I consider myself a pretty nice guy. That means nothing though. Most people consider themselves pretty nice. We all do what we think is right. Even Ted Bundy probably thought those women were a problem and deserved it. I think I’m nice because I am always doing favors for others. It’s not tough work. There isn’t much I can do. I suck at fixing things whether it be technological or something like a wooden chair. I’m not handy at all. I only know what a wrench is based on the board game Clue. Hammers are the only tool that I can use properly. It’s the idiot device. Clunking one hard object in your hand into another object somewhere else. Monkeys invented the hammer. Then they turned into humans because of it.

(A monkey building a Sara Jessica Parker bone replica)

A constant theme that I seem to be coming across now are people asking for favors from me way too much. Someone asking me to move something because I’m a man and they’re a woman is fine. Even when the woman has a thicker mustache than me (meaning more testosterone) I will help out. The favors that I have a big problem with are the ones that are asked from those who want the favor and nothing else.

I had a friend in high school. Not really a friend. More of someone who I could talk to in gym class. He sent me a text message a few months back. It was the first contact we had in over a year. He asked me what was up and I lied about how wonderful my life has since become. I knew this wasn’t out of the blue. Something had to be up. The conversation continued and he tells me that he’s looking for a job and wants to know if I know anywhere that is hiring. Huh. I thought you wanted to reconnect with an old pal. No. You want to use me for my extensive knowledge about the workforce. He must have thought that I worked as a writer for an unemployment magazine or else he’s really as retarded as I remember. Why on earth would I know places that are hiring? And if I did, why would I tell someone who hasn’t talked to me in a year? He hasn’t talked to since. I’m expecting another text once he loses his current job asking me the same question yet again with the same lousy pleasantries which aren’t really all that pleasant.

Again, a friend from high school contacted me recently. I actually liked this one a little bit more. I never egged his house and that’s kind of how I group my friends. People whose houses or cars I have willingly destroyed and those who I stayed away from. This particular friend from my past had a question for me that I do not have an answer to. He wanted to know how to block an old website of ours from potential employers finding it. I remember never finding the website in search engines, but hey fuck me, I’m the one stupid enough to actually consider finding out an answer. That is, until I realized that I wished him a Facebook happy birthday and he did not wish me one. He can risk it for all I care. The website didn’t have anything too offensive on there anyway. We haven’t spoken since 2006. The middle of that year too. 5 and a half years have passed and now he needs a favor. He’s not the Godfather. I hope he doesn’t get the job at GloboTek, TeknoGlobe, or whatever this large important business must be called.

I am not the only one who has “old friends” returning for favors. My friend who happens to be a girl (it’s my girlfriend, but I’m worried that a hot girl might read this and have morals against doing dirty things with me seeing as I’m taken and all) had a friend who deleted her off of Facebook. Deleting someone off of Facebook is like murdering them. Maybe worse. They didn’t talk for maybe a year or so and then out of the blue (the second time I’ve used this term, bad writing) she got a text message from her. Like most of these come-crawling-back-scumbags, the conversation started with the usual “hey how are you” and “awww we should hang out again” horse shit that they say to try to lure you into a false sense of security. I was suspicious at first and it only grew more and more as I continued to watch a video on YouTube about how much control the government really has over our lives. Turns out, the girl wanted pictures from an old dance that they had went to. It does not surprise me one bit. Nobody ever contacts an old friend unless they want something or are in a 12-step program. It’s like an admittance of defeat if they do so. One of you has to give that “Why did we ever stop hanging out” speech. Then you try to remember the good times. And in doing so, you remember exactly why you stopped hanging out. You don’t need to have the same friends your entire life. Life isn’t an Archie Comic Book.

(Unrealistic. Archie isn’t charming or handsome. Why does he get to share a malt with those two hot chicks? Archie has creepy eyes)

I get nervous whenever people from my past add me on Facebook now. I know there’s some ulterior motive. Most likely just to spy on me. I don’t mind. I can be like all of those girls who claim that anybody who smiles at them is a stalker.

Comments
  1. Lily says:

    Also, Archie is a ginger. Either Betty and Veronica are blind or…blind.

  2. Beware of friendly people talking to you. It means you’ll lose money or energy.

  3. Becoming Bitter says:

    I don’t use f*ck book at all. I hate it and I have my reasons for it. Old friends? Well they would contact me if they had my number – which they don’t anymore. You’re right about people only wanting favors. I just tell them the truth. I tell them I’m effing busy. I agree with RFB (A or B) she is right. It’s the friendly people you need to watch out for.

    • mooselicker says:

      I’m nearly at the point where I would tell them off. The next one that does it, I swear! Unless I can think of an excuse which I always seem to be able to. I think the important thing is that I don’t let them take advantage of my fake decency.

  4. I used Facebook for a while after my mate got married and lived in the US. I spoke to one of the bridesmaids for a while and looked at the wedding pics once they were available and then I left it. I only ever logged on to untag myself from various pics that got put up.

    These days I use it quite a bit to spam about my blog and books. Shameless publicity ftw

    • mooselicker says:

      That’s what my FB has become. Just a shameless promotion for myself. At least I don’t invite everyone to stupid comedy shows like the rest of my friends do.

      And I have to ask, was the Bridesmaid hot?

  5. Lisa says:

    Sarah Jessica Parker’s bone replica is pretty damn funny.
    I can’t imagine looking someone up from my past to ask them for help in finding a job?! That’s so random and weird. I wouldn’t even look someone up from the past to say, hi. It’s too awkward. It quickly starts to crumble when it becomes obvious that you have nothing in common except for the fact that you were once friends a long time ago. The re-kindle is best left alone. This is one of many reasons why Facebook makes me anxious.

    • mooselicker says:

      Thank you 🙂

      To be fair, it had only been a few years since we had last seen each other. He’s always been the guy that only contacts me if he needs something. He’s nice and all. One time I saw him grind with his sister. That was weird and one reason why I do not wish to help him out in finding a job.

  6. mindwarpfx says:

    At least there is the internet or cell phones to have all of those people from the past getting back with you. Think of it a few years ago…. Knock, knock, ” now who is at the door?” Think of that! I love the internet and my cell phone. I can call just to see if their home first before knocking.
    All the best!

    • mooselicker says:

      Yeah you’re right. I would hate if people had to come to my door to ask me for a dumb favor. I’d feel threatened too because they’d know where I lived. I wouldn’t be able to turn them down.

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