I live in New Jersey. I have my whole life. I’ve been to many different beaches in New Jersey. I’ve gone at different times in my life. If this preface declares anything, it’s that my opinion is more valuable than that of anyone else you may come across on this topic. Let me tell you the obvious, why Jersey Shore sucks.
I remember when this show was first hyped. Italians were mad about it portraying them poorly. MTV was smart and didn’t back down. The owner of MTV ended up being found in a pit of cement a week later. An odd coincidence if there ever was one.
The way the show was advertised was that it would be controversial. It would go to the deepest parts of my mind and fuck it. I’d hug my family and go to the highest hills to survive the impending doom of the Apocalypse that was sure to come from the awesomeness of what I was about to witness. I was told that this would be the greatest television show I was ever going to witness. Based on Nielsen Ratings, it is the greatest TV show. But I don’t follow Nielsen Ratings. The only Nielsen I follow is Leslie and he’s busy being a bumbling detective in the after life.
I watched the show because I wanted something to talk to the cute girl at the water cooler about. She told me I smelled and that I shouldn’t be in the office unless I was an employee. Oh well. Her loss, right?
What I found from the show was that it was entertaining. I actually didn’t mind the first season. This might sound nerdy, but my favorite part was the editing. The show is an hour long and was divided well into two acts. I appreciated that. Then it would usually end on a cliffhanger or at least closing out with a nice conclusion setting up for next weeks adventure. Kudos to whoever maintained this perfect television structure. I noticed and you made a few of my Saturday nights drinking alone tolerable.
I’ve praised the show, surprisingly. Like with girls that I praise, I then have to shit all over them soon after. I mean that in its most literal sense too. The first thing I have an issue with is that it’s still on. The show stopped being interesting after one season. Imagine if Survivor was the same people every year. I know that they bring back people and that’s the dumbest idea ever. I haven’t liked Boston Rob since he was an underdog 7 years ago. Now he’s the favorite. I hate him and his stupid mustache. Not everyone from Boston needs to wear a Red Sox cap. I’m sure if you weren’t all racists maybe you’d appreciate the Celtics who actually are consistent. Your wife also has the last name Brkich which annoys me. That’s not a real word stupid. Buy a vowel. The point of this paragraph, I don’t need to see the same average people over and over again doing the same thing over and over again.
I saw two episodes of the second season and I wasn’t very interested. I think that’s when they were in Miami, the one city I have no interest in ever going to. It’s all beautiful people and fat guys in Hawaiian shirts. I’m not beautiful and I don’t own a Hawaiian shirt. I’ll stick out like a sore thumb and that’s not only because I think I sometimes physically resemble one. Miami isn’t even an interesting place to go. There are no famous sights. It’s all night clubs with Caribbean music. I don’t even like Bob Marley so there’s no way I’ll like some open miker at a club singing about plantains.
I’m getting way off Jersey Shore and I apologize if you thought I’d stick with only that. There are more surrounding things about it that anger me. I know they went back to Seaside for another season. Maybe two. I don’t know, I haven’t been following along. I usually check out of a show after the first season unless I really like it. So excuse me if you’re sitting there yelling about how I’m not getting my facts straight. Come to think of it, if you’re a big enough fan of the show I could probably tell you that Pat Sajak was the host and it’s all about his summer vacation. You’re dumb, that’s why.
Onto the actual people on the show. I won’t really shit on them. It’s too easy and hack. Instead I’ll just tell you how I would describe each of them if I worked with them and didn’t know their name. Say for instance if I was pals with them, went into the bathroom, they ran off to do something dumb, and I came out and had to ask a cop if they had seen my dumb friend. This is how I would describe them:
Ronnie: The big guy. He’s mean and wears a lot of them UFC shirts. His hair is in a fohawk thingy. He responds to the name Ron. Or just yell douche bag and he’ll turn around and hit you. Did you know he’s also half Cuban? Hmmm.
J-Woww (I think she has 2 w‘s): She’s got big tits. Like gigantic. Sometimes she doesn’t look bad, then you look closely and you see that you were wrong. If you went up to her in a bar after making eye contact you’d be upset when you got closer. Anyone with tits that big can’t know what a book is.
Vinny: The normal one. He tries too hard and never gets any good storylines. He’s probably a big pussy. I don’t know, I heard he’s a mama’s boy somewhere. When he goes missing nobody ever finds him. He’s not a weird enough color like the rest of his friends.
Sammi: She always seemed like the friendliest. She’s also probably the dumbest. Lets men treat her like shit. Probably had some horrible rumor spread about her in high school. The rumor was probably true.
Pauly D: I’d say he’s the most Italian of all of them. He’s from Rhode Island too? Never realized everyone there wasn’t Irish-American. I don’t like that he’s a DJ. DJ’s have been replaced by the iPod. He has really big hair. His eyes don’t match his skin. Reminds me of an emu with steroids.
Deanna: I think that’s her name. She’s got a big nose. I really don’t know anything about her except for the nose. I’d like to kick it back into place.
The Situation: Jerk-off. The last human being I would ever want to associate with. At least Osama Bin Laden wasn’t flagrant in his confessionals. He kept his cool. Really way too cocky. Has a goofy pug nose. The fact that he doesn’t use the Godsmack song “Situation” at all times makes me hate him. I bet he doesn’t know that song exists. Jerk-off.
Snooki: The most beautiful woman ever who was born a gremlin. I kind of feel bad for her at times. Can be mistaken for a trash can. Don’t let her stand on the curb Wednesday and Saturday mornings. She might get tossed into a landfill. Not every picture of you needs to be taken with one hand on your hip. You botched your finisher at Wrestlemania. They should have given you the Blue Blazer’s entrance with the same fate. (you’re welcome one person who gets that)
There’s also that other girl who left and came back then left again. I don’t know her name. I wanted to guess it’s Jessica or Veronica but I know it isn’t. That doesn’t matter. She looked like any other girl that I’d be too intimidated to talk to and then realize that I wasn’t even attracted to in the first place. Really dark hair on a girl grosses me out sometimes. It’s probably the same hair that the Grim Reaper had back in the 1980s before he went bald.
I’ve been to Seaside a few times. One time a male friend of mine showed me his penis. He didn’t pull it out, just opened his legs and let it poke through his boxer shorts. He also told me that the room we were hiding in was haunted because the fan would turn off and on all night long. I suggested faulty wiring, but he insisted a witch lived in the walls. That what I associate Seaside with. Child penises and wall living witches. It’s only natural that I’m not a fan of Jersey Shore.
I don’t know how the boardwalk used to be before all of the “guidos”, “guidettes”, and “transguids” (transsexuals of that community) invaded it. I never really used to notice those people. They always scared me and I assumed they had escaped from a zoo due to their massive biceps and poor communication skills. Only the tattoos of Jesus gave it away to me that they were humans and not animals. Animals can’t remember things that happened 2,000 years ago. They also don’t have war, divorce, domestic violence, a stock market, criminals, and a couple more things that we have. Sounds nice. I guess humans are still better though because animals can only ever eat us raw. We can cook them.
There’s nothing wrong with being a dumb Italian kid or even watching dumb Italian kids do dumb Italian kid things. If you enjoy the show continue to watch it. There are things that you should probably do doing instead, but there are things I should probably be doing instead of complaining about a show that I haven’t seen in 2 years. Maybe when it goes away the Jersey beaches will go back to the way they used to be. I remember when you didn’t have to be afraid of getting stabbed. Couples didn’t always argue about the guy checking out another girl. A beach is only as disgusting as the people who walk on it are. The Jersey Shore, pretty gross.