(My daily commute, in map form!)
On average, it takes me an hour to get to work. This enables me to think a lot. It probably also screws with my posture and is the reason why I hate driving. I never was all that excited about driving. I used to think as soon as I could drive I would go tons of places. New York City, Los Angeles, Cancun, Zimbabwe, anywhere my car could take me I’d go! Then I discovered how much gas costs. And how much an oil change costs. And how much labor on car repairs costs. At times it seems like I only work to pay to own a car. I don’t think I’ve ever smiled in that thing.
When I moved to my current location I had planned on quitting my job after a few months and finding something better. The only real job I could probably get would be one that pays less than at my current one. There are also other problems. The first being that I’m not good-looking enough to work at Applebees. Have you seen the people who work there? Hubba-Hubba! It’s like you get rejected from Applebees and then pursue underwear modeling. I’ve written before how sexy I find waitresses. I’m currently dating a girl who works at Chilis. She doesn’t know we’re dating and I’m still waiting to say more to her than “Another Diet Coke please!” Our fingers touched once on the soda hand off. I hope she doesn’t realize I did that on purpose. I want her to think it’s fate. The only other reason preventing me from quitting my current job is being a coward. I’m too comfortable there. I’ve been there six years plus now. I know the ins and outs. I associate comfort with sadness and anger. Anything that feels comfortable also is a detriment in my life. Take my bed for instance. Very comfy. The problem with it? Not enough waitresses in it! And you thought you had it rough.
Today going to work I realized that my commute is entirely too long. Nobody should have to drive an hour to a job they don’t really like. I probably shouldn’t type out that I don’t like my job on the off-chance that a coworker or boss reads this. My logic is that they will read this, I will be called into a large room with a council of faceless individuals behind dark smoke, and they will on a giant computer visit my site and tell me why I am fired. Not only will this force me to get my ass in gear and try out something new, it would also give me an extra hit to my blog. Double score!
As an attempt to capitalize on my painfully long commute I have attempted to make a humorous list of things that let you know that your commute is too long. I think calling this humorous completely negates the possibility of this containing any slice of humor. Sorry to disappoint you. Now you understand how my family feels toward me.
1) Coldplay comes on the radio more than once
I don’t like Coldplay. A bearded 20-year-old found out that I liked Led Zeppelin and recommended Coldplay to me because of that. I punched him the groin soon there after.
Driving a lot gives me time to listen to a lot of radio. I am an expert into how many times certain songs are played. Never in the course of an hour except during a double shot should I have to suffer through two Coldplay songs. Do they not realize that I could kill someone with my vehicle out of anger? One an hour is plenty.
2) You know the morning, midday, and afternoon drive DJ names of at least 3 radio stations
Like I mentioned, I listen to a lot of radio. Even at home I do. Mostly sports talk which is painful this time of year because baseball and hockey are the only sports I’m committed to.
I’m probably the only person under the age of 84 who has radio programs that he enjoys and schedules his life around. I feel like Ralphie from A Christmas Story. The only difference between us is I already got my gun. It’s called my right arm.
3) You’ve seen 10 accidents in one day
I’ll be fair with this one. The day I saw 10 accidents was during that freak snow storm we had in the Northeast right before Halloween. It was like Armageddon out there.
In all of my driving (I’ve driven about 80,000 miles in my life) I’ve never been in an accident. I know I might be jinxing this and am shaking as I type this. I’m a very careful driver. People honk their horns at me and scream obscenities as I go 40 on the highway. This is their way of saying they’re jealous. Slow and steady wins the race.
4) People tell you to “get home safe” even when it isn’t a special occasion or bad weather outside
I know it’s sweet for people to wish me luck in getting home, but I can handle it. Imagine the one time someone does forget to say that and you die. That’ll haunt them for a few years.
Most of my drive is 35 miles down a highway which never has heavy traffic. I could probably do it with my eyes closed at this point. I never would though. Fall foliage between exits 47 and 52 keeps me alert. Nothing like bright oranges, reds, and browns to keep me from wanting to die.
5) You’ve eaten food off of the passenger seat of your car you got so hungry
To be fair it was a piece of cereal.
To be unfair I have no clue what type of cereal it was. Not even sure if it was from the previous owner or not.
6) You’ve gotten off at the wrong exit
When you drive the same route every day, you’d think you’d never make a mistake. It’s only happened once where I got off the wrong exit. Once too many.
I was only one exit early and it delayed me in getting home by about 10 minutes. I was really hungry and had already eaten the only piece of cereal I could scavenge from my passenger seat. I haven’t made the same mistake since. The taking the wrong exit thing. I still eat cereal I find.
7) Your check engine light comes on and turns off in the same drive
It’s never happened to me, but I’m sure it has to someone. There are people out there with much longer commutes than I have. Anything is possible.
My check engine light always comes on. No matter what car I own it’s inevitable. The mechanics always try to tell me that I should get it checked out. It always ends up being nothing. That’s why I don’t trust mechanics or ever take their advice. Sorry but white guys with hands that look like they belong on Flava Flav are not my role models.
8) You’ve come up with brilliant ideas that you forget because your idea has now turned into a conversation with yourself
I do this all the time. I have a lot of conversations in my head. I feel this isn’t as crazy as it reads. The crazy part is that most of my head conversations involve Jay Leno interviewing me on my newest movie. We laugh and go out for drinks after the show. That’s a taste inside my head.
The worst thing about getting a great idea when you’re driving is that you have to keep repeating it in your head so that you’ll remember it before writing it down. This stops you from having new brilliant ideas. Then when you get home you realize it wasn’t a great idea after all. Like my dream that I wrote down about a song that was about having the same birthday as the Pope.
Same as the Pope,
Same as the Pope,
Just like the Pope,
Same as the Pope.
I know my lyrics aren’t up there with the likes of John Lennon or Billy Ray Cyrus, but damn it at least I don’t have a hole in my head or slut my daughter around.
Cars are something I should be very thankful for. Believe it or not, they didn’t always exist. Many years ago we’d have to use animal backs to get around on. Animals probably hated this. It’s got to be rough to have THE CAMEL LIFE!!! or the life of a horse, elephant, or gigantic spider. People are always climbing on their backs. I almost don’t feel bad when they buck someone off.
I hope your commute isn’t very long. It can be hell driving a long distance to somewhere you really would rather not be at. I feel comfortable saying that I don’t want to be at work. Nobody wants to be there. Even my bosses say how much they hate it. Would they be going back to school in a completely unrelated degree field if they loved their job so much? Not unless they’re trying to throw me for a loop. Damn Illuminati. I’ve been foiled again!