(Walter White, resident of New Mexico)

Calling someone a New Mexican is the most offensive term that I can think you could call a person. There are already Mexicans, why do we need New Mexicans? Are Mexicans obsolete?

In the United States, there are lots of “New” places. New York, New Jersey, New Hampshire, New England; as well as countless other tinier, shittier, places in these states and areas that begin with the word New. There was never anything wrong with the old York, the old Jersey, the old Hampshire (except for the prostitutes being overweight), or the old England. The people who named these places lacked originality, but they could either name the place after an old favorite city of theirs or some complicated Native American name. Chipoqupequa is hard to spell and may not even exist. Taking a city that you’re already familiar with and throwing the word “New” in front of it is much easier. Remember, back in those days everyone had to write letters. Hand write! Benjamin Franklin never browsed the Internet. He was too busy stealing quotes from Yogi Berra. That sneak!

(“A penny saved is a penny earned.” – Yogi Berra, 1784)

The state of New Mexico is different from the rest. It’s newer and we had already come up with more clever names for our states by then, like Ohio and West Virginia. My problem with calling this state New Mexico is that I don’t think the regular-old-plain-smelly country of Mexico is done. Calling a place New York isn’t nearly as insulting. York is a city. Mexico, a country. Calling a place New Mexico is like saying “We can do a better job than you can and we’re only one lousy state, not an entire country. Ha Ha! Nenny-Nenny. Boo Boo!”

New Mexico is much smaller than Mexico. I don’t have the exact number in front of me, I’d have to minimize the pornography on the screen in order to do that. I do believe however that New Mexico does have a lot of Mexicans. I guess it makes them New Mexicans. New and improved. They’re the latest model of the T-Bird. Out with the old, in with the new. It’s like in Terminator when Arnold’s cyborg was no longer the best and that chick came in as the best and most up to date cyborg. Too nerdy or obscure? Okay, how about when Darth Vader rebuilt the Death Star with a much stronger shield? Yeah, that’s as non-nerdy of a comparison I can make.

What’s the solution to this New Mexico problem? Change the name–of Mexico! They’re long due for an overhaul. Many great places change their names. Tokyo used to be Edo. France used to be Gaul. Istanbul used to be Constantinople (thank you They Might Be Giants). Iraq used to be Persia. The People’s Republic of the Congo used to be Congo. See, there are many tremendously amazing places that have gotten a new name and remained successful. It’s not like any of those places ever bombed Pearl Harbor, are hated imperialistic cowards, are in countries named after birds, harbor terrorists, or perform female circumcision against the will of the female, respectively. I don’t know what we could call Mexico. It’s up to their trusting government. They must really like their guys they got in charge. They always win the elections every year. It’s like how Saddam Hussein won the presidency all those times despite it being against the law to serve so many terms. But he was The People’s Champ and the people spoke–with guns to the back of their heads.

  1. Lily says:

    New Mexico is pretty much the same as old Mexico. I remember driving through Albuquerque on a road trip when I was 11. A drunken Indian tried to give my mom a dollar, and she told my brother and I to stay in the car. Good times!

    • mooselicker says:

      Native Americans are so generous. All we did to them was take, take, take. All they want to do is give, give, give. Or maybe he was on peyote and thought the dollar was a ticket and your mom was his God. Everybody knows that you nee the correct ticket to get into heaven. Or he could have been a bad Indian trying to bribe his way into heaven? That’s gotta be it. No way those people are that nice.

      The end of my made up story.

  2. Lisa says:

    Most people think I’m a God(dess) soooo, it’s probably best to stick with that version. (One doesn’t need to be on peyote to see that I’m a god(dess).)

    • Lisa says:

      Maybe you can come up with 3 possible alternatives to replace the name “Mexico” with? I’m thinking something along the lines of, “Badwater” but in Spanish?

      • mooselicker says:

        Mal Agua!

        That would be Bad Water in Spanish. We’d leave in the exclamation point. It would be the first country with punctuation. Maybe that’ll help tourism? I’m sure some other people can come up with some ideas.

    • mooselicker says:

      The peyote was only added to let people know I have extensive knowledge of Native American culture. Of course it’s unneeded for one to see the Goddess before them! It just helps with the experience.

  3. Lisa says:

    Mal Agua! That’s brilliant! Leaving the exclamation point is perfect since they are a very dramatic people. I’m sure that will appeal to them.
    Thanks for recognizing that I am a goddess or, at least goddess-like.
    I knew your knowledge of Native Americans was extensive when you stated, “New Mexico is much smaller than Mexico” and when you referred to Mexico as, “Regular-old-plain-smelly country of Mexico.” I think you can win over the hearts and minds of it’s inhabitants with that kind of romantic and stirring speech. Mal Agua! Here we come!!!!

  4. Lily says:

    “since they are a very dramatic people” hahaha did you learn that info from your high school spanish class? Mal Agua! definitely has a ring to it. And it not only works as a name, but also as a warning. Muy bueno.

  5. breezyk says:

    we have a lot of this in Canada too- even the town I come from….and I totally agree that the old cities should change their names. I like to call it annexation by prefix.

    • mooselicker says:

      Yeah you guys got Newfoundland. Much more land has been found since its inception. I know it’s okay to make fun of Newfoundland. South Park taught me it’s the joke province, even for Canadians.

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