Shopping Carts

Posted: November 17, 2011 in Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , , , , ,

I have never worked in a grocery store. In fact, I have only ever had one taxable job. I’ve had friends who have worked in grocery stores and from what I’m told, I’m lucky to never have to put up with what they do. It’s rough and that’s why I’m always polite to the workers there. They don’t want to be there and I want to be back at home hiding under a blanket from the government. We have a silent pact.

That’s why it bothers me so much when people do not return their shopping carts to the proper shopping cart return receptacles. It goes back to that age-old Bible quote “If everybody throws a booger on the ground, then the ground will be covered with thy boogers.” If everybody doesn’t return their shopping cart to the proper location, then we got a parking lot full of carts and nowhere to park.

I always make sure to return my shopping cart. Maybe once or twice I didn’t when it was really inconvenient. Like I had to poop badly and taking one more step at that moment would cause me to stain my pants. Sorry for the vulgarity. I don’t mean to give you horrible images in your head. I’m trying to prove a point. There are very few instances when you shouldn’t return your shopping cart. Having to take a massive nutty shit is one of them.

(Imagine a 5’10 monocle wearing, cane swinging, tap dancing fruitcake like this coming out of your ass. That’s the only time you don’t have to return a shopping cart)

It seems too often that I’m trying to find a parking spot. I’m not picky, I don’t mind walking. There are times when I think I’ll be lucky and get a close spot. Then I’m surprised to see the spot is occupied by 1, 2, up to 5 carts at a time. An entire orgy of carts! Why should I be surprised? The same species that invented genocide, nuclear weapons, and the Snuggy are responsible for this. I shouldn’t expect anything less from us. It’s such a lazy act to not move your shopping cart another few feet. You inconvenience me, the cart boy, and those two people are important enough to warrant this being a bad thing to do. I don’t need to be inconvenienced because you spent an hour walking around the store pushing a cart and now that you’re done with it you happen to be too tired to put it where it belongs. That’s not right. Do I leave your daughters on the side of the road when I’m done with them. Maybe once, but she was kinda weird-looking. You let her go out with me in the first place. I didn’t think you’d care too much where I left her.

Like a driver’s license, using a shopping cart should be a privilege, not a right. There needs to be some sort of exam for people in order to use this. Something! Give the cart boy a dollar for collateral and as soon as you return the cart you get your buck back. That’s a little extreme, but people are so lazy that it might work.

The problem is, when shoppers at the grocery stores are lazy, the cart boys will in return be lazy to make your life a little bit worse. Oh and when I say cart boys, do not get offended that I say boys and not people. Most people who get the carts, male and female, are very masculine. You’re a boy. I’ve never seen a cart boy with a nice ass. Until I do, they’re cart boys, not cart people. Anyway, if you’re lazy then the cart boys will be lazy too. They’ll be so exhausted from having to do the extra work, that when they file their taxes they will do it incorrectly and then you’ll have extra work to do to resolve the problem. It’s something called Cause & Effect. Like if a butterfly flaps its wings in China, a man’s wig blows off in Kansas City, or something like that.

(The Butterfly Effect, Ashton Kutcher makes one good movie and we give him 12 more shots at it. He fails)

I have very little tolerance for laziness. Especially laziness that I always have the common courtesy to actually do. I know a lot of the carts are probably the elderly who are in too much pain to walk a little further so okay, you get a pass. Your carts are in the 50,000 handicap parking spots anyway. It doesn’t effect me. It only affects the pregnant woman trying to buy some baby formula. That’ll show that whore for getting knocked up.

My latest trip to WalMart had an occurrence where a man was very lazy with his shopping cart. It was WalMart so I guess he was the most normal person there besides me. He was in front of me as I was leaving and in the doorway he pulled his bag out of his shopping cart and left the cart in the doorway. Just sitting there in the way of everybody to walk by next. I know that he was thinking that he was doing a good thing, leaving the cart in the store, but it was in MY way. It was a little out of HIS way to return it to the correct place inside the store so he decided on an unhappy medium, leaving it in the middle of the exit. I don’t understand people whose minds work like this. They must be missing that consideration gene. We should all leave shopping carts in the middle of pathways once we’re done with them. It’ll make it more exciting getting back to our cars.

