I used to be a really fat kid. Like really fat. Like so fat that people don’t make fun of you to your face fat. That kind of fat.
Looking back (which was difficult to do when I was so overweight) maybe they did make fun of me to my face. When people get too fat their faces all look the same. It’s like how you can see a midget’s face and know that it is a midget. Yes, I use the word midget. Calling them little people is too trendy and has to be offensive to children, the true little people in this world.
Growing up overweight is difficult. Everybody knows that. Fat kids are often the target of ridicule and I don’t blame the bullies for that. Fat kids are too easy to make fun of. I still make fun of them. If I’m driving and see a fat child waiting for the bus, I’ll shout something out at him. Lucky for fat kids, I rarely wake up before 9:30. They’re usually already stealing lunches by then.
Keep in mind, my advantages here are based on my own experience. They only pertain to people who were fat and no longer are. If you grew up fat, remained fat, and died fat then I guess there are no real advantages except for always being recognized by old friends. And really, isn’t that a disadvantage?
I can fit into clothing that I could fit into when I was 12. This isn’t in the same oddly sexy way an 18-year-old girl will wear her DARE t-shirt from 5th grade (Safety Town shirts for those who are familiar with what that is). This is an advantage for me now because old stuff is cool again. I was a 90s kid and t-shirts from the 90s are absolutely trendy. Thrift stores are every hipster’s favorite place to shop. I don’t need to do that. I can just put on Ninja Turtles and Lenny Dykstra t-shirts that I used to wear when I was 7. It saves me from all the problems that those thrift store girls with the piercing and multicolored hair can give you when trying to ask them questions. Never trust someone with more than one hair color. Even then one of the colors should be grey and it should be two colors because of a bad dye job.
It’s great to run into old people who haven’t seen me in years. They’re always amazed that I’m not a complete fat piece of shit. They had low expectations of me. These are just the trusted adults that watched over me as a young boy too. Girls are always also automatically more attracted to former fatties. The same goes for guys. You’ve seen what they look like fat and didn’t like it. Anything better than that fat mess you used to be is stunningly beautiful.
There’s a guy I know that used to be fat. To be honest, he still is fat. He has really bad posture. Every time I see him I go home and stretch out my back just so I don’t end up with a hunchback like him. He carries around a picture of himself when he used to be fat. He shows people this. Why? Because chicks will find him less repulsive now then the way he looks in that picture. Fucking high-shouldered creep.
I get to make a lot of excuses by having a past that involved making it difficult to get through doorways. If people think that I didn’t do enough cool things or have a lot of friends when I was younger, I explain to them that I was overweight. It negates everything. It automatically makes me a late bloomer. My past discretion allow for me to be a failure now too. When I rarely screw up and am yelled at, I just remind whoever is hollering that “at least I’m not fat.” That usually makes them feel better for some odd reason. Nobody likes the company of fat people. Except for those birds that sit on the backs of hippos.
Fat people are always the most understanding. Usually the older they get, the more friends they have. They are friendly because they grew up having to be that way. Nobody wanted anything else from them except to be fed compliments. Once you’ve been fat you can put yourself in the shoes of any other victim. No matter what language you speak or what religion you follow, fat people are universally a joke. When you need an ear to listen, turn to the fattest fuck you know.
It’s almost impossible for me to gain too much weight now. I try to take care of myself and can be strict at times, but even without paying attention my weight never fluctuates more than 10 pounds of my average. My metabolism is so high now that I chomp down entire boxes of cereal, packages of cheese, sticks of butter, and it never really has effected me. Sure, I’ve had to shit a lot the next day or felt really sick, but I haven’t put on much weight from it.
Your body never really adjusts to the way it functions once you lose weight. It still wants you to stuff yourself with peanut butter candies and pudding on top of a fried cake with a side of raw cookie dough. I can eat like an average fat person and my body thinks it’s me eating healthy. Screw exploring space. Our bodies are much more interesting and mysterious. At least mine. Come explore it.