I have mentioned previously that I am trying to learn more about animals. I haven’t lived up to that end of my bargain. It’s not an actual bargain I’ve made with anyone but myself. Bargains usually involve some give and take. If somebody is willing to do a little bit of a trade-off for every interesting animal fact I come up with, I am all for it. Make it a good bargain and worth my time though. Like every fact I find you have to sent me a dollar. Something along those lines or else you’ll never learn more about rhinoceroses.
I’m sitting next to a snoring dog right now trying to think up ideas on something interesting and productive to write. I have three current projects. One is working on a book I began writing a few weeks ago. It’s up to 45 pages which is usually wear I lose interest. I’m adding in a lot of violence now and gave all of the characters super powers so hopefully that will keep me interested. Another project of mine is working on a screenplay that I just got the idea for 3 days ago while waiting for a train. It’s about Welsh accents. Until it’s written and I’ve registered it with the Guild, that’s all you will know. As I’ve mentioned before, I am constantly doing battle with the all-knowing Illuminati. They would love to get their greasy hands on my brain to steal my ideas. I have to be careful. I hope you understand. My third project is going back and “punching up” a few things that I have previously wrote. I have 13 episodes of an original television show written and to keep myself sharp, I’m going back and making them better. I wrote most of them in the span of about 3 months. Some of them were written in a day where I would not leave my apartment. You can understand that they probably aren’t too amazing and could use a little bit of a tune up.
So that’s what I’m working on. I go back and forth on each. I get bored after only a few minutes. Then my dog comes and sits next to me. He doesn’t sit next to me much. It’s exciting. He snores loudly too. And that’s when I decided that I should make a list of zoo animals and what’s great about them.
Now presenting, in the particular order that I think of them, zoo animals and what I think about them.
Cheetahs – They are lame. All you ever hear about cheetahs is how fast they run and in a zoo you can’t see that. It’s no different than if you heard that the fastest fish was at an aquarium and they kept it out of water. Cheetahs also run so fast that videos of them are never good unless it’s in slow motion. They’re divas, needing to be slowed down like they’re Jennifer Love Hewitt entering the room to be relevant.
Elephants – My problem with elephants at a zoo is that they’re always so far away. I understand that they’re easy target to throw something at and that’s why they’re probably always so far away from the crowd, but still who can throw an object large enough to hurt an elephant? Shot-putters don’t frequent zoos. We don’t need to worry about them. I’ve ridden an elephant before and it wasn’t very memorable. It just hurt my testicles. They’re still pretty cool and majestic. It’s fun to play the game “is it a trunk or a cock” when seeing pictures of them.
Birds – A popular thing at zoos now are those cages where you can hold out apple slices or weird juices and let birds fly onto you then have them eat the foods. This is cool and saves them. Other than that, birds suck. They’re an animal that can sit on my gutter and I wouldn’t think anything fancy about it. I also want to mention that every worker in those bird feeding cages is always a bitch. I understand that cleaning up watery apple bird shit all day can’t be fun, but don’t ruin this thrice in a lifetime experience for me. Birds are only as cool as they are colorful. They’re the prom dresses of zoo animals.
Bears – Easily the best animal at the zoo. I love bears. I always side with them on any issue. If I was outside and someone ran up to me saying that a bear had just attacked them, I would ask what they did to provoke it. Bears are big cuddly monsters that can climb trees even though they’re so fat. They are the one animal I wish we could domesticate more than any other. They’re so tall that I could get higher shelves and tell them to get the items for me. Then we can go into my bed and cuddle. Although a fat animal, bears rarely will lounge around sleeping all day at a zoo. They’re born entertainers like the Osmonds except they don’t fuck their children.
Bats – The problem with bats is that they are always in the rodent exhibits. They’re usually right next to their prey which annoys me on an ethical level. The displays that bats are in are always so dark. Us zoo visitors are left wondering if hanging in the back of the display it is a bat or faulty wiring. I stabbed a bat to death once when it got into my house. It’s the only animal I have ever killed and I would do it again. They carry rabies and I’m too shy to be going around showing a doctor my stomach to get an injection.
Lions – They might be one of the coolest animals ever until you through it into a city zoo. I think once in my life have I ever see a lion that looked alive in person. All they do is sleep in the sun. No wonder they’re so fat. Then they’ll roar and everyone rushes over to them. The only thing you end up seeing is a stupid lion not playing with one of those giant red balls in their cage. Lions don’t have to do much to be entertaining. Just do something! Anything but sleeping on your giant wooden picnic benches.
Giraffes – I would always put giraffes on my list of must-see animals at a zoo. Like for instance, if I owned a zoo and there was a fire and I could only save a certain amount of animals, giraffes would be one of them. Their long necks are awesome. You can also usually get pretty close to them because they’re not assholes like some other animals. There’s nothing else I can compare them to other than the long neck dinosaurs. I’ve seen them run before too and that’s always funny. It’s like a kid that had a growth spurt trying to make his way through life.
Horses – Any animal that you can see just driving around in a farm area can’t be that cool at a zoo. Sometimes horses are cool at zoos. Not usually. Not all zoos have them, usually smaller ones. The bigger zoos will say “pass” when an animal salesman tries to sell them a horse (I’m assuming that’s how zoos get their animals, it’s like how doctors get their medicines). It’s still exciting to see a horse if I’m driving around, but at a zoo I’d rather see the camel, the humped horse. I’ve ridden on the backs of both of those species and only then does the horse get an advantage. Camel humps are too awkward to sit on and I feel like I’m sitting on a giant pimple that can pop if I move the wrong way.
