Posted: December 6, 2011 in Uncategorized
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Like any weak-minded, self-loathing, psychopath, I enjoy compliments. I like them so much that I can name each one anybody has ever given me. I have more fingers than compliments I have received so, it’s not that hard. I’m kidding of course. I am constantly being told how proportional of a face I have.

Compliments are a strange thing. We’re told to compliment strangers, but sometimes that goes too far. Telling a girl that she has “a nice ass” isn’t appropriate in our civilized world. I don’t understand why. There is nothing negative about it. A nice ass has nothing negative about it. It isn’t even sexual, unless you get offended by it. If a guy tells you that you have a nice ass and it offends you, that means that you are the pervert thinking that it means he wants to do something to your butt. Maybe he does, maybe he doesn’t. What I know for sure is that you are a pervert who does not know how to take a compliment.

I rarely give compliments to strangers. Except when I don’t really mean them. Hey ROBOTIC RHETORIC!!! nice sleeves! I’ll tell someone with ugly shoes that I like their shoes because God-damn-it I like to make people smile. Sue me for saying K-Swiss sneakers look snazzy. The only time you should compliment a stranger is when you want to talk to them. It’s the perfect beginning of a conversation. You not only paid homage to them, but you also are talking about their favorite topic, themselves. But be warned. This does not work with women. In fact, it has the reverse effect more often than not.

How do you compliment a woman? I’m not really sure about that one yet. Every time I have complimented a girl, she has smiled and said thanks then left my life forever. Fuck. That’s not how that works. She’s supposed to thank me and then we get married and have a dozen children. I turn her into a Duggar. Please someone, mail that family some condoms. Their show should be called “We Fuck: A Lot!” or “Mr. Duggar & The Giant Vagina.” I envy Mr. Duggar. I’m sure he complimented his big twatted wife and that’s how they came to be two people who need to stop fucking and need to start being able to relate to modern times. Very jealous of their way of life.

(All good things in moderation. This is not moderation. That means this is bad)

I’m sure the first compliment I ever received was that I was a cute baby. The last compliment that I got was that I stuffed envelopes quickly at work. I think that’s got to be on some evolutionary chart of how horrible life becomes the more upright you walk. You go from being an adorable chubby cheeked cherub into a man whose greatest accomplishment of the day was finding a shortcut at a tedious task. I’m starting to understand why it is that people commit suicide.

Complimenting a woman is still a completely foreign thing for me to be able to do. I’ve done it, I still do, and it never yields the results that I hope for. It goes without saying, but you should never tell a girl you have hopes in seeing ever again that you think she’s pretty. Wow is that a stupid thing to say. Unless she’s crying already, don’t say it. It’s a death sentence. It’s okay if it’s happened to you. I’ve been through that hell numerous times. It feels so polite to tell a pretty girl just how gorgeous she is. But it’s like paying a soldier of fortune the full price before they assassinate who it is you want them to. Everybody knows you pay them half before and half after the job is done. The same goes with complimenting a woman. You let them think you think they’re pretty and then when you have them in your grasp that’s when you can finally reveal that you’re smitten with their face.

I would never tell you not to compliment others as much as possible (unless you read the above paragraph). Deep down in my heart, it feels right to be nice to others and let them know that they’re worth something. It’s our stubbornness and desire for the best that makes compliments seem weak. Nobody wants to date the person that always praise them. Maybe for a little bit, but after a while “Yes Men” get dull. There’s no real happy medium to it and I’m sorry because if you’re that lost with how to handle compliments you might be smacking your head against the wall right now.

Receiving a compliment is something that makes my day worth living. Being told I’m funny, smart, handsome, charming, brilliant, a stud, beautiful, original, one-of-a-kind, or a million more things that I tell girls others think I am is great. It doesn’t matter what the compliment is. Backhanded, front handed, side handed, as long as hands are involved it’s a good thing. Give me praise, opportunity, and sex. They’re my food, water, and shelter. I can eat up a compliment, drink down a great opportunity, and hide my penis inside of you. Okay, that last one wasn’t so poetic, but I can do it anyway if you’d let me because you’re so damn pretty. It’s okay to blush now.

