(My daily commute, in map form!)

On average, it takes me an hour to get to work. This enables me to think a lot. It probably also screws with my posture and is the reason why I hate driving. I never was all that excited about driving. I used to think as soon as I could drive I would go tons of places. New York City, Los Angeles, Cancun, Zimbabwe, anywhere my car could take me I’d go! Then I discovered how much gas costs. And how much an oil change costs. And how much labor on car repairs costs. At times it seems like I only work to pay to own a car. I don’t think I’ve ever smiled in that thing.

When I moved to my current location I had planned on quitting my job after a few months and finding something better. The only real job I could probably get would be one that pays less than at my current one. There are also other problems. The first being that I’m not good-looking enough to work at Applebees. Have you seen the people who work there? Hubba-Hubba! It’s like you get rejected from Applebees and then pursue underwear modeling. I’ve written before how sexy I find waitresses. I’m currently dating a girl who works at Chilis. She doesn’t know we’re dating and I’m still waiting to say more to her than “Another Diet Coke please!” Our fingers touched once on the soda hand off. I hope she doesn’t realize I did that on purpose. I want her to think it’s fate. The only other reason preventing me from quitting my current job is being a coward. I’m too comfortable there. I’ve been there six years plus now. I know the ins and outs. I associate comfort with sadness and anger. Anything that feels comfortable also is a detriment in my life. Take my bed for instance. Very comfy. The problem with it? Not enough waitresses in it! And you thought you had it rough.

Today going to work I realized that my commute is entirely too long. Nobody should have to drive an hour to a job they don’t really like. I probably shouldn’t type out that I don’t like my job on the off-chance that a coworker or boss reads this. My logic is that they will read this, I will be called into a large room with a council of faceless individuals behind dark smoke, and they will on a giant computer visit my site and tell me why I am fired. Not only will this force me to get my ass in gear and try out something new, it would also give me an extra hit to my blog. Double score!

As an attempt to capitalize on my painfully long commute I have attempted to make a humorous list of things that let you know that your commute is too long. I think calling this humorous completely negates the possibility of this containing any slice of humor. Sorry to disappoint you. Now you understand how my family feels toward me.

1) Coldplay comes on the radio more than once

I don’t like Coldplay. A bearded 20-year-old found out that I liked Led Zeppelin and recommended Coldplay to me because of that. I punched him the groin soon there after.

Driving a lot gives me time to listen to a lot of radio. I am an expert into how many times certain songs are played. Never in the course of an hour except during a double shot should I have to suffer through two Coldplay songs. Do they not realize that I could kill someone with my vehicle out of anger? One an hour is plenty.

2) You know the morning, midday, and afternoon drive DJ names of at least 3 radio stations

Like I mentioned, I listen to a lot of radio. Even at home I do. Mostly sports talk which is painful this time of year because baseball and hockey are the only sports I’m committed to.

I’m probably the only person under the age of 84 who has radio programs that he enjoys and schedules his life around. I feel like Ralphie from A Christmas Story. The only difference between us is I already got my gun. It’s called my right arm.

3) You’ve seen 10 accidents in one day

I’ll be fair with this one. The day I saw 10 accidents was during that freak snow storm we had in the Northeast right before Halloween. It was like Armageddon out there.

In all of my driving (I’ve driven about 80,000 miles in my life) I’ve never been in an accident. I know I might be jinxing this and am shaking as I type this. I’m a very careful driver. People honk their horns at me and scream obscenities as I go 40 on the highway. This is their way of saying they’re jealous. Slow and steady wins the race.

4) People tell you to “get home safe” even when it isn’t a special occasion or bad weather outside

I know it’s sweet for people to wish me luck in getting home, but I can handle it. Imagine the one time someone does forget to say that and you die. That’ll haunt them for a few years.

Most of my drive is 35 miles down a highway which never has heavy traffic. I could probably do it with my eyes closed at this point. I never would though. Fall foliage between exits 47 and 52 keeps me alert. Nothing like bright oranges, reds, and browns to keep me from wanting to die.

5) You’ve eaten food off of the passenger seat of your car you got so hungry

To be fair it was a piece of cereal.

