Preface: Okay I lied yesterday. I said that I wasn’t posting anything new until Monday. I got bored so here’s a special treat for you.
“Stick to your day job.”
If you suck at anything, you’ve heard that phrase. I’ve heard it once and it was at my day job. My boss said it and it was her way of telling me to stay around and get a promotion. Now I make lots of money and am the head of the western sales region. I’m glad I stuck with my day job!
I didn’t quit. If the above fictitious story tells you anything, it’s not to quit. Sometimes it’s good to be a quitter. Here are two people who I wouldn’t mind quitting.
1) Tim Burton
He has not made a good movie since 1998. And by good I mean entertaining and somewhat original. Sleepy Hollow did exactly what I wanted it to do for me. It had me entertained. The pedophile from Ferris Bueller’s Day Off gets his head caved in which was awesome. Johnny Rico from Starship Troopers gets his head chopped off next to a bridge which was even better. And Christopher Walken made a cameo as a Hessian only to get his head chopped off and then buried separately from his body. I think I’ve sold a copy.
Tim Burton to me is the most unoriginal filmmaker out there. He can’t make an original movie. All of his ideas are stolen now. It’s like he had some great original ideas (Nightmare Before Christmas, Edward Scissorhands) and then stopped caring. He got married to the chick from Fight Club and that was that. In fact, I like all Tim Burton’s movies pre-Fight Club. The first two Batman movies were awesome. Much better than the stupid Batman Begins or Dark Knight scenes without The Joker. Batman Begins was terrible. The Scarecrow was barely in it. What the hell man? He’s one of the best obscure villains and he’s barely in it. Plus you got that dick-sucking-lipped Cillian Murphy to play him. I don’t have a problem with Cillian Murphy. I just think he should be doing gay porn instead of playing comic book villains.
In this century, Tim Burton has made nothing but duds. Corpse Bride was just Nightmare Before Christmas but with a blue chick. Why not just make it a sequel? At least then you’d be stealing your own ideas. He did Charlie and the Chocolate Factory which was dreadful. The original film is a classic. It made me want to eat chocolate nonstop and that’s all I ever remembered doing as a kid. They didn’t even have music in Mr. Burton’s version. I guess he made up for it with the lousy Sweeney Todd, ripping off the musical of the same name. Look, a movie with Johnny Depp and Helen Bonham Carter, your wife. This isn’t like anything else I’ve seen. Just last year he had Alice in Wonderland come out. For some reason, he thought it would be cool to have Alice be the heir of a world traveler and at the end she would suggest that her dead father’s friends trade with China. What the fuck? You learned all that from talking animals, a pot smoking caterpillar, and Burton‘s butt buddies Johnny Depp and Helen Bonham Carter? Shit. I don’t care if you’re “following the original stories” more closely. The reason that the original films were made the way they were is because the original stories had flaws. People who want to know the original stories will, guess what, read the book!
I have now sworn off seeing any more Tim Burton movies. I have had it with him. I was very excited about Alice in Wonderland, a dark version of it that shouldn’t have ended with Johnny Depp doing a dumb dance. It was shit. Any movie with Johnny Depp is fantastic except when he dances. Please Mr. Depp, if you happen to be browsing every website with your name on it, stop dancing in your movies. Why do I get the feeling that the Illuminati will force him to do a Dirty Dancing remake just to piss me off?
2) M. Night Shyamalan (and no, if I spelt it wrong I am not changing it, phonetic spellings exist for Indian last names)
He’s become a parody of himself. The Twilight Zone was a half hour show for a reason. 80 minutes of boring dialogue with a pretty setting doesn’t cut it for an implausible twist.
M.’s first movie that really made it big was of course The Sixth Sense. He had another before that which had Rosie O’Donnell playing a nun. I remember the trailer for this too and the main kid in the movie saying “You’re so pretty you could be in a calendar.” That line of course not being said to Ms. O’Donnell. Everybody agrees that The Sixth Sense was his best movie. It caught everybody off guard and a kid outside of the theater where I saw it said “That was the best movie I ever saw!” Kids know best. That’s why Justin Bieber has like a billion dollars. Christ I wish I was still blonde.
Then came Unbreakable and Signs which people seemed to enjoy. They were entertaining, dark, and had big names in them. That’s what gets people to go to the movies. A recognizable name. A person is his own product. Maybe that’s where he went wrong with his first real dude, The Village.
The Village had Adrien Brody, Sigourney Weaver, and Richie Cunningham from Happy Day’s daughter in it. The main star of the entire film was Joaquin Phoenix. A guy who was raised in a cult of nuts and the one we all wish had turned out like River instead. He tried to act silly and doing weird schtick to get hype for a movie about him wanting to be a rapper, but it was all fake and nobody cared. He has a hair lip and he’s not as handsome as his dead brother. That was M.’s problem. He could write movies about ghosts but he can only get the surviving family members of them to actually play a role in his films.
Lady in the Water came around at some point. So did The Happening. Those two get lumped together. Nobody likes them. My dad told me to buy his girlfriend Lady in the Water for her birthday one year. I warned him and now he has to breath through his neck thanks to a stab wound. My girlfriend liked The Happening and owns it. The movie sold 3 copies total in the entire world. The other 2 were by suicide bombers needing something cheap to place their bomb wires in.
Somewhere in there M. tried to change genres. He made The Last Airbender. I guess this was a “twist” on his life. Nobody liked the movie and it’s probably because they didn’t know it was based on something that already sucked. It’s the only movie of his that I haven’t at least seen a part of. I never will either. Bending air sounds lame and if it’s the last then it looks like I have a lot of catching up to do! Hardy Har.
From ghosts, to aliens, to plants making people commit suicide, M. has jumped the shark. If he doesn’t get what that means, go ask Richie Cunningham’s daughter who you seem to be so fond of. Her uncle Arthur Fonzerelli can explain it.
“Ehhh!” – The Fonz or every Canadian falling to his death