Like any weak-minded, self-loathing, psychopath, I enjoy compliments. I like them so much that I can name each one anybody has ever given me. I have more fingers than compliments I have received so, it’s not that hard. I’m kidding of course. I am constantly being told how proportional of a face I have.
Compliments are a strange thing. We’re told to compliment strangers, but sometimes that goes too far. Telling a girl that she has “a nice ass” isn’t appropriate in our civilized world. I don’t understand why. There is nothing negative about it. A nice ass has nothing negative about it. It isn’t even sexual, unless you get offended by it. If a guy tells you that you have a nice ass and it offends you, that means that you are the pervert thinking that it means he wants to do something to your butt. Maybe he does, maybe he doesn’t. What I know for sure is that you are a pervert who does not know how to take a compliment.
I rarely give compliments to strangers. Except when I don’t really mean them. Hey ROBOTIC RHETORIC!!! nice sleeves! I’ll tell someone with ugly shoes that I like their shoes because God-damn-it I like to make people smile. Sue me for saying K-Swiss sneakers look snazzy. The only time you should compliment a stranger is when you want to talk to them. It’s the perfect beginning of a conversation. You not only paid homage to them, but you also are talking about their favorite topic, themselves. But be warned. This does not work with women. In fact, it has the reverse effect more often than not.
How do you compliment a woman? I’m not really sure about that one yet. Every time I have complimented a girl, she has smiled and said thanks then left my life forever. Fuck. That’s not how that works. She’s supposed to thank me and then we get married and have a dozen children. I turn her into a Duggar. Please someone, mail that family some condoms. Their show should be called “We Fuck: A Lot!” or “Mr. Duggar & The Giant Vagina.” I envy Mr. Duggar. I’m sure he complimented his big twatted wife and that’s how they came to be two people who need to stop fucking and need to start being able to relate to modern times. Very jealous of their way of life.
(All good things in moderation. This is not moderation. That means this is bad)
I’m sure the first compliment I ever received was that I was a cute baby. The last compliment that I got was that I stuffed envelopes quickly at work. I think that’s got to be on some evolutionary chart of how horrible life becomes the more upright you walk. You go from being an adorable chubby cheeked cherub into a man whose greatest accomplishment of the day was finding a shortcut at a tedious task. I’m starting to understand why it is that people commit suicide.
Complimenting a woman is still a completely foreign thing for me to be able to do. I’ve done it, I still do, and it never yields the results that I hope for. It goes without saying, but you should never tell a girl you have hopes in seeing ever again that you think she’s pretty. Wow is that a stupid thing to say. Unless she’s crying already, don’t say it. It’s a death sentence. It’s okay if it’s happened to you. I’ve been through that hell numerous times. It feels so polite to tell a pretty girl just how gorgeous she is. But it’s like paying a soldier of fortune the full price before they assassinate who it is you want them to. Everybody knows you pay them half before and half after the job is done. The same goes with complimenting a woman. You let them think you think they’re pretty and then when you have them in your grasp that’s when you can finally reveal that you’re smitten with their face.
I would never tell you not to compliment others as much as possible (unless you read the above paragraph). Deep down in my heart, it feels right to be nice to others and let them know that they’re worth something. It’s our stubbornness and desire for the best that makes compliments seem weak. Nobody wants to date the person that always praise them. Maybe for a little bit, but after a while “Yes Men” get dull. There’s no real happy medium to it and I’m sorry because if you’re that lost with how to handle compliments you might be smacking your head against the wall right now.
Receiving a compliment is something that makes my day worth living. Being told I’m funny, smart, handsome, charming, brilliant, a stud, beautiful, original, one-of-a-kind, or a million more things that I tell girls others think I am is great. It doesn’t matter what the compliment is. Backhanded, front handed, side handed, as long as hands are involved it’s a good thing. Give me praise, opportunity, and sex. They’re my food, water, and shelter. I can eat up a compliment, drink down a great opportunity, and hide my penis inside of you. Okay, that last one wasn’t so poetic, but I can do it anyway if you’d let me because you’re so damn pretty. It’s okay to blush now.
“Hey Handsome!” – Every woman looking for money from me