To be unfair I have no clue what type of cereal it was. Not even sure if it was from the previous owner or not.

6) You’ve gotten off at the wrong exit

When you drive the same route every day, you’d think you’d never make a mistake. It’s only happened once where I got off the wrong exit. Once too many.

I was only one exit early and it delayed me in getting home by about 10 minutes. I was really hungry and had already eaten the only piece of cereal I could scavenge from my passenger seat. I haven’t made the same mistake since. The taking the wrong exit thing. I still eat cereal I find.

7) Your check engine light comes on and turns off in the same drive

It’s never happened to me, but I’m sure it has to someone. There are people out there with much longer commutes than I have. Anything is possible.

My check engine light always comes on. No matter what car I own it’s inevitable. The mechanics always try to tell me that I should get it checked out. It always ends up being nothing. That’s why I don’t trust mechanics or ever take their advice. Sorry but white guys with hands that look like they belong on Flava Flav are not my role models.

8) You’ve come up with brilliant ideas that you forget because your idea has now turned into a conversation with yourself

I do this all the time. I have a lot of conversations in my head. I feel this isn’t as crazy as it reads. The crazy part is that most of my head conversations involve Jay Leno interviewing me on my newest movie. We laugh and go out for drinks after the show. That’s a taste inside my head.

The worst thing about getting a great idea when you’re driving is that you have to keep repeating it in your head so that you’ll remember it before writing it down. This stops you from having new brilliant ideas. Then when you get home you realize it wasn’t a great idea after all. Like my dream that I wrote down about a song that was about having the same birthday as the Pope.

Same as the Pope,

Same as the Pope,

Just like the Pope,

Same as the Pope.

I know my lyrics aren’t up there with the likes of John Lennon or Billy Ray Cyrus, but damn it at least I don’t have a hole in my head or slut my daughter around.

Cars are something I should be very thankful for. Believe it or not, they didn’t always exist. Many years ago we’d have to use animal backs to get around on. Animals probably hated this. It’s got to be rough to have THE CAMEL LIFE!!! or the life of a horse, elephant, or gigantic spider. People are always climbing on their backs. I almost don’t feel bad when they buck someone off.

I hope your commute isn’t very long. It can be hell driving a long distance to somewhere you really would rather not be at. I feel comfortable saying that I don’t want to be at work. Nobody wants to be there. Even my bosses say how much they hate it. Would they be going back to school in a completely unrelated degree field if they loved their job so much? Not unless they’re trying to throw me for a loop. Damn Illuminati. I’ve been foiled again!

  1. Lily says:

    I love that you said “hubba-hubba” I haven’t heard that phrase since I was 8 and admitted to my mom that I had a crush on Macaulay Culkin after watching Home Alone. Oy.
    Also, I cannot remember the last time I went to Chilis and didn’t cry. For some reason I get emotional there.
    But yeah long commutes suck. Also, why is Coldplay’s new hit called “Every teardrop is a water fall”? Sounds like something I wrote in 9th grade.

    • mooselicker says:

      I think we’ve all had a crush on a Culkin at one time. Maybe it’s that they all have weird names like the Phoenixes of the early 90s.

      Chilis went down hill after they stopped serving corn dogs. Yes, Chilis the big popular fake Mexcian restaurant used to have corn dogs. You can bet I’d ask my “girlfriend” for one every time just as innuendo.

  2. Lisa says:

    I hate cars, in general. I especially hate car dealerships. I hate when the salesman says he needs to go ask the finance manager about your offer or he needs to “crunch the numbers” and disappears in the back room. Meanwhile, they’re just back there yucking it up. Then he reappears and acts like he’s been working on getting you a great deal. It’s sooo insulting, bogus and transparent. It’s embarrassing.
    As for the engine light, I don’t trust that they don’t have it programmed so that you go in and they tell you that you need new tires or some fluid or such. (can you tell I know nothing about cars?)
    Can’t live with ’em can’t live without ’em. The radio/stereo is absolutely the best part of driving. I feel your pain with Coldplay….

