I have never been forced to watch a video about sexual harassment. I know what sexual harassment is. It’s when you tell someone who you like them and they don’t like you back. They say you’re harassing them sexually. I call it courting or taking a chance. You pick which side of the fence you fall on.

Like most adorable people, I have been sexually harassed. I’ve been grabbed, poked, rubbed, shuffled, placed into holes, scratched, groped, and flicked. My sexual harassers have come in many different shapes, sizes, and colors. I was afraid to react when it happened out of shock. But now that I know it wasn’t my fault for being so delicious it’s okay for me to talk about. Here are my stories of being sexually harassed–that I remember.

(Wanna take a trip to Six Flags? Expect these gentleman to leave with your wallet)

Location: Six Flags Great Adventures

Leaving out all of the times when I had buzz cuts and had strange women come up and rub my head (I think of 8 instances of this happening) I still receiving harassment of a sexual nature. The first one I remember happened at Six Flags Great Adventure. My memories of this theme park are lines, dehydration, lines for water, being cut in line, being cut with knives, large college girl breasts, and mysterious shoes hanging at the bottom of roller coasters wondering if the owner had to hop on one foot all the way home. I’ve been to that place quite a few times in my life. It was 25 minutes away from where I grew up. My dad could have just as easily put a hood over my head or knocked me out and said that it was somewhere much further away. I don’t think I ever got on more than 3 rides there at a time and at least half of them were closed for safety reasons.

I was waiting in line to get on the bumper cars. Yes, I’m at a huge theme park and I’m going on bumper cars. A carny ride. At least on that day I managed to convince myself to avoid that slide where you sit on a potato sack. So I’m in line and behind me are some Catholic boys. I’m not saying they’re Catholic because they kept pinching my ass. They were Catholic because they had the uniforms on. These boys had 3-4 years on me and decided to make my experience at an already horrific amusement park that much worse by pinching my butt. I couldn’t do anything about it. I was left there to fend for myself. Sometimes late at night I can still feel their 16-year-old thumb squeezing on my ass cheeks. I get scared again.

(Dorney Park has a hard-on for Snoopy. Scooby Doo too retro?)

Location: Dorney Park

Yet another experience happened to me at a theme park. This time it was Dorney Park, located in Pennsylvania. To be fair, this was probably karma. I had spent the day trying to knock off girl’s tops in the “Wet & Wild Water Kingdom” or whatever it is that they call it with hoses that shoot water. I was already pissed off that day because some black kid had shit in the wave pool so they had to close it down. How did I know it was a black kid? Every kid is black once they shit in a wave pool. Gross, I know. Things were about to get even worse.

I was walking to a roller coaster passed a group of teenagers. I was in middle school at the time, probably 14 years old. These teenagers were bigger and more adult. I knew this because their mommys and daddys let them wear ripped jeans. I walked by and felt a little bite on my butt. It felt like a bee had stung it. Then I heard laughing. I continued on and looked back. They were watching me walk away. Now I can’t be positive, but for some reason I remember a cute blonde being the one to pinch my butt. That’s the problem with butt harassment. We don’t have eyes in the back of our heads so the culprit can usually blame someone else if need be. This is one of those cases where it wasn’t really harassment. It was that sexy 18-year-old (I’m making her 18 for legal reasons) confessing her love for me. I probably should have gone over and talked to her, but like I said, she had ripped jeans. There was no telling what kind of damage she’d do to my shirt if she got her hands on it.

(Yes I work in a sweatshop. The hours are actually pretty good and it never gets too cold)

Location: Work

This one makes me feel like I can relate to the Women’s Liberation Movement. I was sexually harassed in the most fun place on earth, the office. I hadn’t been working long. I didn’t know who I could and could not trust yet. I learned fast that day who I could not count on.

I was filing, a task that they give retarded people with good balance. I was on a step-ladder so my ass was at about face level. One might argue that I was asking to have my ass smacked. I mean, it’s a great ass. You could throw a quarter at it and it would fall straight down. That might not sound so fantastic. Look at it this way, a fat ass would have the quarter get stuck in one of the rolls. That’s why my ass rules. Too much of a shoehorn rhyme there?

I turned around very carefully on my retard ladder to see a creepy black woman with blonde hair. Another natural blonde going after my ass? I must be a lucky boy! This woman had at least 50 years on me. She was and is not the kind of human being I want touching me or breathing on me. She had gross teeth. I hate gross teeth. How can you forget to brush your teeth? They’re right near your brain. That’s not far for the reminder information to travel.

(I’m trying to figure out the nationality of the cross-legged man near the barrel. I guess he’s white, the “cracker” because beside him is the barrel)

Location: Cracker Barrel

I didn’t used to mind Cracker Barrel restaurants. Now every time I enter one I have to be on my best guard. I walk, spinning in circles. I wear multiple layers of clothing. I’ve been scared into this.

I’m standing in the gift shop of the restaurant. If you’ve never been to one, there is a giant gift shop that you must walk through to get to your table. They sell lots of useless items that only a grandmother might want. Then they have Twilight Zone DVDs. I never thought they belonged near inspirational magnets or cherub figurines. I’m minding my own business waiting for a table when I feel two hands come on either side of me. Then the words “Goochy Goochy Goo” playfully being verbalized in synchronicity with the tickling that happened along my sides. I didn’t laugh. This wasn’t a good tickle. I turned around and was face to face with a boy about the same age as me. We were both 13-15 years old. A stare down began and then he said “Oops. I’m sorry.” and left. It was all a big misunderstanding. I had to forgive him, but now looking back at it for all I know he was a creepy midget. I hope not. I like to keep accurate records of every midget sighting I have. This would throw off my numbers.

