Facebook Tricks

Posted: December 4, 2011 in Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , , , , ,

Anyone with a Facebook account and stupid friends on there have noticed that there has been a recent cavalcade of viruses being posted. The best thing about these viruses, they involve naked people. The worst part about these viruses, they’re fucking viruses!

(Cyrus the Virus, the only kind I like)

The way you get these viruses is by clicking on the pictures of naked people. So anyone who “posts” one of these is a pervert who clicked on the picture. Sometimes they try to fool you into thinking some cute girl got a new piercing. I like these. They make me feel special. She says she has a new piercing somewhere, but that she can’t post it on Facebook. I have click on a link to see it. The weird thing about these are usually gross fat guys post them. Gross fat guys are the only ones who fall for this gag. I know that with my luck no girl would ever target me with such amazing photos. Maybe ADAMS DAUGHTER!!! but we used to date in the early 80’s. For those interested, we met at a Judas Priest concert. Her father whose name is apparently Adam didn’t like me much so we had to end it.  

I would never fall for one of these tricks. Only one girl ever did send me naked pictures of her. I fell in love instantly. Then I showed them to my friends to brag that someone was drunk enough to do such a sweet thing for me. She fell in love with a YouTube sensation (more on her in a future blog if I’m sure) and we haven’t spoken since we got Popeyes Chicken together 4 years ago. Maybe because I took her to Popeyes Chicken. She took me to White Castle. I figured it made us even.

I remember the first time I fell for a virus. Somebody with “snowplow” in their screen name sent me an e-mail with a file that said it was “so funny.” I like funny. Funny makes me laugh! I opened it and nothing happened. Then someone told me that I had sent them a virus. Ahhh! How could I be so stupid? Everyone knows that a person that would put “snowplow” in their screen name is a scumbag. I’m pretty sure he fell for the trick too and wasn’t a mean person. I told him and he signed offline immediately. Perhaps a snow storm broke out and he had to get to work. Who knows? July has strange weather patterns.

I’ve pretty much mastered not getting computer viruses. It’s taken a couple of shots at it. Usually it’s stupid things I’m looking at that give me the viruses. I swear, it’s never been porn. One time I was trying to find a link to watch a WWE Pay Per View online. Then my computer started acting funny. And warnings came up. I was scared so I turned off my computer and had someone else fix my problem. That’s what I love about people. They bail me out when electronics attack. The only other viruses I remember getting came from looking up song lyrics. Those virus makers know how to prey on idiots. Only an idiot would look up the full lyrics to Monster Mash. They had me hook, line, and sinker. I managed to clean off my computer from that virus just fine by not using it and hoping nobody noticed. I never heard anything about it so I think the law of statute of limitations is up and I can now discuss this.

The scariest one I ever got came from out of nowhere. I shouldn’t say that exactly. I honestly don’t remember where it came from. Maybe it was an online game that I played where I had to download files from strangers. I thought that was another time. Shit, I need to stay away from the Internet. This one virus in particular began to download pornography onto my computer. Now that’s scary. Having a link to gay porn on your computer 5 minutes before your big date? I know I’ve seen episodes of TV shows where someone gets a pimple before a big date. That doesn’t compare to this. How do I explain the random icon of a naked man handcuffing another naked man to the girl of my dreams? And why am I taking her on a date to my computer screen? Maybe this is why I’ve been so lonely most of my life.

(I might be lonely a lot of the time, but at least now I have time to read my books)

I wiped my hard drive (had someone else do it for me, that’s what he called it) and my computer was good again. I’ve been pretty good with viruses ever since. I’m careful about what websites I go to. The scary thing about this new generation of viruses is that they’re really tricky. They try to fool you into thinking you have to buy software to have them removed. It’s pretty shitty to think that there are other people out there that thing this is a cool thing to do. I hate seeing anyone be taken advantage of and this is the ultimate example. Preying on the innocent goes against everything we stand for. Identity thieves are so scummy. I hate them more than anyone else. Our identities are all we have and when you take that you’ve basically killed that person. I know, too extreme. But it’s annoying that there are thieves who steal from other middle class individuals. If you’re going to steal, target big business. It’s more American.

(“Steal from Pizza Hut, not your local Ma & Pa pizzeria” – George Washington, 1997)

One point I really wanted to make about these Facebook viruses and the naked photos is about the people in these photos. Who are they? I really want to know. They are regular sluts who may have made a mistake and took a picture of themselves topless and now they’re all over Facebook doing it. The odds are stacked up to say that at least one person that she knows ends up getting this virus posted on their page. And since they know her, they think that she finally is admitting her love for them. They click on the virus and get it. All because she was a slut one night. Don’t be a slut. It breaks computers.

