Posted: October 6, 2011 in Uncategorized
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An argument I hear often to defend The Bible by those who believe it is that you cannot criticize unless you have indeed read The Bible. I have not read The Bible. I’m a snob so I never read best-selling books. The Diary of Anne Frank, The Secret, Webster’s Dictionary, The Da Vinci Code, Harry Potter, I don’t read any of them. Despite not reading them, I know what they’re about. Like, really well too.

The Diary of Anne Frank is about a Jewish girl in WWII who has to hide away in an Amsterdam attic. There is no marijuana or goofy Harold and Kumar humor in it either. I think Neil Patrick Harris does make an appearance, but it’s not as good as it was in H&K. Boring!

The Secret is about the power of wishing. If you wish for something hard enough, it will come true. It’s blind faith and people only believe it will work because they go out and do it themselves. Give yourself credit. You’re not as lousy as you think and God shouldn’t get all the acknowledgement for your ability to imagine a bike and then one to appear. Lame-O!

Webster’s Dictionary is the greatest book of all time. It has vulgarity and you can have it in schools. Teachers used to make bad kids copy pages of the dictionary as a punishment when I was in school. Luckily my handwriting looks just like print and I had access to a photocopy machine. Pass!

The Da Vinci Code is about the idea that one of the dudes at the Last Supper was really a dame. I don’t know how this would really change religion. Tom Hanks had a bad haircut in the movie which pretty much ruined things. Next!

Harry Potter is about a magical teenage boy with glasses. His parents are dead and Hans Gruber’s motives are never quite known. The head wizard is also a homosexual. Yeah, very whimsical. Snot!

The Bible people are the most critical of all, but when we criticize their little red book (it really is no different from a Mao pamphlet). They will say that something is bad before really truly discovering it. There are lists on the Internet of movies and books that go against The Bible. People don’t get to choose what movies they see or what the movies represent, some old guys in funny hats do.

You don’t have to be an expert to be judgmental on a topic. Nobody is an expert on women but men can make assumptions and judgment calls on them based on their experience. The same goes the other way around. A movie preview shows you exactly that, a preview of what it is all about. If you see Nick Swardson in it, chances are you’ll be bummed out.

Being critical lets us improve. They say never judge a book by it’s cover. Well if the cover is of two guys making out with their hands down each others pants, I’m probably not going to give it to a child. We’re supposed to judge things. That’s what our entire legal system is. We can never have all of the answers or all of the knowledge. Sometimes knowing a smidge can help each of us form enough of an opinion on a topic. I’ve seen enough parodies of The Bible to know what it’s about. Maybe I’ll get around to reading it someday, but for now I’ll stick to episodes of The Simpsons and South Park for my knowledge of the greatest story ever told.

“The characters you are about to see are not based on real people or actual events.” – The missing page of The Bible

  1. malf922 says:

    Even if I believed in The Bible, which I’ve read due to 9 years of Catholic school, I still wouldn’t read it. The fact that I think it, along with the concept of God is silly doesn’t help, but it’s just too damn long. Your Hans Gruber reference made me laugh. I’m a huge Die Hard fan.

    • mooselicker says:

      That’s what’s wrong with the Bible, not enough Die Hard references. They couldn’t throw in at least one scene where Jesus shoots a German? I guess Karl was the Lazarus, coming back from the dead only to get shot by Reginald Vel Johnson.

      I want to stop now because I could talk Die Hard forever and I haven’t even seen it in years.

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