Funny Guys

Posted: December 7, 2011 in Uncategorized
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I remember when I was younger and had a group of friends that I hung out with. We were inseparable. Mostly because nobody else in the class would talk to us.

We were a rag-tag group of misfits. One of them has a brother who plays professional baseball now. Another became prom king. The third was a very successful local musician. The fourth, well fuck, the fourth one in the group is me. Both of my sisters work with me. I didn’t go to prom. I could never get past the Intermediate level of Guitar Hero. Why do their lives rule while mine drools?

(My life in a picture. Who said babies are always cute?)

I’ve never really belonged in a group for too long. It’s part of the reason why I hate groups of friends. The Metallica song “Disappear” always reminded me of my friendships. The basic chorus goes “Just as soon as I belong, then it’s time I disappear.” That’s how you know your life isn’t very poetic. When James Hetfield can put it to music.

The one spot I’ve never successfully worked myself into was the spot in the group as the funny guy. Every group has one. It’s like the second one you need after the leader. I’ve come close to being the funny guy, but I’ve had a few things going against me. For one I’m way too attractive. I mean, my smile is just beautiful. My teeth glisten, the sun comes out and shines a little brighter. I’m sorry. I can’t help that my smile helped catch Osama Bin Laden.

Okay, realistically I’m not so incredibly dashing that I can’t pass as funny. I’m still pretty darn cute according to exactly 7 people I have met during the course of my life.  I use a miniature golf pencil to make the check marks because the pencils are so miniscule that they never get in the way. It sucks when you ask someone for a normal pencil and they hand you one of those. It’s like they’re insulting my tiny fingers. Mocking the fact that my hands resemble that of a tweenage girl.

(Not my hand. My mitts aren’t nearly that stubby or angelic)

My big problem with an inability to be the funny guy in the group is that I’m not funny unless I’m around other funny people. It’s true. Put me in a room full of politicians, principals, and war criminals I’m the most boring Ben Stein sounding person you’ve ever met. Switch the politicians to comedians and the principals into clown college students and the war criminals into a farting dog and I’m a hoot. I’m like a chameleon. I adapt to my surroundings. I don’t change colors though. Except that one Halloween I put on blackface and bought the house next door to upset my parents. Then they realized it was only me and we laughed about how there weren’t any minorities living within 5 miles of us.

To my UNKNOWLEDGE TREE!!! in order to be the funny guy of the group you need to have some obvious flaw. That’s why fat guys are usually funny. People can make fun of them and they can make fun of themselves. Guys with a strange limp or a colostomy bag too are usually the funny ones of the group. They have something noticeable about themselves that everyone can join in on the fun with. You know that they use their humor to get over their glaring problem. I don’t have any obvious physical or mental flaw. Sure, my voice sounds very gay in my own head and I’ve had a widow’s peak and a cow lick at the same time. They’re still not strong enough fodder to make me the clown of the group.

(Will Arnett, the only success story with a reciting hairline in history)

I remember back in high school hearing one of my teachers call a student in the class “the class clown.” This bothered me. His hair wasn’t nearly messy enough, skin wasn’t nearly pale enough, and his nose wasn’t round and red. My hair was very messy, I was and still am pretty pale thanks to my Irish heritage, and I remember having lots of facial rashes and pimples at that age. Particularly on my nose. I looked like a clown and here this douche was getting all of the clown praise. He was attractive and funny. He was everything that I wanted to be. Then a year later, at a urinal, where all of my best moments occur, he stepped up next to me. He told me how funny I was. I thought it was a trick. Like two other jock bully friends of his were going to jump me and take disposable camera pictures of my penis. Keep in mind, even in 2005 the use of disposable cameras was accepted.

My assumption of the class clown was wrong. He thoroughly and honestly thought that I had become a funny guy. Sure, that was a year that a lot in my life changed. I was no longer morbidly obese, I had confidence in just about everything I did, the blonde girl in front of me in history class let me smell her hair, and for the first time in my life I was comfortable with the man I was growing up to become and eventually loathe. Unfortunately, loving yourself is a recipe for not being funny. All of the great funny guys secretly or openly have some disdain for their own souls. I had forever lost my chance at being the funny guy. I chose loving myself over being well-liked and popular. Shit. I’m definitely making sure my kids don’t make that same mistake. I’m telling them everyday how much they suck.

