Hess Trucks

Posted: December 5, 2011 in Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , , , , ,

It’s Holiday Season. Do you know what that means? If the title didn’t already give it away, it’s Hess Truck season. Hooray! The greatest toy ever. A truck that delivers gasoline. Truly a collectible that will be worth thousands in the future.

(Here’s to hoping as soon as that jet takes off it burns up the truck with its fuel then crashes itself into a Hess Truck factory)

I remember when I was a younger and less hairy boy. Every December meant that the television would be flooded with commercials for the latest edition of the Hess Truck. For those of you not familiar with what Hess might be, it’s a gas station. That’s it. You go there and fill up your car with petroleum. I don’t fill up my car. I live in New Jersey and we have Arabs who do it for us. They usually call me “buddy” or “boss” which makes me feel important. That must be such a foreign idea to you reading this. I have never had to pump my own fuel. It’s only like this in New Jersey and our sister state on the other side of the country Oregon. I’m not sure why it is this way but I like it. Still, why do all girls from New Jersey smell like gas? You chicks in Idaho have an excuse for smelling awful.

The worst thing about these Hess Truck advertisements is that they really hype it up like kids want these toys. No! No kid wants a Hess Truck. Kids want footballs and wooden horses that rock. Not a truck that delivers Texas Tea (shouldn’t it be called Saudi Arabian Tea now?). Someone gave me a Hess Truck years ago. I think I still have it. I bought into the myth that other people would buy it from me for thousands of dollars years later. I couldn’t have been more wrong.

For a while there was a Hess Truck that had a spaceship attached to it. With everybody “going green” they had to ban that vehicle. Spaceships take a lot of gasoline to move. I don’t know the exact number because science upsets my brain, but I’d imagine it’s somewhere in the bazillions. It sends a mixed message too having a rocket ship attached to a truck. It makes children think that this is normal. Reality check, it isn’t. I don’t know who Hess thinks they’re fooling. Not me.

Being a semi-expert of Nazi Germany, I am reminded of the fact that one of Adolf Hitler’s top officials was named Rudolph Hess. Do Hess Trucks promote Nazism? I say of course.

When you go out Christmas shopping this year, be sure to skip over getting a Hess Truck for someone who isn’t your enemy. It’s a bad gift. A toy fire engine, police car, or ice truck are much more fun for a boy on Christmas morning. Don’t buy into the hype. For Christmas this year, make sure the Hess Truck is nowhere near.

  1. Rob says:

    Grandmother has gotten me a Hess Truck every year since I was born. Two actually, because I always ruined one and the other was to keep in the box.

    My favorite was the Hess Cop Car which was twice as big as the Hess Space Shuttle. Making things to scale isn’t Hess’s strong point.

  2. Lisa says:

    I can’t think of a more boring toy to receive on Christmas. I always felt the same way about match box cars. (any automobile, including trucks, etc.) Their existence use to make me happy I was a girl. I don’t think there is an equivalent toy for girl’s that is quite so deadly boring…?

    • I was always so jealous when my brother got a yo-yo or legos and I got ANOTHER DOLL. I had so many dolls I didn’t know what to do with them. And they were all different sizes so they were giants talking to little people. I would say that match box cars were kind of the same thing. Getting a dillion of the same thing. But at least they could be on the same race track. Not all of my dolls could fit into my brother’s Castle Greyskull – which was a Barbie spa when he wasn’t around. What else was I going to do with all the damn dolls?

      • mooselicker says:

        You could pretend the big ones had giganticism or the small ones were pigmees from an African tribe. Have them go on tour in one of your brother’s trucks traveling the country like a freak show.

    • mooselicker says:

      You’re right. Barbie always had a lot of accessories and cars you could buy. What would go with a Hess Truck, a new Hess engine? Sounds like this is all a ploy to get kids to grow up to pump gas for a living humming their theme song.

  3. The fact it has a shuttle on it makes it look more interesting than it is. I am pretty sure I have seen them here in the UK but I don’t remember any adverts about it.

    If it was sold in Scotland it would more evidence of Scottish Nazi sympathy.

    • mooselicker says:

      I never heard that the Scottish were the Nazis of the UK. It makes little sense. Nazis dress so nicely. Scottish wear plaid skirts. A real Nazi would never show off his knees in public.

  4. breezyk says:

    I know this has very little to do with HESS trucks per se- but it did make me think of this youtube video I saw yesterday. Enjoy:

  5. I have a grown cousin that gets two or three of those damn things every year, and then explains to me how valuable they will be someday when I point out the absurdity of his purchases.

    Sadly, he has not seemed to discover the internet or google – thats the only reason that I can imagine in which he could not realize how absolutely worthless those things are!

    Great post!

    • mooselicker says:


      The 90s were big into the “this will be worth something someday” mentality. Beanie Babies, Furbies, Starting Lineup Action Figures, Pokemon Cards, all of these things were thought to be so valuable someday, especially if they are unused. Yeah, I’m sure an unopened Tickle Me Elmo will be very valuable during the Apocalypse. You’ll be using your last batteries to tickle a doll when you don’t even have a flashlight to see the mutants coming to get you.

  6. I actually want a Hess truck now. :/ No, I am not a Nazi sympathizer, but I feel left out of this horrible tradition.

    P.S. I have to pump my own gas…and guess what? I am all the better for it. (I don’t know how, but thought that would be a cool thing to say.) :/

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