Standing Ovations

Posted: November 25, 2011 in Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , , , , ,

I was witness to something awesome recently. So awesome that I’m writing about it. I only write about awesome things. That’s why most of what I write about is myself.

I was at a comedy show and while waiting outside noticed a fat girl near the front of the line. She must have been waiting there for 30 minutes already. The show doesn’t start for another hour and a half. My first thought upon seeing her was that she looked like actress Kat Dennings. Actually no. That was my second thought. My real first thought was that she was a fat chick who happened to look like Kat Dennings. And that is why I easily whispered “Hey look, it’s Fat Dennings” into my girlfriend’s ear. She agreed and I felt like a stud. I wanted to pass it along to others in the line, but the man behind me had a shaved head and a goatee. Then the man in front of me had glasses. I was surrounded by brains and brawn. If the joke bombed, I’d be fucked.

We got inside and the first thing I noticed was that Fat Dennings was seated front and center. I mean as front and center as possible. She lined herself up directly with the microphone stand. For the next hour or so (until the show finally started, do shows ever start on time?) she continued to look back, waiting for a friend to join her. It was annoying and creepy. Every 25 second I would have to be subjected to her chubby fat face with even chubbier whale lips. I don’t think whales have lips. It wouldn’t surprise me if they once did and Fat Dennings had stolen their lips to place them on her own face. Her friend finally showed up and she was a very frumpy looking girl. She didn’t look like any celebrities that I know of. Celebrities are usually good looking. This girl was not. She had tumbleweed hair and a scarf that I had earlier in the night seen a homeless man shining his penis with. I didn’t think much of it at the time, but later on I had a laugh about it.

Then came the big failure. At the end of the show, Fat Dennings who I am convinced is a stalker, stood up. She was giving a standing ovation. The thing about standing ovations is that they must start somewhere. It’s like all human life. It makes me think of that whole “which came first, the chicken or the eggs?” shit. F.D. was about to not only fail at giving life, she was having a miscarriage in doing so.

Her fat arms flapped together. A nice clap. She was officially giving a standing ovation. Standing, clapping, giving ovation to a show well done. I thought another man was about to stand, but he was adjusting his ass in his seat. F.D. turned around and noticed that she was the only person standing. It had only been about 10 seconds of her making a fool of herself, but I noticed it and being front and center, others must have too. She had failed at a standing ovation. For a second I thought of giving her a standing ovation for her failure. Or perhaps a round of applause. That is, clapping my hands in a circular motion. I learned that one when I was 5.

F.D. sat back down embarrassed. It must be like how those douches at baseball games feel when they try to start the wave and instead get peanuts thrown at them after they trip.

She should have seen the omen. The entire show she was shielding her eyes from the light that was shining immediately into her face. Front and center and the entire show you have a blinding light detaching your retinas. That’s a sign that you suck. Sit down, shut up, and stop being fatter versions of already questionably overweight celebrities.

Comments
  1. Lily says:

    Dude. I hate Kat Dennings. Hollywood needs to stop trying to make her happen. I think her first movie was called Charlie Barlett or something which had one too many Harold and Maude references. That pissed me off. I like that you almost gave her a standing ovation for her failure. I have stopped clapping for people and only snap for people now. It just feels more right.

  2. tootsiewoo says:

    People like Fat D. make me uncomfortable. I think they should all offer up their reproductive organs and live on an island away from society where they can embarrass themselves til the cows come home.

  3. Becoming Bitter says:

    Making fun of fat people again I see. You seem to have some kind of phobia related to obesity. Did a fat person sit on you when you were a kid? That’s the impression I’ve been getting so far. I like it. It’s nice to know other people’s weaknesses… like how I know yours now.

    On a serious note, yes people like Fat D. annoy me, BUT they have their uses.
    What kind of uses you ask? Well say for example you’re attending class and the lecture is boring as hell. You’re falling asleep. What do you do? Go sit behind a fat person. I actually did that for my botany class. I would always sit behind this one girl and the professor never noticed a thing. It’s better than trying to prop up a book or sleep behind your laptop.