Those are my sexual harassment stories. Well, the ones that involved actual touching. I’ve been sexually harassed thousands of times verbally. I think we all are. Someone probably felt sexually harassed reading this. For you, nice gams!

Please, feel free to share your stories of naughty fingers.

  1. E. He says:

    When I was in high school, we had an issue with a “cooch biter.” That’s what we called him, not that I ever knew who “him” was–it was in the local papers. As for moi, I am sexually harassed EVERY MORNING on my subway ride to work; so much rubbing and tickling I can’t handle it, but I bite my teeth and let it be. Sigh..such is life.

    • mooselicker says:

      I feel sorry for you girls. Us guys are such crazy animals. I make sure that whenever I sexually harass a woman it’s very subtle. Does touching a waitress’s hand while handing her a plate count as sexual harassment? That’s the closest I ever do. I’m a gentleman like that. Ladies, take note. Chivalry is well and alive in this boy.

  2. Lily says:

    Geeze you’re unlucky in the sexual harassment department. Unfortunately I have been harassed many a time, usually by homeless people, teachers, or just plain creeps. I love that you had an experience at the Cracker Barrel though. I used to love it there only because they sold beanie babies at one point.

    • mooselicker says:

      The best thing Cracker Barrel always has now is the toy ferret that chases the ball. I’m sure at one point they had Pokemon Cards, Crazy Bones, and Pogs. They try to be traditional, but really they’re sellouts capitalizing on new fads.

      I’m just happy to know that I clearly have a nice butt. 2 out of 7,000,0000,0000 people agree with me.

      • Lily says:

        Hahah that ferret always scares me. Now random mall kiosks have it just twirling around on showcase. You must have a nice butt. I’m slightly jealous. Okay, I’m only jealous.

  3. I don’t think you should go to theme parks anymore. :/

  4. Smart Guy says:

    I was sexually harassed the other night at a bar, but I didn’t really mind. This leads me to believe that sexual harassment is okay in certain situations, thoughts?

    • Lisa says:

      My thoughts…
      The word harassment implies that you don’t want that attention. If you don’t mind it then it’s probably just sexual minus the harassment. Sexual attention can be flattering, flirty and fun, especially when you least expect it. I think there’s an age cut off. When your young, it’s lusty when your old, it’s disgusting.

    • mooselicker says:

      I pretty much agree with Lisa. It’s kind of like how if an ugly person smiles at you a shiver runs down your spine. Then an attractive person does it the same and you blush. It’s pretty hard to sexually harass a guy and not have him like it.

      I’d still count it as harassment if you want to sue her anyway. It’s fun getting money out of other people’s pain.

  5. “How can you forget to brush your teeth? They’re right near your brain. That’s not far for the reminder information to travel.” That sound be Colgate’s new slogan

    • mooselicker says:

      You help me out with this and you get %5 of the profits. I’ll be the new Colgate Kid. I’ll be on posters and magazines just like the old Colgate Kid. Was there ever a Colgate Kid? Google is saying I made that up.

  6. Lisa says:

    I’m sorry. I have to weigh in on Cracker Barrel. When you’re on a road trip there’s no better place to stop. The gift shop is amazing, and by amazing I mean a random pile of crap. I like that they have retro food, like old fashion tootsie rolls, (my mind’s gone blank on other candy) tins of pretzels, Ritz potato chips, taffy, etc. Everything is in an old style wrapper which makes me wonder if it’s retro or if it’s been sitting there for the last 40 years? I always find something to buy regardless of how unnecessary it is. One time I bought a quilt? What was I thinking?
    I could see how a kid could get disoriented in there and grab you, either that, or he was an inbred country bumpkin. (Cracker Barrel seems to attract that type.)

    • mooselicker says:

      I guess it does have an audience and it’s clearly not young men. The food is good and that’s why I still go there with family sometimes.

      He probably was one of these country bumpkins. It doesn’t matter where the CBarrel is, somehow the hicks find it. Kind of freaky in a way.

  7. At age 14, I went to my first concert, Megadeth. My brother wanted to go and I made him drag me along, which I’m sure was his ideal concert-going experience. We were there with a couple of his friends and our cousins and I thought I was the coolest ever. I had on daisy dukes with eyelet lace sewed onto the bottom (it was 1994/5. I’m not sure if this excuses the fashion, though). I was right on that cusp of risque and most normies would just tell a girl of my age to put on some dang clothes; no one wants to see that much pre-pubescent body. Except this creepy dude verging on 40 decided to go for a butt-squeeze-plus. I was too young to know that I could do much more than the Stink Eye. I’m not sure if he learned his lesson. But I wouldn’t learn to wear appropriate clothing in public for many years after.

    • mooselicker says:

      I hope that somewhere, on some other blog, a man now pushing 55 tells the story differently. He says some 14 year old sexually harassed him by flaunting her body around in front of him while “A Tout Le Monde” played. He feels like the victim in all of this!

      I’m sure he never did learn his lesson. Rarely men ever do.

  8. I don’t think I have ever been sexually harassed. Maybe it’s because I usually get too drunk when I go out or because I have a skinhead.

    Ladies, get a skinhead if you want to be safe.

    • mooselicker says:

      You also need to stop getting tattoos that would have been popular in 1940s Germany. They can handle the no-hair thing, but the “windmill” tattoo confirms you’re a dangerous man.

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