Ironies

Posted: November 14, 2011 in Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

This is a quick story about irony. It’s the story I tell whenever a child comes up to me and asks me what irony is. That happens more than you’d think. I remember in 11th grade a thin blonde girl asking me the definition. The emo kid in the group gave her an answer that didn’t seem to satisfy her flat-chested brain. It was my time to shine.

In elementary school, we had a guidance counselor. I’ll call her Doctor Z because her last name started with a Z and she had apparently been at school for so long that she was a doctor. The principal of the school was a doctor too. I think the whole school was full of doctors. Yet I still managed to break my leg during recess. Doctors love when people get hurt. I think they purposefully put grease on the monkey bars and paid off that kid to kick me off.

(Not Dr. Zaius)

Doctor Z was a very old woman. Fucking ancient would be the most accurate description. She was robust and needed a cane to get around. Still, that wouldn’t save her from the inevitable.

Doctor Z had one thing that she pounded into our heads. It was that we should always look both ways before crossing the street. She would come into our class and say “Left, Right, Left” to represent the direction your head should go when crossing the street. That’s why we all found it incredibly ironic that Doctor Z had to retire from her job after getting hit by a car.

(Not this guy either)

The whole story behind Doctor Z is unclear. She survived her brush with death and made one more appearance a few months later to say goodbye. She wasn’t well-liked by the students. She was a curmudgeon who would yell at the loud kids for being too noisy and the quiet kids for not speaking up. If we weren’t all 7 years old, I would swear that one of us ran her down out of spite while mumbling “Left, Right, Left” as she flew over the windshield.

If everything I heard about Doctor Z was true, she lived a tragic life. I heard that her adult daughter was the victim of a famous urban legend, the guy who hides under the car and slashes your ankles. It had apparently happened outside of a store called “Cost Cutters” whose symbol was a large pair of scissors, representing the fact that they cut costs. After the murder, they had to take down those scissors. Like I said, I don’t know how much of this was true and how much of it was the adults I knew lying. My babysitter told me that taxes were large spikes that came out of the kitchen floor and that was why I should hate George Bush Sr. No wonder Generation-Y’ers are so dumb. These Baby Boomers have been fucking with our heads since we could walk.

That’s my tale of irony. A woman who dedicated years of her life helping to protect children from getting hit by cars ends up getting hit by one herself. I told that story to the blonde girl who was in great need of a pair of tits. She looked at me, chapped her gum and didn’t get it. Oh well. Some people aren’t meant to appreciate God’s sick sense of humor.

(Dr. Zoidberg from Futurama, kind of looks like my guidance counselor)

Comments
  1. Zoidberg is cool. All hail Zoidberg.

    • mooselicker says:

      I never realized how many Dr. Z’s there were until Google tried to complete my search. Zoidberg always flew under the radar. He’s the butt of most of the jokes which is why we love him so dear.

  2. sami116 says:

    HAHAhahahaaHAHA….. I mean that’s sad, what happened.

    • mooselicker says:

      She yelled at a kid once for not sitting “Indian Style.” She was a racist old bag.

      • Lisa says:

        This is some good stuff. I think everyone had a Dr. Z of some sort working at their school. Our version unfortunately DID look like Dr. Zaius. Why the heck did we even need guidance counselors in elementary school? Other than to amuse us with their total lack of self awareness and their not so sage words….? Hmmm?

      • mooselicker says:

        I think it’s kind of like the building of the Hoover Dam. It was just a way to give unskilled laborers work and they didn’t care how many casaulties it caused.

        Glad I’m not the only one who had to suffer through a Dr. Z session.

  3. The concept of having a doctor at a school is a weird one to me – they just don’t exist in British schools! We had the receptionist who could give you a plaster if you fell over and cut your knee but that was about it.

    Lisa – I notice our name isn’t linked to your blog so you are missing out on visitors. Easily fixed:

    Dashboard > Users > Personal Settings. Scroll down to the Website box and put your full blog address in there. Save.

    Done!

    • mooselicker says:

      It’s weird to me too. Doctors should be the band-aid people, guidance counselors should be the ones that are always too busy to help you out.

      I don’t think Lisa is a blogger. I think she’s a commoner. A peasant. I feel dirty just letting someone without a blog near me.

      (I’m jokin, it’s nice to be among the serfs every once in a while)

  4. Lisa says:

    The idea of actually blogging sort of scares me. I’d rather just stay on the fringe and put my two cents in when I feel it’s appropriate and maybe when it’s not? Should I change my mind, and become a blogger, I will alert the two of you immediately.

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