For my younger readers, know that things do change when you get older. Being the funny guy no longer really matters. What people want in a friend is someone to listen to them. Someone to let them know they care. A shoulder to lean on when they’re not strong. An arm pit to cry into when they’ve had a bad day. Older people don’t care if you’re funny. All they care about is that every once in a while you pick up the tab. And I’m not talking about the Tab soda either. Bring Tab to a party and you’ll be the biggest joke in the funny guy’s repertoire.

(They used to say this caused cancer. Now it only causes you to be made fun of)

“Everybody funny. You funny too.” – George Thurogood and the Delaware Destroyers (Really? You want to be known for coming from Delaware?)

  1. Lily says:

    I feel like I always give myself too much credit. I always think of myself as the funny one in any group situation. Mainly because I am my own best audience. But sometimes, if I feel like people expect me to be funny, its too much pressure and I try to make everything I say funny and it just becomes awk. Better to be normal and occasionally funny.

    • mooselicker says:

      I get greedy sometimes. With a new group of people I’ll get a laugh then I’ll think that everything I say has to be funny. I try to hide in the corner and do tags to whatever somebody says. Come up with a good enough joke tag and they won’t be able to top you. But don’t overdo it. Then you become the “that’s what she said” person and that’s completely counterproductive.

      I think we’re all our own best audiences so don’t be down about that. I was rereading something I wrote a few months ago laughing hysterically thinking I was the most brilliant person ever. I’m sure you do the same thing.

    • We had a new guy being shown around at work once and I was introduced as “a really funny guy who comes out with great one-liners”.

      I just sat there thinking “erm…” and then avoided that new person as much as possible.

  2. Lisa says:

    Did I misread this or are you trying to convince all of us that you’re not the funny guy anymore?
    Once funny, ALWAYS funny. I don’t think you grow out of it?

    • mooselicker says:

      Only serious blogs from now on Lisa.

      Tomorrow’s topic:
      Microbiolecularcongieal Sciences

      This was a roundabout way for me to get people to tell me I’m funny wasn’t it? Yesterday I get compliments and today I narrow it down. I think funny people need other funny people around them. At least I do.

  3. Lisa says:

    Haha! Now I’ve got you paranoid. There’s no place to hide….
    I’m surrounded by funny people. Always appreciated, ALWAYS.

  4. Rob says:

    I’m still trying to figure out who’s brother plays professional baseball and who was a very successful local musician. I had to look at my yearbook to figure out who the prom king was. Apparently I have Alzheimers at age 24.

    • mooselicker says:

      I’d hate to name them by names. I already did that to Michael B.

      Think Rave Dugliese, Rick Marris, and “Hey dad, it’s okay —– was here.” You had Mrs. Forney 1st grade. You weren’t apart of our group.

      I can mention her by name because she’s most likely dead.

  5. eva626 says:

    i always used to sharpen my pencil and use it…even when it was so tiny!!

  6. I’ll top your teenage-girl-tiny hands with my man-hands. I’ve been known to crush souls with these babies. But not babies. They’re just perfect for palming small children without dropping them.

    I don’t think I really knew funny until I had a 10.5-year course with my Hubs. He has molded a side-kick to either a) laugh at his jokes or b) tell the kind of jokes that makes him laugh. I am still uncertain if this training has permeated to making those outside the household laugh. Except pity laughs – I get those a lot.

  7. If there was ever man made out of oranges, I reckon his willy would look a bit like that pencil.

  8. Pete Howorth says:

    As I am quite fat I can say this is correct as I am definitely the funny guy in the group.

    Im also the leader of my group due to me being well ‘ard.

    In group situations where I’m not the leader, then Im the mouthy renegade of the group.

    • mooselicker says:

      You sound like you don’t even need friends with all the roles you can take on.

      Pete, the one man wrecking crew of friends. 150 years ago you would have been the baddest motherfucker around.

  9. breezyk says:

    “That’s how you know your life isn’t very poetic. When James Hetfield can put it to music.” Is it bad when I had this same thought the other day about the song “Breakaway” by Kelly Clarkson? (answer: yes, it is bad.)

    • mooselicker says:

      At least Hetfield has 3 other guys behind him backing up everything he says. Kelly Clarkson’s all on her own. Maybe a few twinks dancing behind as a support system, but nowhere near the same kind of muster that Jimmy Hetfield gets when he mumbles through his lyrics.

  10. mindwarpfx says:

    If your the only funny person in the room, then you are all ways having to laugh at yourself. Ya that happens to me far to much. But with other funny people you can laugh at them, who are more than likely laughing at you! Back at ya.
    All the best!

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