Birthday Steaks

Posted: October 1, 2011 in Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , , ,

I don’t get why desserts are so coveted at parties. The way people rush to consume them is so primal and animalistic. I’ve seen some of the slowest and dumbest human beings win races through mazes to get to cake before anyone else. Sometimes they pull muscles ad can’t move for a few weeks. All of this to get a piece of cake. A piece of disgusting, sugar laced death.

Cakes aren’t the only dessert, obviously. It’s just the most common, easily transportable, lets bring this into a public place, dessert. Personally, brownies are better. They own cake. Whenever I eat cake I can feel my toes trying to fall off. My teeth tingle too. They want to rot out of my mouth. The thing is, I get that same feeling with brownies too. The same goes with ice cream except I also get brain freeze and want to hit something while crying. That’s why I avoid desserts as much as I can. They are trying to kill me and aren’t afraid to let me know it.

I will only eat birthday cake if it’s my own birthday or the birthday of a good friend. I have few friends and none of them are good, so that leaves my birthday. I feel better not eating desserts. Whenever I do eat them, I eat too much of them. They’re all I think about. I need to keep my head clear from all of the sugar. I’m convinced that the Illuminati are the ones that run the sugar companies and they are controlling our minds with it. Think about it. Fat people are always upset and lazy. Who else is upset and lazy? Zombies! Exactly the type of humans the Illuminati want us to be.

Okay, maybe I don’t really believe the Illuminati are trying to control our minds with sugar. They have drinking water and invisible sprays for that.

With America waking up and realizing how fat we all are, it seems less and less people are indulging in sweets. Of course, less and less people means more and more for those who don’t deprive themselves. Women should only have boobs on the front of their bodies, not the back of their knees.

Diabetes is at an all-time high and that means absolutely nothing to my argument. Let me get sidetracked on stats for a second. Saying that something like diabetes is at its peak is really stretching the truth. How long have they kept these stats? Not very long in the ratio of human history. How many people are in this world? Far more than there used to be, paving the way for more people to have diabetes. How terrible for us are the foods we eat? Much worse than they used to be. No wonder it seems like we’re all going to get our foots cut off.

From now on I don’t want people to give me cake for my birthday (which is coming up soon I should mention). Get me a steak instead. A nice big juicy lean piece of steak. Desserts are so cheap and a steak is expensive. It’ll mean more. You can get a tub of ice cream for like $4. A steak costs a lot more and it’s a lot better for you and a lot better tasting. Cooked correctly, it can also fit a candle in it perfectly. A Birthday Steak doesn’t sound so terrible now does it? I’ve already eaten dinner tonight and want more just thinking about it.

I know exactly why my perfect dream will never come true. Vegetarians. Yeah, those pesky idiots. I respect anyone who values the life of animals and their own health. I really do. It’s when they ruin the fun for us carnivores that I break out the ass kicking boots.

Life is this simple. Pay attention. You can do whatever you want, whenever you want, as long as it doesn’t ruin things for anybody else. And by ruin I mean prevent them from doing what it is that they want to do. Vegetarians can eat as much tofu as they want, as long as they never bother me with how much meat I eat. You’re not me and you will never kill the carnivorous instinct we all have. Even Adam & Eve ate meat, at least they should have. If they did eat meat then they would have been too full to eat a stupid apple and all of us would be living in paradise! It’s vegetarians who have created original sin. If you all choke on a veggie burger then we’d all be much happier.

Desserts should never leave the mainstream. I would hate if they do. Sometimes I need them. I’ll sit in my car and eat a stack of donuts and hate myself five minutes later. I need those moments every once in a while. I need to feel weak. Other people need desserts to make them feel good, that’s fine too. I don’t want to abolish desserts at all. What I want is the chance to have something different in celebration of the day you came out of a vagina. That’s it.

“Give me a Birthday Steak or give me death.” – Patrick Henry

Comments
  1. Va Va Doom says:

    My birthday is in June and I always like to have pumpkin pie instead of cake. It’s out of season, so it’s a nice change, and f-word-ing delicious.

    My family is huge and we have multiple birthdays a month so I will never have a cake shortage in my life. I don’t get nearly enough steak though. Maybe only once every month or two. You may be on to something here…

    • mooselicker says:

      My family is real small and most of us don’t like each other anyway. Most of our birthdays are around the same time.

      It’s got to be the fact that candles can’t go into a steak that prevents my dreams from coming true. People are too much into traditions 😦

  2. mindwarpfx says:

    The T-rex in me says your right. I’ll have my veg after the cow has them, then I’ll grill them up together in the neet package of one nice steak! Cheers! Happy birthday just had mine.

  3. cool website, rss following now and wish to see many similar posts soon. I have my own poker blog nothing special.

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