“Hey Handsome!” – Every woman looking for money from me

  1. Lily says:

    Being complimented is always a treat, I will give you that. But you shouldn’t compliment people just to make them happy. Especially if its something like, “I like your shoes” when you really think they are totally fugly. It’s better to be sincere, no? Also, one of the first times I was out with my now-husband, he told me I was beautiful and I instantly fell in love. Maybe I am one of those rare girls. The instant anyone shows interest, I am in love. Vain? Possibly. A lover of those who love me? Definitely.

    • mooselicker says:

      You probably find your handsome very dashing. He gets away with calling you beautiful because of your attraction to him. Maybe the problem is I find really mean girls pretty.

      I only compliment strangers on things that are not good about them so that they continue to wear their awful boots. Then they get embarrassed later on by a friend. I don’t like strangers. I’m mean like the girls I find pretty.

  2. Jason says:

    Like you, I love getting compliments. Unfortunately, I have no idea how to react when someone says something nice to me. That might explain why I stopped getting compliments.

  3. joelyroely says:

    I like this post. Same as Jason, I have no idea how to accept a compliment. When my boyfriend compliments me I used to knock them back but then I thought “who am I to tell him what he thinks of me is wrong?” So now I just say “I know :P”
    Keep complimenting girls but only if you mean it. One day you’ll compliment the right girl! Woot woot!

    • mooselicker says:

      The big shock is when someone compliments you on something for the first time. People who always hear how beautiful they are don’t like those compliments. They actually believe it themselves and don’t need hunchbacked creeps like me smiling at them saying how much like a sunset they look.

      I try to say “I know” too when complimented. It makes me believe it, sound confident, and feel like Han Solo.

  4. Lisa says:

    Okay. This is what you need to know. Girl’s respond to a combination of vulnerability, sense of humor, intellect, sincerity, and confidence. They’re looking for integrity, someone who is genuine. (Yes, you can be vulnerable and confident at the same time.) I believe that you, Moose, think too much (self protection to guard against getting hurt) and in the process you lose both the vulnerability (which I know you have in spades) and the sincerity.

    Bottom line, just be yourself and speak from your heart. Don’t second guess yourself. Say what you mean and mean what you say. You would have a killer combo if you would follow your heart. No girl can resist that.

    • mooselicker says:

      Good advice. I’m pretty sure I have a split personality disorder. I think one thing and do another. Or I think one thing and do it then regret it immediately after. Maybe that’s not split personality disorder. Maybe it’s just being indecisive and unsure of myself which I try to trick myself into being sure of myself. If I seem sure, other people believe that I know what I’m talking about.

      -Me thinking way too much into this proving your point

  5. Lisa says:

    And the Dugger stuff was super funny! (crude language aside) Glad someone said what everyone is thinking!

  6. Adair says:

    Lisa and Lily from Canada are both right. Women know when it’s a BS compliment. I remember once long ago, a man came over to me and said I had great legs. I do, so, I smiled. He then said I had a great smile. I do, so, again, props to him. THEN, he said, you have great hair. Really? Buster, I know I have the. worst. hair. in the world. Seriously, I’ve seen hairdressers burst into tears when they realize I am their new client. With that lie, I lost interest. Be confident. Be smart. Be funny. Be sensitive. Put the toilet seat down. These things will work, and, except for the toilet seat thing, I can see you already have the other things going, so, believe in yourself!

    PS Duggar stuff?? Made me laugh while I was drinking tea. Hot, right? I personally think Michelle has a zipper in be womb.

    PPS. I put you on my Blog roll. Is that okay?

    • mooselicker says:

      Thank you, thanks for the input, thank you again, and yes no problem; I think in that order.

