Out of all of the violent groups of people, pirates are the only ones I can think of without a faith-based mission. Terrorists have a faith. Vikings have a faith. Conquistadors have a faith. Even Nazis had something that they believed in with their dastardly mission. Not pirates. They’re not even out there to FIGHT UNITY!!! They have no real direction. They’re just greedy.

I think everyone goes through a pirate phase in their life. Mine was when I got something stuck in my eye and had to wear an eye patch. I figured, why not go all out? Knowing my hand would grow back, I cut it off and for the next month carried around a hook. I was the life of the party. Then Johnny Depp made pirates gay and I started getting shoved back into lockers again.

The main goal of a pirate is to capture as much money as possible. They then use that money to buy liquor, sex, and swords so that they can get more money for liquor, sex, and more swords to get more money for–wow, pirates are in an endless cycle. I wonder if at any point a pirate thought to himself “Why shouldn’t I just become a bartender? I can get free liquor, there’s bound to be some woman there to have sex with me, and a sword is completely unnecessary so now I only have two things to worry about. Liquor and sex.” Maybe scurvy makes reasonable thoughts impossible. I’m not sure. I get lots of Vitamin C. Don’t get me a pack of Vitamin C drops. I’ll frantically eat through the whole thing in a day. That can’t possibly be healthy.

Anyone with a mission in life gets my respect. Some of our missions are to find that mission. Not pirates. They’re just a bunch of angry British guys who take over rum transporting ships for their own alcoholic needs. It’s silly really. All of that trouble for liquor. They all clearly had a problem handling their liquor. Becoming a pirate is the ultimate cry for help. It’s hitting rock bottom. That Thanksgiving when you’re sitting around with your family and you come out that you’re becoming a pirate must be heart breaking. It’s telling your beloved family that you have given up on direction. You’re going to spend the rest of your days digging for gold and wearing bandanas. Gold and bandanas. Sounds like the Latin Kings.

Modern day pirates are a bit different from the swashbucklers of yesteryear. There are the goofy Somali pirates who kidnap millionaires. It never bothers me when a Somalia pirate kidnaps a yacht. Couldn’t you have bought a large house with all your money? When bad things happen to rich people, it’s hard to feel bad. Especially when they’re stupid enough to get kidnapped by pirates in this century.

(The above is from a picture of a short lived reality show. It was so bad, one of the contestants killed themselves while it aired. True story)

The other pirates of today do have a mission. The ones that pirate music, movies, women’s purses, gay men’s purses (if you’re a man and you have a purse, you’re gay), watches, and any other item. Their mission is a profit. Pirates, like the mafia, have become businessmen. They may not have offices, but that’s what they are. A bunch of guys trying to get some gold. This time it’s not buried under ground or found on a map, it’s in our pockets. I don’t think it’s wrong for pirates to exist. I know it “hurts the little guy” in the end, but putting out so many shit products is what creates piracy. I’m not going to pay $50 for Season 2 of Modern Family no matter how much I enjoyed the first season. There are enough pirates out there that can get it to me for cheaper or even free. Now if the producers were to contact me, ask to read my spec script I wrote of the show, I’ll fucking buy everyone I know a copy of the second season. You have to do more than entertain me for 24 episodes to get me to pay that much. At least do episode commentaries.

I wish pirates were more like the way they used to be. Flying their Jolly Roger flags up above their boats, it’s classic. New wave pirates (pirates who enjoy Devo and INXS) do not have a symbol. The only mention they ever get is that bright red FBI warning before a film. It’s not intimidating because why would you mess with a pirate? They’ve got hooks and wise cracking parrots. What are you going to do, take their leg? It’s already made of wood. Tie a TV dinner tray to their hip and it’s no different.

(Speaking of suicide, the singer from this band died jerking off with a noose around his neck. How’s that for a new sensation?)

I believe this is why people like pirates so much. It’s not the sexy British accents, the rough attitude, or the gross teeth. They have no real direction in life and that’s how we all feel. It takes us forever to find out calling and once we do, it seems as if it was so simple. Like it was an X on a map. Then we count our paces and head to that buried treasure only to discover that we’re on the wrong island. Fuck. And we were so close to finding happiness.

  1. Va Va Doom says:

    Have you heard of Colton Harris Moore? This kid, just this past year or so, was arrested because he was stealing rich peoples airplanes and living in peoples homes while they were on vacation, eating their ice cream and sleeping in their beds. He was basically a modern day pirate and hero to many.

  2. robpixaday says:

    Argggggggh, matey.

    LOL…sorry; couldn’t resist.
    Yes, pirates are their own special group. I think we “like” (?) them because they’re the people we daren’t be. Want something? Just take it. But take it with style. Leap on deck, hack someone to death…greed with panache.

    GREAT post!!!!!!

    • mindwarpfx says:

      Colton Harris Moore was just a hair ass rather then a modern day pirate. But he was on the wrong map or at least had to many X’s on the map he was using. I like the post. But then I’m still looking for myself. Note to self check the map for the bigger X not just the small ones.
      All the best!

      • mooselicker says:

        It’s all about the journey, not the destination….or some garbage like that. I wish pirates did have a clear cut mission. Maybe then Johnny Depp would get back to making real movies and that mediocre series can finally end.

    • mooselicker says:


      Pirates are very marketable too. Women like the heroics, men like the fighting, and children like laughing at a disabled man with one eye and a parrot that speaks for him. It’s Win-Win-Win!

  3. Female pirates tend to be jolly sexy. I likes them pirates and would be more than happy to ply them with grog and rum all night.

  4. Pirates find treasures (at least they are expected to). Finding treasures seems like a nice hobby to me!

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