Lowered Ears

Posted: December 3, 2011 in Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , , , , ,

Recently I had my ears lowered. This wasn’t some serious plastic surgery that I had to endure, no. It’s slang for getting a haircut. Don’t feel silly if you didn’t know that. Only people born in the 1930’s and fans of the television show Doug have ever used it.

It had been over a year since my last haircut. I usually get one haircut a year. I try to synch it up with the same day I change my bed sheets every year. I don’t know why it is. Just one of those strange family traditions like wearing red on Christmas or killing your father when you turn 18.

My head has been very cold since removing a good half of my weight off my head. I probably should have done it earlier, like when it was hot out and I was always sweaty. Perhaps I’m going crazy. Is this the start of my EVOLUTION OF INSANITY!!! I own several hats so things haven’t been too bad. If my head gets too cold I could always rub it on the backs of strangers to warm it up. They’ll think I’m being cute like a kitten. Or weird like a psychopath.

I was in desperate need of a haircut. Even I’d admit that. But I don’t go to barber shops. No. Not since a woman with long forearm hairs gave me a buzz cut and asked me what kind of drugs I’ve experimented with. It felt like a poorly operated sting to bust a good boy who stays away from drugs. I remember my mom waiting in the car. I never asked her to do that. I think she was too embarrassed to be seen with me.

This haircut was different from the rest. This one was done by myself. Yep, all by my lonesome. Nobody helped. Not a single living human being. Well, I guess the makers of the razor helped. And Tmobile for providing a camera phone which helped me take pictures of the back of my head to make sure I didn’t miss a spot. I’m still not sure if I did miss a spot either. That’s something I’ll probably never know. Until a bully points it out to me by rudely tugging on it like Santa’s beard. I don’t know why a child would ever tug on a mall Santa’s beard. That still doesn’t mean that Santa isn’t real. Maybe Santa has a fake beard too. Or decided to shave. I shaved my head finally after a year. What’s to stop Santa from shaving his beard after 6,000 years? (That’s how old archeologists believe Santa to be, approximately)

I’m proud of myself for being able to cut my own hair. It’s liberating. I like to think of it almost as a passage into adulthood. I’m no longer restrained to paying $10 to some vocational school student to make me look handsome. I am my own handsome maker. I don’t need any of my old barbers anymore. Not the girl with the long forearm hair. Not the guy who tried to sell me raffle tickets for a bike despite me not knowing how to ride a bike. Not the guy whose first name was Scott or his last name was Wolf. I can’t remember which was true. I do remember thinking that he might have been actor Scott Wolf, down on his luck.

I’ve lost some appreciation now for barbers. Sure, hair stylists have some talent. They’re artists for hair. I appreciate good art. I appreciate good hair. That’s why I have no beef with hairstyles who can do more than shave a head. To my credit, my hair was so long that I had to randomly cut patches out of it before the shaving. More points for me. I am better than you barbers. You are no longer needed in my life. You too women named Barbara. You’re just as useless to me now. And just to finish off with people I have no use for now, people with the last name Barbera. I only know two, cartoonist Hanna and elementary school friend of mine Michael. I’m tired of Yogi Bear and I’m even more tired of memories of friends I haven’t spoken to since 1997. I wonder what he’s doing right now. Hopefully Googling himself and then reaching this site. That would be kind of creepy. Maybe a potential boss of yours is reading this right now. Here, how about I ruin the chance at the job.

3 Reasons Not to Hire Michael Barbera:

1) He had a dog named Baron. Do you know who else had something named Baron? The Nazis! They had the Red Baron, a dog fighting pilot. See how this all connects here?

2) He liked a girl because she could throw a good spiral with a football. That’s shallow and kind of weird. You don’t want someone like that working for you do you?

3) He once hid nunchucks in his father’s tool drawer and blamed it on his brother Chris. His mother yelled at him “Michael, don’t be fresh!” and he admitted his guilt. Do you want someone who doesn’t stand their ground working for your company? A man who admits to lies? Did not think so.

That’s what you get for not keeping in touch asshole.

  1. I’ve let three people cut my hair. At once. They created a disaster only 2″ long, so it took forever to grow into something that could be fixed. I’ve also cut my own hair a couple of times. It involved half bangs and hair gel. Now I pay someone. With wine.

    My Hubs hasn’t gone to a barber in the 10 years we’ve been together. I forced him to sit in a chair and let me cut off his long, curly college hair. Now I’m a pro at curly haircuts and many of his friends demand fancy do’s, like a curly mohawk and the millennium mullet. I by pro, I mean, they don’t complain because I’m free. Why don’t they pay me in wine, too?