      To be fair, the last time I even remember complimenting a stranger was in an Australian accent. I told her I liked her purse. I screamed it from across the road. It was just a strange outburst, an impulse I had at the time. I don’t know what qualifies as a nice purse. She didn’t respond either. Probably because my accent sucks.

  7. Here’s a compliment: your story was good enough to win on my True Story Tuesday Contest! Kind of like the time I got a gold medal in a Tae Kwon Do tournament and the only other person in my division got the silver medal. I hope that doesn’t take away from your winning.

    Backhanded compliments are the worst. My bro-in-law is the worst worst about it. He told me I lost a lot of weight after having my baby (a strange compliment to begin with) but said no one has as skinny of thighs as his new wife. She and I both felt weird and now I have an insecurity about my thighs.

    • mooselicker says:

      Woo I need to add this to my Resume.

      If it means anything, I like thick thighs. Big bolstering jiggling thighs. So much better than stick legs. I want my girl’s thighs to make the sound a laminated map makes when you shake it.

      There’s a backhanded compliment for ya.

  8. “You find it warm in here because you’re hot.”
    Someone once told me that. Which isn’t the best thing to say. I didn’t run away screaming, though, because I wanted to believe he was bad at saying the right things.

    • mooselicker says:

      Do corny pickup lines ever work? I’ve never tried one. Especially not one pertaining to the weather. I get cold or hot too easily. I’d never be able to be a good judge of hotness in a room. It might be really cold and I’d say it to the girl. Then she’d think that she was dying because she felt cold and yet I felt like it was hot.

      • Please promise me to never use such pickup lines! Unless you gain money by doing so. It’s just not what girls want to here. What girls like me want to here. You’d better say: “Hey, you look like someone who likes to talk about Cicero while being beautiful.” Success guaranteed.

      • mooselicker says:

        I don’t know what Cicero is. I’m guessing a pizza joint or an island from The Iliad.

  9. Lisa says:

    BTW… Don’t be frightened by my comment. I’m a therapist, I can’t help myself with regard to more emotional topics. ; )

    • mooselicker says:

      No problem at all Lisa. I’m always into finding out more about myself and what makes me tick. I’ve never had a professional do it though. I might discover some real demons.

  10. robpixaday says:

    You are funny, smart, handsome, charming, brilliant, beautiful, original, and one-of-a-kind!

    I left the “stud” part out because I don’t know how happy it’d make you, being compared to something that people drill nails into. :O

    LOL…great post! Compliments are tricky business. There are people who take the compliment and say thank you, but then walk away thinking: “Is that all? I’m PRETTY???? Why aren’t GORGEOUS!? What a loser!”

    And btw, you’re a brilliant writer.
    Just sayin’…..

    • mooselicker says:

      It’d make me much happier than you could ever imagine 🙂

      Now I’m not sure if you’re being genuine or not. At first I read this and jumped up and hit my head on the 10 foot high ceiling I was so thrilled. Then I remembered that this is all about compliments and it’s the perfect time to trick me.

      But if you are genuine please tell that to every Hollywood agent. I’ve got a lot of television pilots I would like to sell them.

      • robpixaday says:

        Well, I’m guessing on the “beautiful” one (extrapolating from your blog posts, bec no pix are available) but the others? Yep.

        And the next time I meet a Hollywood — wait, more wood???? — agent I’ll put in a good word for you.


      • mooselicker says:

        I’ll put up some pictures of my beautiful self eventually. I finally have batteries for my camera.

        And thanks for the help you dirty minded lady!

  11. Pete Howorth says:

    You don’t compliment people in England, I saw a particular nice pair of jeans on a night out once worn by this big dude.

    He was walking past…

    Me: Hey nice jeans…
    Him: You fucking what dickhead?
    Me: …I said I like your jeans.
    Him: What’s that supposed to mean? I’ll break your fucking neck you cunt.
    Me: What the fuck did you just say twat?

    Then it ended with him on the floor in a bloody mess. So I don’t compliment people anymore.

    You have a stupid face.

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