I woke up this morning with the taste of ass in my mouth. It was not pleasant. But it reminded me of the film Human Centipede. It’s been probably around a year since I saw the film and yet I still think about it often. I’m not sure why exactly. Nothing about it was fantastic and none of the characters reminded me of myself. What is it about this film that I can’t shake?
For those of you who don’t know the plot, I’ll sum it up for you. I’ll do my best not spoil it for you. The film has two dumb American women in it who get tricked into getting tied up by a crazy German man. The film was shot in Amsterdam. Is that what the world thinks about American women and German men? That all American women are stupid and German men creeps? Is the world really that smart?
The girls get kidnapped and there’s a pretty good 15 minute sequence that really scared me a lot. Eventually, the German is able to do his evil deed of created the Human Centipede. It involves connecting three people, ass to mouth, to each other making sure that the digestive tract all functions in a straight line. I remember reading somewhere that the science behind it was true. That although the people would die, our bodies work in such a straight line where food can pass through three people and then out of the back. I don’t remember where it was that I read this. Probably a drunk text message.
Today I spent the day wondering which part of the centipede I would want to be. None obviously, but if I had to choose. In the film, the German makes it obvious that the middle is the worst and I do concur. I always agree with a German. Do you know what happens when you don’t? Bad shit!
Maybe if I think it out more that I can prove that this evil man was wrong in his assumption about the middle. I have compiled a list of pros and cons for each position of the Human Centipede:
The film has a Japanese man as the front. He doesn’t know English so he speaks whatever crazy language he speaks. There are subtitles whenever he speaks so if you’ve thought that this movie isn’t educational, you’re wrong. You can learn this Japanese man’s mysterious language.
1) You can still speak
2) No shit goes in your mouth
3) You never have to stare at an asshole if you don’t want to
4) Your taste buds still serve a purpose
5) You can still fool people on dating websites to go on dates with you, even if you use a recent picture with the other two people attached to you cropped out
1) People will ask how this happened and you’ll be the one who has to tell the story
2) You’ll probably have to be the one to work a job to support all three of you
3) The two people behind you can easily talk bad about you behind your back
4) You still have to go to the dentist
5) If you’re not a natural leader, things are not going to work out well
Like mentioned earlier, the middle is the worst at first glance. The crazy German makes the girl he hates most the middle of his crazy creation. I hate being in the middle of things. I’m the middle child and that means the least liked of any family member. It’s not fair. Being in the middle sucks. Ask Malcolm.
1) Nothing more is expected of you
2) You will never feel alone, you will always have one person right in front of you and one right behind
3) Only one person’s shit has to go into your mouth (kind of glass half full mentality with that one)
4) For girls, no more men will pinch your butts
5) For guys, no more having to wipe your butt
1) You can never get your face in Christmas card pictures anymore without an ass being in the way
2) If the front and the back argue then you’ll be stuck there awkwardly
3) No elbow room at all
4) You’ll never be the first person to enter the room, whether your centipede moves forwards or backwards
5) Really hard to put on a shirt or pants, unlike your counterparts who can get at least one on
Human Centipede had the other dumb American in the very back. I kind of felt in the movie that it was her fault that they were in this predicament in the first place. She seemed more whiny to me. Who takes a drink from a complete stranger even if it is just water? You deserved to eat two people’s shit.
1) You still have the ability to dance or at least kick your feet backwards to the beat
2) That new chair you bought can still get a little use
3) You can still have awkward anal sex, if that’s your thing
4) If you get hit with a baseball, nobody blames you for being stupid, there was no possible way you could have seen it coming
5) Nobody tries small talk with you because you cannot talk and your breath smell terrible
1) Very easy for someone to have awkward an anal sex with you, against your will
2) If the middle is fat, you will often go overlooking and have to stick your hand out to wave so your friends know that you’re there and you’re having fun
3) You come off looking like a sheep who follows not one, but two people
4) You never get to taste fine wine ever again
5) You’ll have to put all of your money into anal bleaching because that’s all anybody will ever see of you
Now that I’ve listed this all out, I would definitely want to be the front. You can have the most normal life. You can be charming, read books, and kiss girls. Sure, you’ll have two creeps behind you mumbling stuff all day. Remember the most important fact, no butts in your face all of the time. That’s why I would choose to be the front. That and I don’t have a nice enough butt to represent myself.