I remember in 2nd grade having a crush on a girl. She never really blossomed much, but in 2nd grade I thought she was attractive. The strange thing about it, I thought she looked like a raptor. In my mind I also remember her wearing a Toronto Raptors jackets, so maybe if that’s true then it was my mind playing tricks on me. But why would she own a Toronto Raptors jacket? She wasn’t a jock or Canadian. She was just a girl who dated the lone redhead in the class. Yeah, she was mental.
I’m not alone in thinking that some people resemble animals. Everybody knows someone who resembles a bird. They’re a very common animal/human hybrid. It’s the nose, I think. The way it can crane over on some people looks very similar to a seagull or any other scavenger bird. The weird thing though, I never see a bird and think that it resembles a person. There’s never been a pigeon eating some bread and I’ve thought “Hey, that kind of looks like Craig.” But then I’ll see Craig and think how much he looks like a pigeon. It’s weird like that.
There were a few more people who I can think of that resemble animals. I want to call them out on it too. In 7th grade history, there was a snotty girl who sat in the front row. She was a real bitch. She had a duck face. I remember my friend even calling her the duck girl behind her back. Then he got the balls to say it to her face. She made a very duck-like face and I think she dropped out of school 3 years later. I don’t know if the two are connected, but I like to think that they are. And now she lives on a magical pond and eats crackers all day. Ducks are so common in my head of relating them to people. I went on a date with a girl once who reminded me of a duck. To look like a duck, it’s all in the lips. They have to be an equal thickness, like a duck-bill. I think the space between the pink of the lip and the nose needs to be a little too long. Then the lips need to perk out a bit. Have I described your face? If so, you look like a duck.
I don’t want to go into horse-faces because I see horses in way too many people. Even attractive girls I see a little bit of pony in. It wouldn’t be fair for me to insult the horse-faced girls of the world when I think I might be attracted to a few. I’m cruel, but I’m not illogical.
I do know someone who reminds me of Joe Camel. Camels are sort of like horses for Middle Eastern people. I don’t want to call camels a “poor man’s horse” because everyone I know that owns a camel is pretty wealthy. But I guess looking like Joe Camel isn’t really looking so much like an animal. He’s part man anyway. Maybe that’s a double insult at the girl I know that looks like everybody’s favorite smoking creature. Not only does she look like an ugly animal, she looks like a male one.
People sometimes behave like animals with certain attributes they might have. Gorilla walks are quite common. It’s the chest out, arms swinging, fists clenched strut that gorillas tend to have. I never notice this much except when a woman does it. I knew a girl who didn’t look like a gorilla in the face (she was the size of one) and she would walk like this. It would make me laugh everyday to see her do her gorilla walk. She was annoying and had braces entirely too long. A gorilla with braces, now that’s something I’d like to see.
They say that sometimes people look like their pets. Who are they? The unnamed masses controlled by the Illuminati to think what they want us to think, that’s who. Sometimes it’s true that people look like their pets. I mean, if you’re fat, chances are so will your pet. Or it’ll be the complete opposite because you spend all your money on food for yourself instead of the dog. My point, odds are that some people will look like their dogs, others won’t.
The only animal I ever remember being called was a turtle. I think it happened twice. When my hair is really short and my shirt is really baggy, I guess I can see it. My face can be very plain when I don’t have an expression on it. Turtles never smile because of all of the antidepressants in the water that they live in. It’s true. Look it up. With my bald head and plain face, my big shirt can easily be seen as a shell. So, I don’t blame people for saying that I have looked like a turtle. Granted, that was like 8 years ago and my face actually has angles to it now, but still all is forgiven. I have to forgive. The kid who told me in 10th grade that I looked like a turtle married a fat girl. I might look like a turtle, but she looks like an entire zoo.