It’s Holiday Season. Do you know what that means? If the title didn’t already give it away, it’s Hess Truck season. Hooray! The greatest toy ever. A truck that delivers gasoline. Truly a collectible that will be worth thousands in the future.
(Here’s to hoping as soon as that jet takes off it burns up the truck with its fuel then crashes itself into a Hess Truck factory)
I remember when I was a younger and less hairy boy. Every December meant that the television would be flooded with commercials for the latest edition of the Hess Truck. For those of you not familiar with what Hess might be, it’s a gas station. That’s it. You go there and fill up your car with petroleum. I don’t fill up my car. I live in New Jersey and we have Arabs who do it for us. They usually call me “buddy” or “boss” which makes me feel important. That must be such a foreign idea to you reading this. I have never had to pump my own fuel. It’s only like this in New Jersey and our sister state on the other side of the country Oregon. I’m not sure why it is this way but I like it. Still, why do all girls from New Jersey smell like gas? You chicks in Idaho have an excuse for smelling awful.
The worst thing about these Hess Truck advertisements is that they really hype it up like kids want these toys. No! No kid wants a Hess Truck. Kids want footballs and wooden horses that rock. Not a truck that delivers Texas Tea (shouldn’t it be called Saudi Arabian Tea now?). Someone gave me a Hess Truck years ago. I think I still have it. I bought into the myth that other people would buy it from me for thousands of dollars years later. I couldn’t have been more wrong.
For a while there was a Hess Truck that had a spaceship attached to it. With everybody “going green” they had to ban that vehicle. Spaceships take a lot of gasoline to move. I don’t know the exact number because science upsets my brain, but I’d imagine it’s somewhere in the bazillions. It sends a mixed message too having a rocket ship attached to a truck. It makes children think that this is normal. Reality check, it isn’t. I don’t know who Hess thinks they’re fooling. Not me.
Being a semi-expert of Nazi Germany, I am reminded of the fact that one of Adolf Hitler’s top officials was named Rudolph Hess. Do Hess Trucks promote Nazism? I say of course.
When you go out Christmas shopping this year, be sure to skip over getting a Hess Truck for someone who isn’t your enemy. It’s a bad gift. A toy fire engine, police car, or ice truck are much more fun for a boy on Christmas morning. Don’t buy into the hype. For Christmas this year, make sure the Hess Truck is nowhere near.