Golden Rules

Posted: November 2, 2011 in Uncategorized
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“Do Unto Others As You Would Have Them Do Unto You”

That’s the Golden Rule. I remember first hearing it in elementary school. Back then they worded it differently because the Indian kid’s mom complained. I guess in modern times, when your God looks like Goro from Mortal Kombat, you have a lot to be upset about. He was always a tough opponent. That’s way they waited until the END OF THE GAME!!! to make you fight him.

(If you believe in a God with multiple arms I am sorry to offend you. Hey, my Christian God can only eat 2 cookies at a time. Yours can eat 4. You made the better wrong choice.)

“Treat People The Way You Want To Be Treated”

It’s more clear for children that way anyway. The word “unto” would have frustrated me as a kid. U’s were my most difficult letter to remember. I could remember W, but not a single U. U’s should be called “Double V’s.” I don’t know anybody that isn’t a serial killer that makes W’s without sharp bottoms on them. I don’t know who came up with the name. Probably some Greek queer. I’m surprised that same ass doesn’t call M’s “Upside Down Double U’s” and call Z’s “Sideway N’s.” No wonder their empire fell apart. Good riddens. What have you done for me lately?

(Julius right before being stabbed by his loyal friend Cassius Papa John)

I try to live my life with the Golden Rule intact. I do treat people the way I want to be treated, almost. The problem is, there are some people that I would like to come up behind me and grab my genitals. There are a lot of people like this. I’d say in the world, I could find one million human beings who I would like to take off their clothes and rub their asses against my leg. One million might be aiming low too. But that’s not the point. The point is, the golden rule is not legitimate.

What the golden rule should say is “Do Unto Others As You Would Have Them Do Unto You, Except Don’t Touch Anyone In The Process.” I would love to touch a lot of people and would love if they touched me back. But even with the golden rule in place, that is not going to happen. Who do I blame? Society! Jesus came down to this earth from his spaceship and gave us his wisdom. He said clearly for us to do to people what we would like them to do to us. There were no loopholes for him. He was clear in what he said, like the rest of the Bible is. And now, society tells me that I can’t go around doing unto hot chicks as I would like them to do unto me. I am not very happy.

How does a boy like me continue to live his life with the golden rule and still be accepted by society? I can’t. I have to instead treat people with respect and hope that they do the same to me. That’s all there is for me to do. I’m playing it all by ear. Shooting from the hip. Seeing that the grass is greener on the other side. And more unfitting clichés.

When I become in charge of the world, the golden rule will be very simple.

“Leave Me Alone And I Shall Leave Thy Alone Too”

Things always sound more reliable with words like shall and thy.

  1. Paul says:

    I like to show children my love and it always turns into a big misunderstandin. Everyone wants a little love. Golden Rule and golden showers. 🙂

  2. Va Va Doom says:

    Do unto others doesn’t apply to hobo’s. As a kid, there was a local hobo who my family would give plates of dinner on occasion as he would sometimes roam our neighborhood looking for pop bottles. At one point my dads tools got stolen from his shed and a week later the same hobo tried to sell my dad a hammer…that had my dad’s name written on it. Gone are the days of sad hobo clowns….

    • mooselicker says:

      I believe sad hobo clowns are called tramps. That’s at least the name they’re pushing for in congress.

      You can’t blame the guy. He probably didn’t know how to read. He also probably thought the hammer was device to pop pimples.

  3. renxkyoko says:

    Do not do unto others what you do not want others to do unto you …….. this is the only rule, so far, that makes a lot of sense to me, and I do try to live my life by this rule. And I say “try”. When a doctor pokes you, you don’t poke back, LOL

    Cheers !

  4. robpixaday says:

    Hahahaaa!!! I like yours better.

    Here’s the version I grew up with: “Do unto others before they do unto you. And then run like hell.”
    It’s pretty good too.

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