I’m a big believer in the Mayans. Not their prophecies or anything. Just that they once existed. The verdict is still out on the existence of Spanish people from Spain. I’m starting to think that Spain is a fictional place that Puerto Ricans and Colombians claim to be their original motherland. It’s like their Narnia.
In case you’re never watched the History Channel, the Discovery Channel, or talk to a drunk guy at 2 in the morning, the Mayans “predict” that the world will end on December 21, 2012. Funny thing is, I was into this Mayan craze years ago. Back then, Doomsday was December 12, 2012. I don’t blame the Mayans for not quite being sure about which day the world would end. They didn’t have pens or scrap paper to do their math on. I’ll give them a 9 day margin of error.
A few other contributions that Mayans have given to our modern society other than fear are the movie Apocalypto, the movie 2012, and half-assed pyramids with steps. Okay, as much as I’ve read about the Mayans I still don’t know very much. I know they disappeared without a trace. Modern day Mexicans are partly descendents of them. That’s about it. Everything else is from Ancient Aliens and is a bunch of nonsense about how they could possibly have been aliens themselves. Wouldn’t that be ironic if that was true? The Mexicans that sneak across the border would be double aliens. Does that cancel themselves out? I think so. If you’re an alien who comes to this planet and you manage to cross the border to another country, you deserve to stay. Nowhere near me of course.
I don’t really have much of a plan for the 2012 disaster. Well, who says it’s going to be a disaster? All we know is that their calendars end on that day. My calendar ends on December 31, 2011. That’s when I believed the world was going to end all year-long. Then I got a new one and that one ends on December 31, 2012. I don’t know who to believe. The Mayans or the cute Labrador Retriever on the month of December of my new calendar.
(Even Jewish people have to admit this is adorable)
The Mayans aren’t the first people to claim that the world would end. Not even close. People have been doing that for centuries. Like that douche bag Nostradamus. Did you know that he never predicted a single thing? He lost his entire fortune gambling he was so bad at predicting the outcome of football games. On his wedding day, he predicted that his marriage would last forever. The man was married 9 more times before dying, which he predicted he never would do. He made bets with friends while watching Romantic Comedies. He’d say “Julia Roberts won’t end up with the guy” and then he’d lose. He’d have to dress up like a French maid for a week and clean his buddy’s apartment. I almost bought a Nostradamus book for a dollar. Then I remembered he was nothing more than a poet who wrote about his own era. He said things about how a harsh leader would rise up and take control at the end of times. What leaders aren’t harsh? It’s happening all the time. Nostradamus wasn’t some oracle. He was a rhyming Frenchman. Can we really trust a guy from the same country that made Jerry Lewis’s career?
(Screw saying something interesting or poignant, a funny face is all you need to be a legend)
I have my own prediction for 12/21/2012. It will be a Friday. How do I know this? I looked it up on the Internet. Something the Mayans didn’t have. Are we really going to believe that a group of people who didn’t have the Internet know when the world is going to end? Sir Isaac Newton said that the world cannot end before 2050. It’s mathematically impossible. I don’t know how he figured that out. Most of his science involved being smacked in the head with fruits. I know he never had the Internet either, much like the Mayans. One thing Newton had over them was pants. Always trust a man with pants over a nation without them.
Really there’s no reason to be afraid. I’ve watched television programs, movies, read books, and used logic to determine that the Mayans predicted a date of the end of the world is no different from you doing it. This is all fear mongering and it will never stop. New Mayans will come along. New groups of people who supposedly claim to know when we will all die. They won’t say how or even what will happen. They’ll give us a date. That’s all. Then as a whole we’ll all have to hold our collective breaths hoping that they were wrong. I don’t know about you, but I’m not ready to die in a catastrophic event. Maybe a car crash or a runaway anvil, but not a mega-volcano.
Now to end with the most appropriate song by R.E.M. It’s a song about the end of the world. Enjoy!