Human Centipedes

Posted: November 19, 2011 in Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , , , , ,

I woke up this morning with the taste of ass in my mouth. It was not pleasant. But it reminded me of the film Human Centipede. It’s been probably around a year since I saw the film and yet I still think about it often. I’m not sure why exactly. Nothing about it was fantastic and none of the characters reminded me of myself. What is it about this film that I can’t shake?

For those of you who don’t know the plot, I’ll sum it up for you. I’ll do my best not spoil it for you. The film has two dumb American women in it who get tricked into getting tied up by a crazy German man. The film was shot in Amsterdam. Is that what the world thinks about American women and German men? That all American women are stupid and German men creeps? Is the world really that smart?

The girls get kidnapped and there’s a pretty good 15 minute sequence that really scared me a lot. Eventually, the German is able to do his evil deed of created the Human Centipede. It involves connecting three people, ass to mouth, to each other making sure that the digestive tract all functions in a straight line. I remember reading somewhere that the science behind it was true. That although the people would die, our bodies work in such a straight line where food can pass through three people and then out of the back. I don’t remember where it was that I read this. Probably a drunk text message.

Today I spent the day wondering which part of the centipede I would want to be. None obviously, but if I had to choose. In the film, the German makes it obvious that the middle is the worst and I do concur. I always agree with a German. Do you know what happens when you don’t? Bad shit!

Maybe if I think it out more that I can prove that this evil man was wrong in his assumption about the middle. I have compiled a list of pros and cons for each position of the Human Centipede:

The Front

The film has a Japanese man as the front. He doesn’t know English so he speaks whatever crazy language he speaks. There are subtitles whenever he speaks so if you’ve thought that this movie isn’t educational, you’re wrong. You can learn this Japanese man’s mysterious language.

Pro:

1) You can still speak

2) No shit goes in your mouth

3) You never have to stare at an asshole if you don’t want to

4) Your taste buds still serve a purpose

5) You can still fool people on dating websites to go on dates with you, even if you use a recent picture with the other two people attached to you cropped out

Con:

1) People will ask how this happened and you’ll be the one who has to tell the story

2) You’ll probably have to be the one to work a job to support all three of you

3) The two people behind you can easily talk bad about you behind your back

4) You still have to go to the dentist

5) If you’re not a natural leader, things are not going to work out well

The Middle

Like mentioned earlier, the middle is the worst at first glance. The crazy German makes the girl he hates most the middle of his crazy creation. I hate being in the middle of things. I’m the middle child and that means the least liked of any family member. It’s not fair. Being in the middle sucks. Ask Malcolm.

Pro:

1) Nothing more is expected of you

2) You will never feel alone, you will always have one person right in front of you and one right behind

3) Only one person’s shit has to go into your mouth (kind of glass half full mentality with that one)

4) For girls, no more men will pinch your butts

5) For guys, no more having to wipe your butt

Con:

1) You can never get your face in Christmas card pictures anymore without an ass being in the way

2) If the front and the back argue then you’ll be stuck there awkwardly

3) No elbow room at all

4) You’ll never be the first person to enter the room, whether your centipede moves forwards or backwards

5) Really hard to put on a shirt or pants, unlike your counterparts who can get at least one on

The Back

Human Centipede had the other dumb American in the very back. I kind of felt in the movie that it was her fault that they were in this predicament in the first place. She seemed more whiny to me. Who takes a drink from a complete stranger even if it is just water? You deserved to eat two people’s shit. 

Pro:

1) You still have the ability to dance or at least kick your feet backwards to the beat

2) That new chair you bought can still get a little use

3) You can still have awkward anal sex, if that’s your thing

4) If you get hit with a baseball, nobody blames you for being stupid, there was no possible way you could have seen it coming

5) Nobody tries small talk with you because you cannot talk and your breath smell terrible

Con:

1) Very easy for someone to have awkward an anal sex with you, against your will

2) If the middle is fat, you will often go overlooking and have to stick your hand out to wave so your friends know that you’re there and you’re having fun

3) You come off looking like a sheep who follows not one, but two people

4) You never get to taste fine wine ever again

5) You’ll have to put all of your money into anal bleaching because that’s all anybody will ever see of you

Now that I’ve listed this all out, I would definitely want to be the front. You can have the most normal life. You can be charming, read books, and kiss girls. Sure, you’ll have two creeps behind you mumbling stuff all day. Remember the most important fact, no butts in your face all of the time. That’s why I would choose to be the front. That and I don’t have a nice enough butt to represent myself.

Comments
  1. kickingsport says:

    Never seen the film or the recent sequel thank God and I’m sure this post is far more entertaining than watching either anyway. Still leaves a bad taste in the mouth though…

  2. Lily says:

    I’ve always wanted to see that movie and now I REALLY want to see it. I would have to agree with you and say that the head would be the best. Pretty much everyone I know is a middle child–I hear its the worst.

    • mooselicker says:

      I’m a middle child so I guess I’ve spent enough time in that position. My head always going up my older sister’s ass trying to get her approval and my younger sister doing the same to me. It’s also bad for claustraphobia (I do not feel like looking up the correct spelling of that. Why is there no spell check on comments?)

  3. E. He says:

    I hated that movie. It was so disturbing; that includes the horrible acting of the two dumb Americans. Although to be fair, when is there ever good acting in horror films?

    Anywho, despite the very valid pros and cons of the middle and back of the centipede, I too would rather be in the front. In the movie, the back dies first because she eats so much poop she gets sick! Being the head gives me a chance to be a hero, I still get to speak, and I don’t have to eat shit. Besides, who wants to be called buttface? I know I don’t.

