dictator or bad boy rocker, Hitler had a soft side. He was a vegetarian and an avid animal lover. So the next time PETA asks you for donations, don’t give them any. They could be the next evil doer. I’m sure there are a lot more funny things about Hitler, but not much is known. There was a rumor I once heard that he had one of his testicles removed because during his passionate speeches he would ejaculate into his snazzy NAZI trousers. Imagine that. Someone that loves themselves so much that hearing themselves talk about what they loved would make them cum. Evil man. Passionate about his beliefs. Another thing a lot of people don’t have, passion. How many people do you know that sleep away their dreams and don’t get out of bed until they have to? Complain about their problems and do nothing to solve them? They’re good people, yes, but lazy motherfuckers. There are people who do and people who sit around eating potato chips all day watching sports. Hitler never ate a potato chip in his life. He nearly dominated the entire world. We’d admire him if instead of killing others he was out planting trees. Christ, where did his parents go wrong?
Cult comedian Bill Hicks put it best when he said “Hitler had the right idea, he was just an underachiever.” He went on to proclaim that Hitler should kill off the entire human race, not selectively. The relevant part of the quote is the underachievement part. Yes, Hitler’s plan failed miserably. He thought by the end he’d be regarded as the greatest hero in the history of the world, not the biggest villain since Cesar Romero’s portrayal of The Joker. To take anything positive away from the atrocities he committed, it’s that if you put your mind to anything and want it bad enough, you may come pretty damn close as long as a fat British Prime Minister doesn’t get in your way.
Injustice Number Two:
Nuns still get their period, cramps, and other PMS issues.
I never thought I’d be discussing Hitler and nuns consequentially and not be referring to winning costumes at a Halloween bash. There’s a day for everything. I think the least a higher power could do is take away the menstrual cramps that a nun has. She’s pledged her life to be the bride of Christ and she still gets her monthly visitor? No wonder they’re so mean. Nuns can’t catch a break. They have to wear those big habits even when it’s hot out. Even mascots get to take a break every inning or so. There better be an afterlife or else they’ll have egg all over their faces.
Nuns also can get cancer, constipation, hit by buses, and every other horrible thing happen to them. They gain no immortality by pledging their allegiance to Jesus. I have to respect them for that. Mad props nuns, mad props.