Despite my vast fame, I still get excited to spot one of my fellow famous mates out on the town. You have to figure, if you walk around New York City or Los Angeles all day long, you’re bound to at some point cross paths with a famous person. Even if you’re not a fan of theirs, they are still famous. Most famous people I am not a fan of. Every politician, every country singer, every soap opera star is famous and I hate them all.
I’ve met a lot of athletes in my time. The most famous was probably Derek Jeter. He asked me how I was and I said good. Then he signed my baseball card and got into a nice car with a big black bodyguard. It wasn’t an amazing experience or anything. I had to lie to an old man to meet him. He told me not to “sass him” anymore or else I wouldn’t get to meet the Mr. Jeter. I stuck my tongue out when he wasn’t looking and he still probably works security at a Trenton sports complex. He didn’t get to meet Derek Jeter. He had to smell my fingers to get a whiff of an overrated short stop.
I don’t want to brag about all of the famous athletes I have met. It doesn’t even impress me. If I met the athletes unexpectedly then I might be more excited to share my stories. I met Willie Mays at the baseball hall of fame. If I met him at a soup exhibition then I would have a much better story than an old guy sitting at a table mumbling something and autographing the same baseball twice. Does that mean it’s twice as valuable?
When I used to go to New York often I would see famous people quite often. It was kind of cool, especially when they didn’t give a shit who I was or what I was selling. The least famous person I recognized was that douche from American Idol with the dreadlocks and pretty eyes. I’ll give him that. He has gorgeous eyes. He walked by me on his cell phone in a pair of flip-flops. I don’t know who wears flip-flops in New York City. I guess he really wanted to step on an AIDS needle badly. A group of girls saw him then giggled. I asked them if he was from American Idol and they confirmed it then said how cute he was. I asked them if they recognized me from American Idol, trying to see if I could fool them into fooling around. It backfired and they ganged up on me then stole my wallet.
Another famous person that you probably don’t know that I saw was former WWE wrestler Batista. He was with fellow wrestler, Melina who is one of those women that sometimes is hot and sometimes has a horse-face. Or maybe sometimes I just want to fuck a horse. I haven’t decided yet. They were sitting in Times Square at 10 o’clock on a Tuesday getting their caricatures done by Chinese men. Batista looked angry and Melina looked like she was just trying to be nice and sit still. Me and a group of black kids gathered around and pointed and shouted their names at them like they didn’t know who they were. Neither of them are with the WWE anymore and that makes this celebrity sighting very unimpressive.
Then there are sightings that I’m not positive about. I thought I saw Morgan Freeman, but then I realized that I think all old black men look-alike. Rats!
I was with a friend at one time and a musical had just gotten out. He said to me “Hey that’s DMX.” Then he yelled “Hey DMX!” A black man waved to us so we can only assume that it was DMX. You remember him. He had that song where he just says that his name is DMX. It was popular when I was 11. No?
The only possible famous person I saw in a bar was High School Musical alumni Lucas Grabel. He plays Ashley Tisdale’s closeted homosexual brother in the movies. He was standing with a large group of friends, the center of all their attention. Chances are, it wasn’t him. I can never imagine someone from the Disney Channel doing something sinful like drinking, drugging, self-mutilation, posing naked, being a slut, cursing, or anything else that they always end up doing.
Years before he was famous, I swore that I saw Michael Cera in a bar. I didn’t know his name. This was pre-Superbad so I had no business being in a bar as I was maybe 18 years old. I only knew his character name from Arrested Development, George Michael. I shouted it to see if he’d turn and look. He didn’t. Maybe it was because he wasn’t in character. I still like to think that it was him and he was getting beers with a fake ID.
Then there are times that I see celebrities outside of major metropolitans. I saw prop comedian Carrot Top at a train station. He was walking around with his assistant and lots of bags (his act). He went into the bathroom and I debated whether I should get a glimpse of his famous genitals or not. I really should have, but I didn’t. When he came back out a few people shook his hand and pretended to be fans. I looked at him and smiled. That was my way of acknowledging that I recognized him, but wasn’t much of a fan. If I ever become famous and someone comes up to me and says they’re a big fan I’m going to ask them what their favorite thing I ever did was. This will leave them feeling awkward and hating me. Anything to ruin another person’s day.
He is not famous, but I feel like I should mention that during my second semester of college, the man who sat next to me in my television class was the original drummer from the band Phish. At least, he claimed to be and adjusting the Wikipedia page to say so. All year he tried to sell his CD to students and at the end gave me a free one. I still have it and I completely understand why he was kicked out. He also got angry with me for mispronouncing the word “genre” because back then I pronounced it “ga-nair.” That really bothered him. We made friends again when I didn’t tell the teach that he spent most of class filming the blonde girl in the front row.
I shook the hand that shook the world in Maury Povich. The same hand that has rubbed the foreheads for good luck of so many kids with aging diseases. It was after the taping of his show, which isn’t exiting. I knew he would be there and he wore a big coat and looked frail. He didn’t want to touch my hand. He knew one would smell like ass and the other would smell like cock. I knew the same about him and that’s precisely why I shook his. Count this as also meeting Connie Chung as I’m sure a piece of her skin got stuck under my finger nail.
I hope to eventually meet more famous people in my time on earth. But like I have already said, I’m sure I have. Kim Kardashian is, in Joel McHale’s words “famous for having a big ass and a sex tape.” That’s all it takes now. We reward that. Losers don’t even have to shoot a president anymore to get their name out there. They just have to lie on their backs while a wide receiver widens them with his receiver. I really hope Reggie Bush plays wide receiver otherwise that little joke doesn’t make sense.
P.S. To my 3 1/2 loyal followers (the half comes from me reading your posts and I’ve come to the conclusion that you have no legs)
No new posts until Monday. I’ll be having a gigantic birthday bonanza and probably crying alone at an aquarium. Take this time to catch up on older blogs of mine if you miss me.