Red Cups

Posted: November 5, 2011 in Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , , , , ,

If Jesus had been born in the 1980s, the Holy Grail would be a red cup. Indiana Jones would team up with his father in order to find this red cup. They’d be able to find it much easier too. I don’t think plastic can decompose very well in landfills. The movie would have been 12 minutes. Thank Jesus’s dad that he wasn’t born during the height of Madonna.

Sometimes I’ll buy red cups. They’re big, clumsy, and not very attractive. Most of the people who I see using red cups are big, clumsy, and not very attractive. When they wear red shirts, it looks like a giant red cup holding another smaller red cup. Sort of like a mother holding an infant. It’s cute. And that’s why even though girls holding red cups are annoying, I can still tolerate them due to the fact they remind me of a mama kangaroo with its Joey.

When I use red cups, they’re mostly for milk. I drink a lot of milk. I’ll never get prostate cancer. That’s not that great of a strategy. I’m going to have to get a finger up my butt at some point. Mine as well have prostate cancer if that’s going to happen. I should probably stop drinking so much milk. Drinking milk to help prevent prostate cancer and still getting a finger up your butt is kind of gay. The other people I see with red cups use them for alcohol. I’m not sure why a red cup is necessary for an alcoholic beverage. It’s all too cloak and dagger for me. I like to know what the person standing next to me wearing sunglasses inside is drinking. At least, I want to know the color. I could always hover over the glass, but what if they’re taller than me? Or if they hold their arm up really high like girls do to signify “I’m having fun.” Men never raise their arms when they have fun. Unless they’re going in for a high-five. Then it’s worth it!

I remember once being at a party. It doesn’t matter how long ago or how much of a sausage fest it was. You don’t need to know those facts. What you do need to know, is that one of the whore-make-up-wearing girls there complained that instead of red cups, we had blue cups. This rubbed her the wrong way. Blue must not show up well in pictures that are placed online that will get her fired.

  1. Do people actually buy those cups then? I always see them on Hollywood films at parties, I assumed it was just a way of saying “look, these teenagers are drinking beer but the beer sponsors didn’t pay us for product placement”.

    Whenever I go to a party or a BBQ I just drink out of the can or bottle.

    • mooselicker says:

      Oh yeah! People really do buy them. I don’t know if it was before or after they were in movies, but I have never seen someone drink beer out of a can unless they were someone’s dad. We have become a parody of ourselves.

  2. princessvonvoodoo says:

    Red cups for sluts…kinda rolls off the tongue.

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