I’d like to one day meet one of these virus sluts. They don’t have to be naked. They can wear a couple of coats and a bonnet for all I care. I want to know their story. It’s a story that needs to be told from their point of view. How their identity is now associated with whorish ways and spam comments. I’ll write a book about this. Then realize it is only a five-page story. Then I’ll turn it into a pamphlet. Hand it out at the mall and get arrested. All of this because you’re stupid and fell for that online virus. I mean really, are you still that stupid?

Comments
  1. robpixaday says:

    Accccck!!!!
    Facebook ::shivers::

    Nekked viruses?

    I’m so glad that I don’t use FB.

    I think you should do that pamphlet right away and put it in a video. Let it whoooooosh around the interwebs and go ::shivers:: viral. Maybe you could have a couple of naked folks read it out loud, like those audiobooks? But on video.

    • mooselicker says:

      I like the way you think. Naked people are always good. It bothers me that these nerdy hackers are using them against us. The only time a naked person should give us a virus is if we’re with them in person and don’t take the proper precautions. Our computers shouldn’t slow down, our crotches should only itch more.

  2. Lisa says:

    Just reading this made my blood boil. I hate those kind of unnecessary issues creeping into my life. Isn’t life hard enough without someone sending you a virus or stealing your identity?
    There’s some travel company that always hijacks my fax machine and sends me offers, etc. They waste my paper and ink. Do they really think I’m going to give them my business after pulling that kind of stunt? Talk about stupid!

    • mooselicker says:

      I read something on Yahoo that there’s a new virus out there that can actually melt your printer or make it explode. Why can’t we get it to do this to brain tumors or something like that? Our energy seems to be in all the wrong places.

  3. I thought we agreed to never share those naked photos of me as a fetus!!! I feel betrayed. Thanks for the shout out though 🙂

    No naked sluts/virus jokes?

  4. Pete Howorth says:

    I see stuff like that all the time, I don’t click on them though, that’s what PornHub is for.

    Just makes me wonder why people feel a need to create virus’ in the first place, imagine how awesome the internet would be if those people didn’t exist?

    • mooselicker says:

      It would be great. Computer viruses scare me so much. More than viruses that my body can catch. At least with an arm infection I can always cut it off. I can’t cut off desktop. That’s impossible.

  5. Perfect post title. And I like the idea discussed above about an audio-pamphlet about viruses from naked girl pictures. There are just so many levels.

  6. If you want an awesome Facebook virus click here.

    I used to work with someone who collected viruses, he had a folder on a hard drive chock full of them. I don’t know if he is still alive.

  7. Bothered says:

    Loved the post. I see a lot of myself in your writing. Sorry, I didn’t mean to insult you. I bought a new virus protection program called, ” Naked nice, but bad to push.” Whenever I reach for the mouse to a hit a naked picture, a photo of my mom in lingerie pops up. It works every time.

    I liked this part; it is classic—-“Having a link to gay porn on your computer 5 minutes before your big date? I know I’ve seen episodes of TV shows where someone gets a pimple before a big date. That doesn’t compare to this. How do I explain the random icon of a naked man handcuffing another naked man to the girl of my dreams? And why am I taking her on a date to my computer screen? Maybe this is why I’ve been so lonely most of my life.”

    • Pete Howorth says:

      And where would one purchase “Naked nice, But Bad To Push”?…

    • mooselicker says:

      That ain’t a bad virus detection software. I know I’d be scared off electronics permanently if I had it though.

      And thanks for the compliments! I try my best not to model myself too much after you. I tend to do that a lot. I’m really not original, just a bunch of influences put into one. I think though we’re both neurotic and silent watchers. That’s why we’re so observant.

  8. renxkyoko says:

    Hello, Mooselicker !

    Check me out ! I just nominated you for Versatile Blogger Award !

    Cheers ! ! !

  9. I once got an email saying that my friend had found a picture of me online, which she liked. Naive me clicks on the link, fills in her password and gets nothing. Luckily I didn’t seem to ruin the computer or anything, but it still scares me a bit.

    • mooselicker says:

      That’s a relief. I always wonder how many of these viruses are run by computers and how much are run by nerds in their underwear. Or computers in their underwear. Hey, it can happen.

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