Reality star, actress, fat fuck, America’s Sweatheart (yes sweatheart), and oddly colored gnome Snooki recently turned 24 years old. My first thought seeing the news was that she would have been in the same grade as me if she didn’t drop out of school at the age of 6 to pursue competitive eating and non competitive thinking. I’m scared now. So scared that I will grow up to be nothing more than a failure.
I am older than Snooki by a little over a month. That means I am wiser than her. She should call me sir and ask for my autograph. That isn’t the case. If we were to run into each other at a men’s big and tall shop, I would be the star struck idiot calling her sir.
It bothers me way more than anyone can ever imagine to know that Snooki has surpassed me in money, fame, and love. As much as millions of us hate her she still does have her fans out there.
What did Snooki do right that I did not? For one she tried out for a reality show. I’ve never done that. I had the opportunity to be on an MTV show in an episode of a spin-off of a reality show that I forget the name of. My role was going to be “Improv Sketch Comedian in the Park #2”. I turned down the role as it paid nothing and would cost me $40 to get to plus losing a day’s pay at work. The show was never picked up and I like to think it was because it lacked my smile.
Snooki and me have a lot in common already. We’ve both been to Seaside Heights at the Jersey Shore. We both felt incredibly embarrassed when she botched her finisher at Wrestlemania last year. I enjoy pie and assuming that the phrase “we are what we eat” is true, she must like it too. With so much in common why is it that she gets all of the fame and glory? I’m left here waiting to be discovered for my incredible talents while she’s out getting her picture on hamburger wrappers.
This is a plea to all talent agents out there. I guarantee 100% that I can do whatever Snooki can do and I can do it better. No matter what it is I will win. This is also an open challenge to Nicole. Yes, I called you by your real name. I am challenging you to every competition imaginable. Think of it like that part of Billy Madison where they have all of the competitions against one another. I want that with you. We’ll have a race, we’ll mix science chemicals, and we’ll finish it all off with a trivia contest. I will beat you. There is no denying that.
I would like to however give Snooki credit. She has made a career out of being useless and annoying without having to put out a sex tape. This may disgust you, but I would watch a Snooki sex tape if it was handed to me. I wouldn’t go out of my way to find it. I wouldn’t dare risk getting a computer virus to watch her tits bounce around. She doesn’t do it for me enough to risk any of that. But with a DVD of the sex tape was handed to me, I would most certainly watch it.
It’s your move Snooki. Take the challenge or be branded a coward. Branded–I know there’s an easy cow joke in there somewhere, but in the spirit of sportsmanship will not go there.
Random Fact: “Satan” rhymes with “spray tan” coincidence?