Anyone with a Facebook account and stupid friends on there have noticed that there has been a recent cavalcade of viruses being posted. The best thing about these viruses, they involve naked people. The worst part about these viruses, they’re fucking viruses!
(Cyrus the Virus, the only kind I like)
The way you get these viruses is by clicking on the pictures of naked people. So anyone who “posts” one of these is a pervert who clicked on the picture. Sometimes they try to fool you into thinking some cute girl got a new piercing. I like these. They make me feel special. She says she has a new piercing somewhere, but that she can’t post it on Facebook. I have click on a link to see it. The weird thing about these are usually gross fat guys post them. Gross fat guys are the only ones who fall for this gag. I know that with my luck no girl would ever target me with such amazing photos. Maybe ADAMS DAUGHTER!!! but we used to date in the early 80’s. For those interested, we met at a Judas Priest concert. Her father whose name is apparently Adam didn’t like me much so we had to end it.
I would never fall for one of these tricks. Only one girl ever did send me naked pictures of her. I fell in love instantly. Then I showed them to my friends to brag that someone was drunk enough to do such a sweet thing for me. She fell in love with a YouTube sensation (more on her in a future blog if I’m sure) and we haven’t spoken since we got Popeyes Chicken together 4 years ago. Maybe because I took her to Popeyes Chicken. She took me to White Castle. I figured it made us even.
I remember the first time I fell for a virus. Somebody with “snowplow” in their screen name sent me an e-mail with a file that said it was “so funny.” I like funny. Funny makes me laugh! I opened it and nothing happened. Then someone told me that I had sent them a virus. Ahhh! How could I be so stupid? Everyone knows that a person that would put “snowplow” in their screen name is a scumbag. I’m pretty sure he fell for the trick too and wasn’t a mean person. I told him and he signed offline immediately. Perhaps a snow storm broke out and he had to get to work. Who knows? July has strange weather patterns.
I’ve pretty much mastered not getting computer viruses. It’s taken a couple of shots at it. Usually it’s stupid things I’m looking at that give me the viruses. I swear, it’s never been porn. One time I was trying to find a link to watch a WWE Pay Per View online. Then my computer started acting funny. And warnings came up. I was scared so I turned off my computer and had someone else fix my problem. That’s what I love about people. They bail me out when electronics attack. The only other viruses I remember getting came from looking up song lyrics. Those virus makers know how to prey on idiots. Only an idiot would look up the full lyrics to Monster Mash. They had me hook, line, and sinker. I managed to clean off my computer from that virus just fine by not using it and hoping nobody noticed. I never heard anything about it so I think the law of statute of limitations is up and I can now discuss this.
The scariest one I ever got came from out of nowhere. I shouldn’t say that exactly. I honestly don’t remember where it came from. Maybe it was an online game that I played where I had to download files from strangers. I thought that was another time. Shit, I need to stay away from the Internet. This one virus in particular began to download pornography onto my computer. Now that’s scary. Having a link to gay porn on your computer 5 minutes before your big date? I know I’ve seen episodes of TV shows where someone gets a pimple before a big date. That doesn’t compare to this. How do I explain the random icon of a naked man handcuffing another naked man to the girl of my dreams? And why am I taking her on a date to my computer screen? Maybe this is why I’ve been so lonely most of my life.
(I might be lonely a lot of the time, but at least now I have time to read my books)
I wiped my hard drive (had someone else do it for me, that’s what he called it) and my computer was good again. I’ve been pretty good with viruses ever since. I’m careful about what websites I go to. The scary thing about this new generation of viruses is that they’re really tricky. They try to fool you into thinking you have to buy software to have them removed. It’s pretty shitty to think that there are other people out there that thing this is a cool thing to do. I hate seeing anyone be taken advantage of and this is the ultimate example. Preying on the innocent goes against everything we stand for. Identity thieves are so scummy. I hate them more than anyone else. Our identities are all we have and when you take that you’ve basically killed that person. I know, too extreme. But it’s annoying that there are thieves who steal from other middle class individuals. If you’re going to steal, target big business. It’s more American.
(“Steal from Pizza Hut, not your local Ma & Pa pizzeria” – George Washington, 1997)
One point I really wanted to make about these Facebook viruses and the naked photos is about the people in these photos. Who are they? I really want to know. They are regular sluts who may have made a mistake and took a picture of themselves topless and now they’re all over Facebook doing it. The odds are stacked up to say that at least one person that she knows ends up getting this virus posted on their page. And since they know her, they think that she finally is admitting her love for them. They click on the virus and get it. All because she was a slut one night. Don’t be a slut. It breaks computers.
I’d like to one day meet one of these virus sluts. They don’t have to be naked. They can wear a couple of coats and a bonnet for all I care. I want to know their story. It’s a story that needs to be told from their point of view. How their identity is now associated with whorish ways and spam comments. I’ll write a book about this. Then realize it is only a five-page story. Then I’ll turn it into a pamphlet. Hand it out at the mall and get arrested. All of this because you’re stupid and fell for that online virus. I mean really, are you still that stupid?