    • mooselicker says:

      Your husband sounds to have hair like me. It curls on the sides, but is thick in the back. I did the mohawk thing the last few haircuts which is impossible to do on your own. I have to be careful with who I trust with my hair. One barber shaved the center and made me look like George Jefferson.

      I’ve never heard of anyone paying for something in wine. I’ve heard hair and handshakes. Never hair. I almost feel tempted to do you a favor.

      • He gave you an opposite mohawk? That’s just ridiculous. And I’d also accept payment in the form of Belgian beers.

      • mooselicker says:

        I’ll ask blogger “No Blog Intended” to help me out with that. She’s Belgian. I never knew they made great beers.

        My problem with him was mostly that he spun me around to his friend and said “Hey look, George Jefferson.” I hope he’s dead.

      • Here’s the trick about Belgian/German beers: I like whits/wheats. They’re not so hoppy. And, such as the Hoegaarden, Blanche de bruxelles; Hefeweizen, Paulaner, Franziskaner, and especially Schneider Weisse. They’re fancy and expensive. I’ll take more suggestions along this route as well.

        And that’s certainly a big enough of a jerkstore move to accrue a future death by one’s own clippers.

  2. Lily says:

    Doug is one of the best shows of all time. Cutting your own hair is an amazing feat! I’ve gained so much respect.

  3. Lisa says:

    I was JUST about to hire Michael. Thanks for the warning. That was a close call.

  4. Emily He says:

    I got my ears lowered an hour ago….just a trim. And then the man barber (he calls himself Wendy) put up my hair like the Olympic “Bird’s Nest” in Beijing. Now I look more Asian than ever. I’m assimilating!!!!

    Why don’t you post that tmobile picture of the back of your head? Too embarrassed? I understand.

    • mooselicker says:

      My head looks incredibly fat and round in those pictures. Plus when I grow my hair out I tend to get bad dandruff. Bad dandruff leads to random red blotches on my head. You’d think Mars was in my bathroom.

      I finally got batteries for my digital camera. I expect to put up actual pictures from my life soon as opposed to ones from Google or my secret stash.

  5. Paying people to shorten your hair is in fact pretty weird. Doing it yourself makes much more sense. So, you have a shaved head now too? I feel like a hype is started.

    • mooselicker says:

      I always thought that too. It’s like they’re taking something away from you and yet you pay them? Or having a tumor removed. It’s like, that was mine. Why do I have to pay you and you get to keep it?

  6. You aren’t a man until you have a shaved head. You aren’t a REAL man until you do it yourself.

    I shave my head every fortnight. With cordless clippers. And my surname isn’t Barbera either.

    • mooselicker says:

      The Jews have it wrong. They think becoming a man involves memorization and learning a new language. You and myself know what makes a real man.

      CUE UP: “Now You’re A Man” by DVDA or visit thewillpower.org to hear it play while a man performs oral sex on himself

  7. You didn’t know about Belgian beers? What are you – a wine drinker? Okay, I will send you a list of beers you have to try. Because I know all about it. *cough*

  8. Pete Howorth says:

    Woo thanks for the mention! 😀 I was wondering how you’d work my the title of my blog into one of your posts and you did it well!

    I have hair like a microphone, I mean seriously, it doesn’t grow forward or backwards or curls, it just grows upwards and outwards until it gets too long then I end up with a sort of curtain/parting effect. Doesn’t look good, I did used to have the back and sides shaved then spike my short hair which looked pretty sweet but it takes a while to do when you’re rushing for work every morning, plus now I have a three inch scar on my head it doesnt grow right in one section anymore 😦

    My brother shaves his own head, which is cool as he doesnt have eyes on the back of his skull, I get him to shave mine mostly now as to avoid the “Why is your head dinted?” question I get most of the time I’m at the hair dressers, “Because I fractured my skull when I was younger!” then I have to go into the story of how I did it.

    I’d almost certainly get “Why is your head dinted” AND “Why do you have a three inch scar” now and that’s just too much conversation to have with some dizzy bint.

    I only like one hair dresser, Debbie, she is HAWT and she shaves my beard, but she’s usually always cutting someone elses where whenever I go 😦 so I don’t chance the £8 of finding out anymore.

    • mooselicker says:

      I used to love getting a cute girl to snip my hair away. I don’t think I knew what semen was the last time it happened so I would have no idea what it is that I’m supposed to throw in her face if given the opportunity.

      Debbie’s are always hot for some reason too. Not Deborah, but Debbie. That’s always the first name I think of when I think of a slutty blonde showing off a lot of thigh and cleavage.

  9. Rob says:

    I thought I was the only one that associated Michael Barbera with Hanna Barbera. Also, Shelly ‘The Anvil’ Neidhart’s dog was named Baron.

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