String Theories

Posted: November 30, 2011 in Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , , , , ,

Donnie Darko is a film about a teenage boy who travels through time, I think. Nobody really knows what the movie is about. Just like how nobody really knows what BUDDHAKAT!!! means. A cat that has reached Nirvana? Seth Rogan is one of the bullies in Donnie Darko which you may not have known. He has only a few lines, one of which being “Lets get the fuck out of here.” It’s a movie that you either love or hate. Unless you’re me. I can’t decide whether or not I like it. The colors are pretty, the theme is dark, and I’m impressed that they got both Gyllenhalls to play siblings. It doesn’t take much for me to like a movie. Just put on two relatives and it doesn’t matter how little I get the plot. I will still enjoy your film.

The main theme of Donnie Darko is about string theory, I think. Shit. This movie is really confusing. Almost as confusing as string theory itself. For those scientifically retarded individuals reading this, string theory is basically the idea of being able to travel on different “strings” of time. It’s almost like you have multiple paths you can go down. You follow the string to meet your destiny. Honestly, I might be completely wrong as to what string theory really is. That’s what I gathered from flipping through a few pages of a book about it and reading the Wikipedia summary of Donnie Darko. Science isn’t my best subject. Home Economics has that distinction.

One string theory I do understand is the one about the piece of string I found in my parent’s bedroom when I was around 10 years old. I was playing with my sister (not like that you pervert!) and we found a piece of string. I don’t remember the color. All I do remember was that it was a short piece of string. Yarn perhaps.

(Warning: This is as cute as this post is going to get. The rest is very gross)

Being 10 years old, my mind assumes that all adults do when they’re in a bedroom together is have sex. I wanted to believe that my parents were in a happy and healthy relationship so I believed that every time they went into the bedroom it was their honeymoon all over again. That’s where my string theory came into play.

Using my lackluster knowledge of science, I concluded that the string I found beside the bed must be some sort of sexual device. For what exactly? How can one small piece of string possibly cause extreme sexual arousal? Well, here’s a list of things that I can think of that you could use string for to get off on.

(Nazi puppet on the right?)

Puppet Master: The string is tied around the penis in a loop with another strand free to tug on. It doesn’t matter what part it is tied to. All that matters is that the penis is fastened in tightly like it‘s about to go on some extreme sporting event. The partner (or wife, because gay sex is a sin) will pull on the string and make the penis wobble to and fro. This action will resemble a marionette puppet and if the kids were to walk in you can always put on a cute show until you can think of a better excuse.

(Native Americans rioting by burning sticks and figs)

Indian Burn: Place the string below the penis and pull each side of the string upwards. Pull the string back and forth (this will be an up motion) causing the penis to receive an Indian burn. The quicker, the better. This would only be suggested for those who are into inflicting or receiving pain. I know who you are! And I want your phone number.

(This was taken in 2003. He still hasn’t figured it out)

Chinese Finger Trap: Both partners tie an end of the string around their erect nipples while facing each other. Then you take a step backwards until it stretches your nipples even further, guaranteeing arousal. The act resembles that of a Chinese finger trip. The device created by the Chinese where the stereotype of them being sneaks came from. There’s no real escape from this. Unless you count escaping a life of sexual repression.

(You don’t know how hard it is to find an Indiana Jones photo)

Indiana Jones: The female partner lies down on her back, legs up in the air. The male partner (or female partner, lesbian sex isn’t a sin) takes the string and in a whipping fashion, whips the vagina of his female partner as hard as he can. Be sure to hit the clitoris. That’s where girls like to be touched. I’ve read that in Cosmopolitan and my sister’s diary.

(Did we really defeat Communism when this was in style?)

Rat Tail: The female in the relationship places the string into her vagina with only one little piece hanging out. This will look like the tail of a rat if done properly. The male’s job is to slowly pull the string it. This is a very rare yet satisfying sexual activity that has been handed down from incestuous family to incestuous family. Also, do not pull too quickly. It could be hazardous.

That’s where my 10-year-old mind was at. I really believed that my parents could do such horrible activities to each other while I tried sleeping on the other side of the wall.

To this day string still freaks me out a little bit. I wonder where it has been and why it smells like balls. I can’t wear hoodies with the strings in them and always have to cut the strings on the blinds off whenever I enter a room. I can’t eat string cheese. Stringer Bell from The Wire made me feel uncomfortable. It doesn’t matter what form the string is in. Thin. Thick. Long. Short. All string reminds me of is my parents being passionate. It makes me almost want to hang myself, but a noose reminds me too much of string.

  1. You, my friend, have a very over-active and hilarious imagination.

  2. Lily says:

    Ugh string gives me the creeps too. Mostly drawstrings though. The idea that string could hold up my pants makes me uneasy. Plus, it just hangs there. *shiver* I think your 10 year old mind set was very different than mine. Although I knew what sex was, I refused to believe it.

    • mooselicker says:

      Our minds were different. I believed what sex was, but I didn’t quite understand the basics.

      I don’t mind the strings from sweatshirts. I used to chew on them a lot. I could never chew the drawstring to a pair of shorts so I’ve never had much of an opinion on them. I’ll side with you though. I hate sports shorts.

  3. talker96 says:

    Many a night in my bedroom as a teenager I would sit an watch Puppet Master 2. Not because I got off on killer puppets(although the leech girl puppet…) but because a woman named Charlie Spradling got topless for about thirty seconds in the middle of the film. Thanks for reminding me of that film. Maybe it’s on Netflix….

    • mooselicker says:

      Anything to help a boy remove the poison! I’ve never seen any of the films. I did see that awful puppet movie that the makers of SAW did though. And the Goosebumps episodes.

  4. I would quite cheerfully strangle any rat-tailed children with string. And the parents as well. Horrendous choice of haircut, it makes you look like a vagrant.

    I watched Donnie Darko years ago but can’t really remember much of it. I guess that says a lot.

  5. Pete Howorth says:

    People with rat tails need to die.

    Of AIDs.

  6. eva626 says:

    ew ew ew at the rat tails…i also dont like mullets.

  7. robpixaday says:


    LOVE science. I was all set to be happy-happy-happy about this post…all geared up to debate “brane” theory with you….and then you mentioned Donnie Darko (haven’t seen it) and all I could think about was the TV series “Saving Grace,” about a policewoman named Grace Hannadarko (sp?), who had sex pretty much non-stop. Then you mentioned Seth Rogan and showed me the most ADORABLE kittycat ever.

    The rest is a blur.
    Well, not really. It’s been pixellated by my brain.

    You rock.

    • mooselicker says:

      Now that you mention Blur all I can think of is the English band by the same name. Then that makes me think of Starship Troopers where their hit “Song 2” played in the trailers.

      Did you ever see that movie? There’s a very interesting unisex shower seen. I think you see Jake Busey (son of Gary) naked from behind.

      • robpixaday says:

        “Starship Troopers?” No, haven’t seen it.
        Don’t know about Blur, but I’m doing a search right now for their music.
        Gary Busey had a kid? Wow.

        I think I might be a few decades behind, culturally-speaking…LOL

  8. BuddhaKat says:

    **looks around surreptitiously using sidelong glances***… “… and I think it’s kinda funny, I think it’s kinda sad, that the dreams in which (…) dying are the best I ever had….. mad world….. mad world…..”…. mwahahahaha…

    I hid your brane and I’m NOT telling where… 🙂

  9. I think I’ve been to a party with a lot of sitting and a lot of standing, too.

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