    • mooselicker says:

      I’ve been called a buttface and that isn’t a good thing. I thought the Japanese guy died first? Do I need a spoiler alert for that?

      I love that the words “…dies first because she eats so much poop” appears on my blog now.

  4. mindwarpfx says:

    I laughed so hard with this story. I guess this says that I have a sick sense of humor. LOL
    All the best!

  5. Becoming Bitter says:

    I think I could have lived without knowing all this. Well, I can just easily oblivate myself so no harm done.

  6. I love how you made a horrifically disgusting movie into a humorous pros and cons list. I tried watching the movie bootlegged on the internet but it was too blurry for me to stick with it.

    • mooselicker says:

      Consider yourself lucky that you didn’t watch it all. I rented it from the Redbox so now it’s probably on my credit card. I can’t buy a car or rent a home because of my mistake. Bootlegging was the best way to go with this one.

  7. Lisa says:

    “…I still think about it often. I’m not sure why exactly.” “What is it about this film I can’t shake?” Ummm, this is just a guess, but, probably because it is the grossest most disturbing premise ever? This is some seriously sick stuff. This is the kind of thing I imagine is taking place when one enters the gates of hell. This makes Sodom and Gomorrah seem like Six Flags. Definitely not something that will uplift. There’s nothing beautiful or inspiring or worthy of anyone’s time here. I’m with Mr. Bitter.

    • Bitter is a girly! She will be mad at you now.

      PS – when are you getting your own blog, Lisa?

      • Becoming Bitter says:

        @Micheal

        You could have let Lisa think otherwise, but you had to throw that out there didn’t you?

        I’m always happy when people think I’m a guy – that means I’m not girly!

        To everyone reading this comment: 1) I’m a girl, 2) I’m straight, 3) I’m a death eater so no girly clothes for me. Just a black cloak and a death eater mask.

    • mooselicker says:

      Shouldn’t it be that it makes Six Flags seem like Sodom and Gomorrah?

      Human Centipede is one of only a few films that really creep me out thinking about it. Like you hinted at, even the idea is weird. Then to sit down and write the movie. And film it. And light the set. I wonder if at any point someone stopped and said “This is unnecessary.”

  8. We look forward to reading your Survivor Series column on WR tomorrow!

  9. Top bit of postage here Mr Licker. Never seen the film but I don’t really like horror type stuff anyway. The last one I saw was Wolfe’s Creek and it just annoyed me.

    • mooselicker says:

      That’s the one about the Australian outback I believe? I’m not really into horror movies either. Sometimes they do actually scare me and I feel embarrassed. Usually they’re just really bad and I’m embarassed that I paid money for that. Then there are the other times that htey’re so bad and I still feel scared. Those are not my prideful moments.

  10. Lisa says:

    So sorry B. Bitter. Hard to tell from the little photo or “avatar”. I actually thought you had nice skin, very pale and pretty. I’m not sure what a death eater is but I would think with that label, that you would enjoy M. Licker’s recent entry? I guess I’m just confused at this point….? Maybe I’m over thinking it?

    • Becoming Bitter says:

      It’s fine Lisa! I’m flattered, really. You can call me Bitter, Bitte (It’s a German word), or BitterSweet. Oh, a death eater is a follower of Voldemort. He is a dark lord and practitioner of the dark arts.

      The terms death eater, Voldemort, and dark arts all come from the Harry Potter book series written by JK Rowling. You can think of me however you want and you’re free to imagine me however you want (provided it’s nothing weird).

  11. Lisa says:

    Michael,
    I’m more comfortable on the fringe for now. I’m thinking about what I could write about that might be interesting, though. I’ll keep you posted.

  12. tootsiewoo says:

    “Only one person’s shit has to go into your mouth.” I wonder how many pros and cons lists that one has made it onto…probably more than either of would like to admit. And I’m SO GLAD you explained what a Human Centipede is (glad and nauseous beyond belief) because I’ve heard that referenced a lot lately ( i need new friends…) and have just gone along with it “yeah, centipedes are gross…?”

    • mooselicker says:

      Centipedes are gross alone. They crawl and are furry. Human Centipedes are worse. They crawl and have faces attached to asses which are furry. I think we should kill every centipede we see. We wouldn’t be in this mess if we did it. You never hear of a human dodo bird now do you? No! That’s because we took care of them long ago.

  13. sami116 says:

    I had the misfortune of eating food while reading this, now I’ve lost my appetite?

    One question before I leave, did you have popcorn while watching this film? If so, how did it taste? 😛

  14. I think this might be the funniest thing I have ever read!

  15. Hey, mooselicker, RFB has nominated you for the Liebster Blog Award :).

  16. This post is totally nasty and gross. I love it! I would press you freshly!

  17. Pete Howorth says:

    I’ve wanted to see this film for awhile, it was on one night when I was in Wales with a bunch of friends for the weekend, I put it on and they all whined and complained how they didn’t want it on so I had to turn it over right at the part the women pass out.

    Then the follow morning I get, “Yeah I’d have watched that with you Pete.” Bollocks! You were the ones telling me to turn it over you two faced bitches!!

    Anyway, I’d definitely be front just for the fact I’m not eating anyones shit, sitting down would be a bit of a problem though, plus if they die you have to drag around two corpses.

  18. […] Part Deux. It has nothing to do with one of my most memorable blog posts I have ever done entitled Human Centipedes where I thoroughly analyze which part of the Human Centipede I would most like to be. So […]

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