X-Rated Film Stars

Posted: November 7, 2011 in Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , , , , ,

I think we all know somebody that has done porn. They’re not always “porn stars” or anything. A porn star is an elite member of the porn community. I don’t know what the official hierarchy is, but I would think it goes something like this.




We know who the stars are. It’s those familiar names that we pledge our allegiance to and own coasters with images of their genitals on them. Ron Jeremy is the most famous porn star of all-time. I wonder if he’s ever kissed anyone. Nobody wants to kiss Ron Jeremy. His mustache tastes like his own cock. Good for him though. He’s famous for being fat, ugly, hairy, strange, having a bad haircut, and for having a big dick. Can you believe that? In a society without a true bartering system, where we have all come to accept that paper money is the acceptable currency, which is produced by the government, a man can still be a millionaire for having a large penis. That’s all he can do. If Ron Jeremy ever says “Just be yourself” I will put his dick in a headlock and break its neck. Easy for you to say Ron. Not all of us are blessed with gigantic devilish curses.

(Ron Jeremy getting pampered on the set of his famous film “Jeremy and the Hendersons”)

Next down on the list are the whores. They’re the mid-level people. Usually you would have heard of them through a friend. They’re a name, but still not a full-blown star. I guess you can’t have a rubber pussy made to your likeness to be considered a whore. By then you’d have to be a star. Unless sales are bad. How many people buy these rubber pussies anyway? There can’t be that many lonely people in the world. Like 7 billion of us now and you can’t find another human being to do those filthy things to in the corner of your kitchen? Join a book club! Whores are probably the best porn actresses. Did I just call people who do porn actresses? That’s an insult to Robert DeNiro, Robert Redford, and Robert Pattinson. Maybe just the first two. I like whores because they got something to prove still. They’ve learned the ropes, but they still got further to go. They’re hungry for more. OHHHH MOOOOORE!

(Not a whore, just a bad actor)

Finally we get to the rookies. We all know what a rookie is. It’s the lowest level of anything you can do. No matter what your profession, you will experience rookie hazing. It might be light, like having to stick pine cones up your butt. Or maybe it’ll be heavier, having to eat a pair of edible underwear off a fat man. Don’t be embarrassed, we’ve all done it. Rookies sometimes always stay rookies. They have a few notable roles, but then retire to do classier things like change tires for a living. I like rookies too. You can always find a rookie who reminds you of someone unobtainable in your every day life. They’re the girls next door. Maybe they’ve got a little more of an edge, like a tattoo or fake purple hair. But still, they’ve got something. You can see yourself having a conversation with this porno “actress” about how the landlord is a douche bag. That’s why amateur porn is so big. SOOOOOO BIIIIIIG. We don’t care about the porn stars anymore. We want flesh blood. We’re perverts like that.

(The last triple crown winner…in baseball. The porn triple crown is much different)

I don’t know if it’s the same with girls. Most guys in porn look the same. Guys really are either Ron Jeremy, John Holmes, that black guy with Steele in his name (like that I’m pretending not to know his name?), and maybe a few others. Girls don’t look at porn much. I don’t blame them. Look, another big dick. There are too many buff guys in porn too. That’s got to get repetitive. Porn needs more boys next door. Skinny guys with big guts and no muscles with average sized penises. They’re not very tall and don’t comb their hair. There’s a market for everything. Maybe I can create it. A psychic did once tell my sister that I would grow up to be an inventor. Psychics are always right. Now to just find some wayward teens in need of cash. Shouldn’t be too hard. TOOOOO HAAAAARD.

  1. Rickey Sally says:

    I watched a porn once in health class and had to go to the nurses office.

  2. I never thought of there being a hierarchy for porn stars like that. I wonder if there is much rivalry or adulation between the different levels – will the rookies have posters of their inspirational stars?

    • mooselicker says:

      At least a pennant or a signed 8×10 I would hope. Models always have pictures of Betty Page and other chubby dead women. Wouldn’t surprise me if there’s at least one future porn star out there with a giant penatration poster hanging above their bed.

  3. sami116 says:

    Somewhere among those ranks might also be a secret sect like The Illuminati. Maybe they exist to service a sect of the elites and hold a deep secret too. It is a whole world out there.

    • mooselicker says:

      Christ watch it man! The Illuminati won’t appreciate you calling them whores. They read EVERYTHING! Watch yourself and don’t drink your tap water without boiling it first. Trust me, I know a guy who knows a guy who has a cousin who knows another guy who pissed off the Illuminati and he went missing. I will delete this comment as soon as I know you have read it.

  4. E. He says:

    Does Daniel Radcliffe fall under “whores?”

  5. E. He says:

    Also, many male porn stars have long hair. Not that I ever watch porn…

    • mooselicker says:

      I think everybody with long hair is either in a band or a porn star. I haven’t cut my hair in over a year now and don’t know how to play the guitar. Guess which one I’m going for?

  6. Va Va Doom says:

    Male porn stars always look like professional wrestlers.

    • mooselicker says:

      Good point. Long hair, strong arms, sometimes a big gut. It’s probably more that professional wrestlers look like porn stars though. That way they can get women interested, but I have a feeling it attracts gays more than women if anything.

  7. Pete Howorth says:

    There was a wrestler whose gimmick was a porn star once, Val Venis, he is teh sex. If I was gay, he could have porned my star anytime he wanted. Luckily however, I’m not so he can’t.

    • mooselicker says:

      I remember him! I always get him confused with the guy that raped Michael Cole–maybe I’m completely mixing things up.

      At least I’m positive that the current WHC fathered a hand.

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