Monkeys – By far the most overrated zoo animal. They have their moments, I’ll give them that. It’s hard to go to a zoo and not see at least one awesome monkey moment. But with all of the monkeys usually present, you should see more. It’s the percentages that both me. Monkeys need to be more consistent. They need to always play with their toys and cuddle with their mamas. I’ve seen way too many lazy monkeys who refuse to swing on their ropes and do other monkey things. You’re a monkey. You’re as close to humans as it can get and you still are dreadfully boring at times. You probably also have the best chance at reading this. Please, try harder. I know you have the potential.
Alligators – When I say alligators I also mean crocodiles. I don’t care about salt water or fresh water, it’s the same thing. Both of those liquids make you drown. The only difference is that salt water clears out my sinuses. Alligators are a very lame zoo animal. They’re that animal that you just stare at wondering if they’ll move. They sit their with their stupid big snouts showing off their massive teeth. Steve Irwin got back hunting crocodiles. From what I’ve seen at zoos, hunting butterflies would be more dangerous. I still like alligators as I have a soft spot for reptiles. I don’t know where it comes from. Perhaps as a child a turtle helped my family out with a financial problem.
Zebras – Another one of the big Africa animals who usually disappoint. Zebras are essentially horses with stripes. They’re awesome to look at. They also have nice butts. I’ve never had sex with an animal (remember, there’s one sleeping next to me as I type this, I easily could rape him if I wanted to) but I stand by my statement that zebras tend to have nice butts. It’s probably the stripes that do it. Makes them look stronger or something like that. I can’t think of a moment where I’ve ever seen a zebra do anything cool whether at a zoo or on a nature video. They always seem to be the ones that get haunted down by a mean animal. I still like them though. Not just because of their hot asses either.
Goats – The meanest animal out there other than ducks. Don’t believe me? You’ve never been in a petting zoo. These fuckers will take out their best friend for a graham cracker. They are vile creatures. Ever wonder why people with goatees are such douches? Look no further than their namesakes. They smell awful too. Animals need to evolve into some form of self-grooming but goats have been too busy throughout history being assholes. I’ll still feed them when I have the chance. That will never change. I’m also very willing to kick them in the face when nobody is looking. Even when people are looking I’ll do it. Everybody has had a bad goat experience.
Emus – These freak me out. I used to live on the same street as a Spanish kid who looked like an emu too. I already hated them before he moved to town. Emus have to be the bird species that completed proved that they are somehow related to dinosaurs. They are so much like the raptors in Jurassic Park that it’s scary. Their big creepy eyes, long necks asking to be strangled, round fluffy bodies. I feel sick whenever I see emus. Ostriches are a lot more friendly looking and nicer. I also enjoy the idea that they stick their heads in the sand with their asses up. Reminds me of an old girlfriend I had.
Kangaroos – They’re really the monkeys from Australia. We’ve all heard the amazing stories of kangaroos boxing and hopping around, but really they usually just lie around. Lie around very sexy too. The whole pouch thing makes me feel uncomfortable. It’s a flap of skin filled with mucus where they keep their children. Does that not sound sick to anyone else? It’s like a second pussy for kangaroo chicks. Still, they go on my list of must-sees. Just for the outside chance that you get to see one punch out a zookeeper makes them worth the trip.
Rhinoceroses – I always liked the character Rock-Steady from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. He was a rhinoceros that worked for the bad guy shredder. He always seemed to get the brunt of the punishment over his partner, a hippo named Beebop. Rhinos could throw shit at me every time I saw them and I would still like them only due to their mainstream appeal. They’re giant rocks with horns for noses. It’s so obvious what their weapon is and I love it. At zoos they don’t do much, but I really don’t think I’d want to see them do anything. All they can do is impale a human being and I don’t want to see that. At least not at a zoo.
Hippos – As mentioned immediately before, I associate hippos with rhinos. They’re not that much different. I went to the aquarium recently and there were two hippos. They were by far the best part. They were playful and fat. One chewed on a tire and seemed to be waving at a Jewish boy. I really didn’t like hippos much at all until this experience. I know they’re a very mean animal. I’d be mean too if I had neck fat like them. They’re very slow too and for some reason I thought they would be faster despite their massive size. This is one case where I should have judged a book by its cover.
Penguins – They’re always hit and miss. It depends on the day. Sometimes penguins are awesome. They run back and forth and slide around. Other times they just look at you with annoyed faces. The same way men dressed in tuxedos look at me. They’re very cuddly creatures and I would enjoy throwing a fish to one. One of Batman’s best villains is part penguin too. Don’t forget about that fact. Like penguins, The Penguin isn’t the best, but he’s still can be pretty damn good at times.
Moose – The greatest animal to ever live and then be shot for no reason at all. I love moose. They’re like geese in a way. To pluralize them, you don’t have to change a thing. They’re better than geese though. Moose are so elegant and strong. They prance without even having to move fast. I love their horns too. They’re so big and clumsy. Moose are always getting their heads stuck in weird places. That’s why you never see a moose with its head up the ass of another. They know that it’ll just get stuck. If I could ride any animal every day to work it would be a moose. Then when I got there, I’d hop off, and lick it.