It’s time to celebrate. This is my 100th blog post. I know, I know. It’s a record. Nobody has ever posted 100 posts on a single blog. It truly is remarkable. I’m like Cal Ripken without the grey hair in my 20s. Actually that’s a bad comparison. Cal Ripken is the consistent guy, not the record-setting one. In that case I’m like Pete Rose without the gambling problem and retarded kid haircut. It doesn’t matter how many hits you got Pete, I still have a better chance at making the Baseball Hall of Fame than you do.
I would like to take a moment to pay tribute to not only my blog, but also to those who have made this blog possible, viewers like you. Now lets take a look back at where this blog came from. A trip down memory lane without the repressed memories.
The blog started in late April of 2011 with a simple observation I wanted to make to the public:
From there I had no idea where this would go. I covered an array of topics.
The first comment on a blog that I posted came from my girlfriend in a post:
It was basically a review of the film Machete and how upset with it that I was. I don’t review things often, but that’s because I’m about 10 years behind on television. My prediction, the people on the Lost island get home safely.
My last post at my first blogging attempt here was right around Memorial Day. It was my attempt at finding out who has more holidays, the military or God:
Then tragedy struck. The neighbors whose WiFi I was using caught on and blocked it. Fuckers! How dare they. So I had to move on. I lost interest and took a hiatus over the summer. I worked on writing other things, two television pilots that will probably be rejected 500 times before one person says they’ll read it, then reject it. I also started a few potential novels and a screenplay. None of them were completed. With no ideas left to try to further my career into Hollywood stardom, I came crawling back to the blog that I started some months back. My first real post was a battle between religions.
That post proved how much of a hack I was. It was very little different from my last one, but it entertained me nonetheless.
I continued my blogging ventures. I was angry. I had a lot I wanted to let out that I didn’t know how to in other mediums. Finally I got my first subscriber:
And then only hours later I got my second:
It was great to know that new people would actually be reading what I had written. When I originally started my blog, I did no promoting. I didn’t tag posts and I didn’t publicize it anywhere. I never commented on other pages and none of that bothered me. I was blogging purely for therapy. I don’t know what happened in my head, but when I started back up again I actually wanted my voice heard. Stupid me. Now I’ll just see myself as a failure unless I get another million subscribers.
I started to check out a few new blogs. I found that it would be impossible for others to find me if I didn’t find them first. I found a couple of new cool blogs of great writers and interesting people. Some of them I still go back to, but they didn’t subscribe to me. Some of them did subscribe to me. Some of them subscribed to me, but I did not subscribe to them. But I am only paying homage to those who did subscribe to me.
I got my first female subscriber:
(I would post your link here, but whenever I click on your profile in my subscriptions the wrong blog comes up. I think your username used to be Creamsicle and now it’s “Yeah Its College.” You were writing about your college experiences and you said to me that you go to Cornell. In short, if you still happen to read my blog and you see this, leave a comment and I will put a giant link over all of this. I haven’t been able to check out your blog again for many of the above reasons. I doubt I’ll here from you and in that case I may link this to something vulgar. Hurry up!)
But that wasn’t enough! My female “fan base” continued to build. I got my second female subscriber:
Followed soon after by a third:
Yep, I’m a ladies man. There’s just something about me that makes girls go crazy!
With the help of the subscribers I managed to get a bunch more views and even more subscribers. A few more subscribers came along.
A very diverse group if there ever was one. To back track a bit, I also subscribed to my own blog and could not unsubscribe. I could be an ass and link that back to here, but I won’t do that. Instead I’ll give a link to a random old post I made:
After my first 4 months of having this blog, I had 53 views. Pathetic, ain’t it? Then came Saturday September 24th, a record setting day when I reached triple digits. I got exactly 100 views in that day alone. A tremendous victory. What else comes in hundreds you ask? Money with Benjamin Franklin’s picture on it does. That’s about it, but it’s still a great number to achieve. It’s the same amount of home runs that John Kruk hit in his career. He also had exactly a .300 batting average. I love perfect round numbers like that. I also like perfectly run athletes like Mr. Kruk.
My record-setting day also allowed me to gain a few more subscribers. One of them:
And then the other a few days later:
Things were looking great for this Moose Licking idiot. As I type that I wonder how many people think I meant Moose Liker. I didn’t. I meant lick. Like what you do with your tongue to a favorite teacher for an A.
In this time I have also had a couple of great search engine terms to get to my blog. Some of them were standard. “Tara True Blood” let that stranger to this:
My best achievement though was being the second website to come up when the search “El Chupacabra Diet” was put into a search engine. That lead cryptzoologists to this post:
With the massive amount of success I was gaining, word spreading through the United States and now oversees I gained a new subscriber:
Doing the match and reading their blogs, it appeared that my influence was gaining popularity over in the United Kingdom. I knew this because they spelt favorite as “favourite” and the racist ones would call President Obama “that coloured guy.” Typical English, always overcomplicating things. At least it’s a “U” they’re using. Americans would somehow manage to work the letter “I” into those words, what with our arrogant attitudes and such.
Still, my favorite (favourite for my British friends) search engine term that has led to my blog is “Marge Simpson Naked.” It made my day to see that some creep wanting to see naked yellow cartoon tits instead was treated to this:
That above post is almost my most viewed one. I don’t know what it is. I guess it has cartoon characters for children and dicks for adults.
Another sexually explicit post of mine getting a lot of attention is:
Like myself, others on the interwebs have mistaken the radio advertisements for “Bareskin Condoms” as being made of real bear skin. Woops! Any combination of the words “bearskin” and “condoms” has lead horny bastards to that post.
Lately though there has been competition. One of my newer posts has gotten a lot of comments and views. Sure, most are by me, but I am a human being too. See it here:
Right now my total views stands at 1177, when as I mentioned before, I only had 53 when I started blogging again back at the end of August. I appreciate the feedback everyone has given me. I love the subscribers that I have. And just because I don’t subscribe to you does not mean I don’t like you. I still read your blogs and just don’t want to fill up my inbox. I know that’s a shit reason that you could probably use too, but it seems like I always overlook other e-mails that are more important than you complaining about your dinner or science teacher.
I hope you continue to read my posts and I hope that you do in fact enjoy them. There are other people who read this that do not have their own blogs that claim to read consistently and I appreciate their support as well. Continue to read my blog and continue to work on your own. Maybe one day one of us will become famous and the lesser known one can say “Hey, I know that person.” That will be a cool thing. To find out that you were one of the first people to read about my thoughts before I became a world-class sensation. The first man to throw a punch on Mars. You’ll have this blog here to prove to your friends and family that you were with me at the beginning. For that I thank you. Best of luck to you and may you continue the pursuit of happiness.