I feel like an old man complaining about shopping carts. I’ve been a regular LAUREN RANT N RAVE!!! Really, shopping carts are a metaphor for anything. The same people who don’t return their shopping carts are the same people who don’t tip at restaurants. They’re the same people who don’t use turn signals. The same lousy human beings who cut in line. I hate these people. The only ease for my mind, some day they’ll be dead.

  1. breezyk says:

    I was thinking about that movie the other day when I was wishing I could go back in time and tell myself not to be so lame in university… I took comfort in the fact that if I had done it, Jessica Simpson would probably end up being president, and Rebecca Black the #1 recording artist in the world. So, you’re welcome, basically.

    • mooselicker says:

      That’s much scarier than changing the past and ending up with no arms or legs and the girl of your dreams is sleeping with your fat best friend one bed away. I don’t know what you deserve for your courage to not travel through time. Perhaps I’ll organize a parade with your favorite cartoon characters as giant balloons. It’ll be next Thursday morning so be sure to thank me for all of the hard work I put into celebrating you.

  2. Lisa says:

    Here in the Midwest we refer to the cart “receptacle” as the cart ” corral”. I think this may have something to do with the high success rate of cart return. I think midwesterners, for the most part, are a pretty considerate group anyway. Giving the cart corral a formal name makes it feel more special, it elevates the whole shopping experience. Shoppers actually want to return their carts to be a part of the corral. It’s rare to see a rogue cart so I guess we can also assume from your theory that maybe midwesterners don’t have as many bowel emergencies/ issues?

    • mooselicker says:

      No, I think people in the Northeast are just assholes. I forget where I was, but at a diner the waitress called me cute then gave me money for the jukebox. Who does that? I was 2 for 2 and hadn’t even ordered my taters.

      Corral name could also come from the cowboy history in the area. Maybe they’re called a corral all over. I like to call any boxed in area where you put things a receptacle. We’re thinking about placing my grandma in an old folks receptacle. Maybe if we call it a corral she’ll be more willing.

  3. Stuck in a tree says:

    I loled.

    Btw some shopping carts in NY do have a thing wher eyou put in a quarter to use the cart. If you return it, the quarter comes out and you keep it

    • mooselicker says:

      Better than Philly where they don’t even let you take the carts to your car. Can you blame them? People either get shot or fall down then get their backs rubbed there everyday.

  4. Lisa says:

    Do you ever think about how many digesting germs are on the handle of the shopping cart? Seriously, the people you see picking their nose when they’re driving usually go shopping at some point. Lately I’ve taken to using the anti bacterial wipes they offer inside the the store where you grab your cart. Please tell me the north east offers these wipes cause I feel strongly that the germs in your neighborhoods are probably at a toxic level.

  5. Lily says:

    I like this post because its about hating people. I was going to say the thing about the cart corral but my mom beat me to it. Every time I go in Walmart, I die a little inside.

    • Smart Guy says:

      The most depressing part about Wal-Mart for me is the “greeters”. They never look happy to be there, which is ironic because their job is literally to greet people. There is a Wal-Mart by my apartment in an urban area, and somehow all the employees there look like they were plucked off the back of a pick-up trick that just left the farm. Where do they find these people?!?!

      • mooselicker says:

        I agree. The greetings rarely smile and are always sitting. That’s disrespectful to greet someone while sitting. I could be royalty for all they know.

    • mooselicker says:

      Lisa’s your mom? I thought she was your sister! I’m not just saying that to be eerily charming either. You’ve got a cool mommy.

  6. sami116 says:

    This you would consider a minor offence compared to what I’ve done with shopping carts, as a kid of course 😛

  7. I have only ever been to Walmart once or twice and it was quite empty each time. I did marvel at the the display of guns right next to the $5 sunglasses though.

    One thing many US supermarkets seem to lack is pre-packaged sandwiches. I would pop in around lunctime trying to pick up something quick for lunch yet they didn’t have any actual lunch type thingies, just crisps and chocolate.

    • mooselicker says:

      I guess it depends where you go. We’re very germaphobish and like to look the scoundrel in the eyes who makes our sandwich. We put our lowest class in the factories and rarely provide sinks. That could be why you have trouble finding prepackaged sandwiches.

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