    You may also ask “Then why bother going to class?”. Well some scholarships actually do take note of your attendance records.

    – The Dark One (only one)

  4. I hate fat people. I started a thread on a forum today about hating fat people and I got a warning for it.

  5. Lisa says:

    It’s been my experience that when you make fun of someone’s physical condition it’s not long before you are struck down by some hideous affliction. So go ahead and make fun of the fatties but don’t say I didn’t warn you.

    • Becoming Bitter says:

      *Thumbs-Up* for Lisa’s comment. I’m sure he’ll have a pot belly or something when he’s older.

      PS. I apologize for the douchebaggery Moose, but… Lisa has a point you know.

      • Lisa says:

        Once again, Bitter and I are on the same page, literally and figuratively.

      • mooselicker says:

        Actually I used to be really fat. I was 256 pounds when I was 16 years old. Now I hover anywhere from 160-180 depending upon my mood and effort. If a fat little teenager like me could lose the weight eating pizza for breakfast I believe anyone can.

  6. Becoming Bitter says:

    @Moose

    That’s great that you were able to lose weight and maintain it. My cousin tried to lose weight, but he failed in the end. Now when people look at him they ask my uncle if that’s his brother.

    • mooselicker says:

      Oof! I seriously hope there isn’t that big of an age difference. It’s gotta make your uncle feel kind of good though. Believe it or not, guys worry about that stuff more than you’d think. At least I do. But I’m a bit of a girly girl at heart.

      • Becoming Bitter says:

        My uncle is 45 years old and my cousin is … 18.

        The thing is… Asian people are weird. They don’t care about their own appearance. They want their sons and daughters to be marketable (aka marriage material). A fat old looking dude isn’t going to land himself any hot babes. So, my uncle is distressed. He feels like if my cousin doesn’t change himself soon, there will be no hope for his future.

      • mooselicker says:

        Not ALL Asian people are like that, but like you’ve said before, your family is fairly new to the US so they’re holding onto those old values, but I’m telling you things you already know.

        He’s still got time to turn it around. Who knows? Maybe he’ll invent something incredible and looks will not matter to his future wife. Jetpacks don’t exist yet. Maybe he can invent those.

    • No offence to your cousin but he simply didn’t try hard enough. Losing weight is easy, I lost two stone earlier this year simply from cutting out the rubbish food and getting back down the gym.

  7. Becoming Bitter says:

    I was born and raised here and my dad has lived in the US longer than he has lived in “our” native country, but the rest of my relatives are new here. So, you’re right about that. My cousin… well I don’t know. He’s always playing PS3 games. I have my own PS3 too. I play COD every once and while, but all the time? No thanks. The jet pack wouldn’t be able to lift a single leg of his. He’s not into science or engineering either so inventing anything, but new desserts is out of the question.

  8. Jean says:

    “My uncle is 45 years old and my cousin is … 18.

    The thing is… Asian people are weird. They don’t care about their own appearance. They want their sons and daughters to be marketable (aka marriage material). A fat old looking dude isn’t going to land himself any hot babes. So, my uncle is distressed. He feels like if my cousin doesn’t change himself soon, there will be no hope for his future.”

    Strange comment. I think each family is different, becoming bitter.
    You need to live in a big North American city where Asians including those born in Canad or U.S. comprise of 25% of the population…which is true for Metro Vancouver and Metro Toronto.

    I disagree with your observation. But then, I’m in your uncle’s generation. 😀

    From a Canadian-born Asian.

    • Becoming Bitter says:

      It’s a strange comment because it comes from a strange person Jean. I do live in a big North American city and it’s extremely diverse here. I have a huge (really huge family) 12 uncles and aunts on both sides of the family. Quite a few of them are living in Canada (like yourself), but I also have Canadian born friends here. Let me amend my comment. Asians are still weird (I’m one too), but my culture is weirder, my specific “brand” of Asian is weirder. In my culture a lot of emphasis is placed on marriage. So, my comment was specific to a particular group of Asians.

  9. Stuck in a tree says:

    hahahaha fat dennings. idk even know how I missed her standing ovation

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