    • mooselicker says:

      Oh don’t worry, I know nothing about cars either. My rule is that I say no to the first two things they recommend and if there’s a third thing that needs fixing I get that done. I can’t wait until the day where I don’t need to drive a car (or even ever leave my home). Most cars have their check engine lights come on and it means nothing. A mechanic actually told me that so I’ll have to trust the one guy who tells me different.

      Never realized how much the world hated Coldplay…

  3. eva626 says:

    i can not commute for my life.

    eating from the car seat??? seriously!? …well when hunger strike pple go loco. lol

  4. Pete Howorth says:

    It’s Snow Patrol getting played every five minutes over here, I like Snow Patrol but there’s no need to play their new song, do the news then play it again!

    It used to take me about 40-45 minutes to get to work before I got fired, my next job will hopefully be closer to home, although I’ve applied for one that’s even further away (although for a lot more money)

    8) You start yelling incoherently because someone has pulled in front of you, meaning you can’t do 100mph anymore.

    • Pete Howorth says:

      Mhm, that was meant to be 8 then a ) stupid smilies.

    • mooselicker says:

      Snow Patrol’s biggest claim to fame to me is being in a baseball video game 6 years ago. I haven’t heard from them since.

      Do you guys even have speed limits over in the UK? I know a lot of places in Europe don’t. Us Americans are forced to never go over 65 MPH. I don’t think I could drive fast and curse though so maybe it’s all for the best because I really like cursing at other people while I drive.

      • Pete Howorth says:

        Yeah our speed limit is 70mph on Motorways (Highways) and I break it constantly, if the person in front of me isn’t doing 80 then they need to get the hell out of my way!

  5. Some of your stuff here reminded me of David Thornes website. If you haven’t heard of him you should check him, his stuff is hilarious.

    This is one of my faves – http://27bslash6.com/courier.html

    • mooselicker says:

      The name David Thomas to me reminds me of the guy Dave Thomas who founded the fast food restaurant Wendy’s. I don’t think they’re the same guy. Unless he can write from beyond the grave.

      • mooselicker says:

        Wow I’m retarded. Where did I get the name David Thomas from? You clearly wrote Thorne. I guess it’s been revealed, I only ever read the first three letters of any word then fill in the rest.

  6. Well, I actually share my birthday with one of the former popes. So I consider your song to be for me. Thank you.
    I also thought I would wear heels all the time as soon I could, until I found out that it costs feet. Reality never gets close to imagination.

    • mooselicker says:

      The song is all yours. I’m sure some Pope out there shares my birthday. There’s been quite a few of them guys already.

      I’ve never worn heels. I swear, I haven’t. I don’t know how you girls do it though. Mad props.

  7. Please please punch whoever recommends Coldplay to anybody in the groin as many times as you can. I’m sure we could start a movement to finally stop them – built around blogging and groin punching of course.

    Awesome post!

  8. I read this last night and have been trying to remember what I wanted to write all day. But now I’ve been repeating some random phrase in my head that doesn’t make sense. Something about “only 80,000 miles?” Seriously, how old are you? I feel like I’ve put 3 x 80,000 miles in my lifetime, and that’s just underbidding. But maybe I did a lot of driving from Austin to Houston and sometimes Dallas for fam-time. That number made you seem like a wee pup to me and I’m an old hag for spending so much time behind the wheel.

    That being said, I refuse to drive more than 15 min to go to a job. To bad my last day is next friday. Then I won’t have to drive anywhere. Maybe working from home will make me miss my Public radio programs. I def schedule my day around what time Fresh Air with Terry Gross will be on and the poems on The Writer’s Almanac. It makes me feel a good kind of nerdy.

    • mooselicker says:

      I’m 24, like the TV show or Ken Griffey Jr’s baseball number. I’ve only ever driven in 2 different states in my life and it was only along the border of the other.

      I was only staying up late for a very short phase over the summer listening to Coast to Coast AM. That’s when you know your life has no meaning. When you stay up until 3 in the morning to listen to canned radio programs about the supernatural.

  9. Emily He says:

    Try riding the subway during rush hour in Beijing. I don’t even have room to pick the grain of rice out of another man’s beard!

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