Bar Fights

Posted: October 20, 2011 in Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

First thing, first. Thanks to everyone who checks my blog. I have already beaten last month’s totals with 11 days to spare. That is, unless you all decide to stop checking it out and one of you reverses time and decides to do something else instead of reading what I have to say. I don’t think any of my reader’s have any special skill set other than the best them they can be. But really, I appreciate you stopping by and taking time out of your probably boring lives. My life is boring too, that’s why I read your blogs. I have authority to make fun of you.

As a tribute to my readers, frequent commenters, the occasional people who stop in to like a post then disappear until they like another post a month later, I will be randomly linking one of your posts into each of my upcoming posts until I get too lazy to do anything else. This is me giving back and to make up for kicking that cancer kid. Just because you’re hairless doesn’t mean I buy your story buddy! When I do post your links, I hope you get many views, new subscribers, and plenty of hot chicks or dudes, depending on your preference, knocking down your door to grab you in sexual ways. I’ll be as subtle as possible with them too. When you see it, imagine me screaming awkwardly at the top of my lungs.

Onto Business:

I have never been in a bar fight. I’ve never really been in a real fight either. Only shoving matches at the most. One time the other kid fell backwards into a bush. That was the Knockout Punch in the fight. Falling into a bush full of berries. I don’t think they were even poison berries. So that’s the story of my biggest fight. A kid falling into a bush full of berries. I need to challenge better people.

The kid in question was named Josh. Josh isn’t that bad of a name. It’s a little bit of a jock name, but I’ve known fat people named Josh too. If I lost my fight to Josh I wouldn’t have been too embarrassed. It’s a fine enough name to get your ass handed to by. With that thought in mind, there are some names that if I ever lost a bar fight to, I would have to cut off my own testicles.

Larry – I would be very embarrassed if someone named Larry ever beat me up. At least Lawrence sounds like a British militant, to me at least. Chipper Jones changed his name from Larry Wayne to Chipper because of how lousy of a name it is. Chipper sounds like the name of a small child with glasses and a unibrow and still that’s better than being called Larry. Most people named Larry also have kazoo voices. The only time kazoo voices are useless are when calling in bomb threats.

Gary – It reminds with Larry and is equally as bad. I’m sure there are some tough guys named Gary out there, but they’re truck drivers. I’ve known one child named Gary and he was one of those ass clowns that everyone hated. He was on my baseball team and everybody hated him. The coaches, the players, the parents, everyone. He was chubby with blonde hair and we rooted for him to fail. His dad also failed me for inspection at the DMV. His father’s name, also Gary. The only way a Gary could ever win a fight is with a sucker punch. Because that’s what they are, people who suck.

Kevin – I don’t know what it is about this name, but nobody really cool ever has it. I’ve known people I liked named Kevin, but it’s certainly not a tough one. The only abbreviation for it is “Kev” and that isn’t even a good nickname. The most famous Kevin is Kevin Bacon. Isn’t that the complete opposite side of names? You go from a wimpy name of Kevin to a manly food like Bacon. That’s still not saying Kevin Bacon is tough or anything. He loves the Arts in Philadelphia and has a scrunched up face. My theory on the scrunched up face, he lost a lot of fights.

Blaise – You may not know that this is a name, but it is. It’s kind of common now too. It’s pronounced like blaze as in anyone with that name is a such a homosexual, that they are no flaming, they are blazing. It’s an awful name and nobody tough ever has it. Johnny Cash had the song “A Boy Named Sue” where the parents name their son Sue to toughen him up. Naming your son Blaise only makes him a coward. Sure, it sounds cool on the surface, being named after something fire does. But if you ever meet someone with this name check out their hair. I guarantee they have a fohawk and a vest, the sure sign of a someone who needs to be punched.

Hunter – I would put this name up there with Blaise. Hunters can be cool, the people who actually hunt and not the people with the name. I remember the first time I found out that Hunter was a name and thinking that the parents were mental. Why not name your kid Poacher? Or Deer Killer? I’ve never met a Hunter in real life that I can remember. And that’s good because once I do meet a Hunter, he won’t be living much longer. Lets see how tough you are without your gun or bright orange vest.

Brent – You could throw Brett in there too with this one. I associate these names with being the outside jock. That little guy that hangs around with all of the football players. He usually has a goofy nose or big ears. They’re always the weakest of the bunch in their group of friends. It’s the poor man’s Brad. Not that Brad is a great name or anything, but if someone with that name knocked out my teeth I wouldn’t be too upset. When a Brent throws a punch it usually lands into their own crotch. It’s a real MIND WARP!!! why anyone would name their kid this.

Unisex Names – There isn’t much to say about this. If your name is Kelly, Stacy, Jesse, or any other traditional girls name, I don’t want to get beaten up by you. It’s embarrassing. I don’t get why parents do give their sons names like this. I mentioned before about Johnny Cash and his song, but you shouldn’t take songs as a basis for what you name your kids. Your kid won’t always live up to their name. If they did then every girl named Roxanne would be a whore and every sweet girl named Caroline would be the most annoying girl at karaoke night.

Comments
  1. joem18b says:

    I didn’t catch the name of the guy who beat me up down at The Wipeout the other night, but he seemed to think that I was called “butt face.”

  2. malf922 says:

    My wife likes unisex names for girls. If we have a daughter she wants it to be a name like Joey or something, which I despise. My idea for names is that you name the baby when it’s born, but that’s only a working title until said child reaches maturity. After that, you give that person their adult name that they carry until death. For instance, my name is Tony, but at maturity my name becomes “Bullshitter.”

  3. I wouldn’t want to lose to a Tobias. The only people I know with that name are Tobias Funke and Tobias Beecher from the show Oz. He sort of liked bumming men after a while.

  4. renxkyoko says:

    I clicked LIKE and I don’t care what you’d think of that, lol

    So, what do you think of Walter, or Buster ?

    Cheers !

    • mooselicker says:

      Walter is fine because of Walter White on Breaking Bad. Buster is fine because of Buster Baxter on Arthur. Although I do think his blue golf shirt made him look like a wimp.

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