There’s a new song that I hear on the radio a lot. For those who don’t know, radio is television but no image. Blind people can enjoy it. They can enjoy television too. Deaf people can’t enjoy the radio at all though. Unless they get their kicks breaking electronic devices. Fuck. I used the magic word.
The song I’m referring to is Pumped Up Kicks by the band You’re Dumb if You Like This Song. I don’t like this song. Because of that, I now see how much I hate the word kicks. Everything about kicks. Because of that one lousy song with its robotic voices. I hate songs with robotic voices. Unless sung by an actual robot.
First off, the song refers to kicks, calling shoes by that name. I don’t know anybody who does that. I was on the subway recently and a college aged guy said to his friend “Are those new kicks?” The guy sat sideways, letting me know that he was tough. Tough guys always sit sideways. They walk sideways too. It’s what separates us tough guys from pussies like you. To ask his friend if they were new shoes was no more difficult than calling them kicks. In fact, shoes is just as many letters. It’s also easier on the tongue to say. More stress on the lips, but thanks to evolution, are lips are strong enough to handle “sh” words. I was in a city and this guy may have possibly been Jewish. They love their K’s and if this is the case, I cannot make fun. That’s racist to make fun of people who are different from you. Even if they are living up to a stereotype.
The verb of kick is the action of using your leg to punch someone. That’s what a kick basically is. A leg punch. Kicks are much less effective than punches. You’re off balance. Have you ever tried making a fist with your foot? According to the businessman in Die Hard, after getting off a plane you should make your toes into fists then walk around. So making your feet into fists is for people who are afraid of flying. Who is afraid of flying? Wimps! Not to mention, but I will, usually when you’re kicking someone, it means you’re already on the ground. Never go for a kick while you’re both standing. All your opponent needs to do is grab your leg, spin you around, then hit you in the back of the head with a flying dragon knee. Kicking is the last defense. It’s for losers. Real men get punches in. Have you ever heard of a famous kick boxer? Of course not. They’re guys who like poking other men in the shins with their toes. It’s a mean thing to do. Shins are terribly weak bones. That’s why even soccer players, the most masculine of athletes, have to wear guards on their shins.
That reminds me, soccer players kick a lot. Soccer is a KICKING SPORT!!! That’s all they do. Run and kick. Kick and run. Wear shorts and question your sexuality. At a certain age, you have to realize that soccer is a lousy sport. I know it’s big all over the rest of the world, but I can’t take a man in shorts seriously. Not as bad as cricket where they wear sweaters, but still pretty bad. Soccer players are another thing to hate about kicks. Especially that fact that there used to be an indoor soccer team called the KIXX in Philadelphia. What’s wrong, C’s and K’s too expensive? And then that reminds me of the cereal.
I haven’t eaten KIXX cereal in years. I’m not even sure if it still exists. It was always kind of plain. My sister liked it. She also liked cheeseburgers from McDonalds without the meat. Not the most reliable source for a food palette. I always thought the cereal was missing something. It wasn’t very sugary. The pieces were round and a soft fool’s gold color. Children’s cereal is never good unless marshmallows, chocolate, or another dangerously unnecessary item is placed inside. KIXX was also one of many cereals that when I would eat it, I would get acid reflux. Yes, as a boy Lucky Charms would make me throw up into my own throat. I don’t know what it was. Maybe the idea of eating horseshoes didn’t sit well with me.
Kicking must be cool sometimes. You can kickback and relax. But then nothing ever gets done. Damn. Kicks really do suck. I don’t even need a bad song to make me believe that. I’ve never had a good experience with a kick. It could have something to do with me having poor balance, but I don’t think I want kicks as a part of my life.
My advice to you. Do not call shoes kicks. That’s just stupid. It’s not hip. It suggests violence. You’re almost ordering the wearer of the shoes to kick someone. Do you know who that someone should be? It should be you. The person with the nerve to call shoes by their improper name, kicks. Maybe I should be kicked. I feel like I’ve used way too many commas in this post. 26 by my count. One for every letter in the alphabet. Two for every tooth in the mouth of people who overuse the word kick.