I’m a big believer in the Mayans. Not their prophecies or anything. Just that they once existed. The verdict is still out on the existence of Spanish people from Spain. I’m starting to think that Spain is a fictional place that Puerto Ricans and Colombians claim to be their original motherland. It’s like their Narnia.

(Doesn’t exist)

In case you’re never watched the History Channel, the Discovery Channel, or talk to a drunk guy at 2 in the morning, the Mayans “predict” that the world will end on December 21, 2012. Funny thing is, I was into this Mayan craze years ago. Back then, Doomsday was December 12, 2012. I don’t blame the Mayans for not quite being sure about which day the world would end. They didn’t have pens or scrap paper to do their math on. I’ll give them a 9 day margin of error.

A few other contributions that Mayans have given to our modern society other than fear are the movie Apocalypto, the movie 2012, and half-assed pyramids with steps. Okay, as much as I’ve read about the Mayans I still don’t know very much. I know they disappeared without a trace. Modern day Mexicans are partly descendents of them. That’s about it. Everything else is from Ancient Aliens and is a bunch of nonsense about how they could possibly have been aliens themselves. Wouldn’t that be ironic if that was true? The Mexicans that sneak across the border would be double aliens. Does that cancel themselves out? I think so. If you’re an alien who comes to this planet and you manage to cross the border to another country, you deserve to stay. Nowhere near me of course.

I don’t really have much of a plan for the 2012 disaster. Well, who says it’s going to be a disaster? All we know is that their calendars end on that day. My calendar ends on December 31, 2011. That’s when I believed the world was going to end all year-long. Then I got a new one and that one ends on December 31, 2012. I don’t know who to believe. The Mayans or the cute Labrador Retriever on the month of December of my new calendar.

(Even Jewish people have to admit this is adorable)

The Mayans aren’t the first people to claim that the world would end. Not even close. People have been doing that for centuries. Like that douche bag Nostradamus. Did you know that he never predicted a single thing? He lost his entire fortune gambling he was so bad at predicting the outcome of football games. On his wedding day, he predicted that his marriage would last forever. The man was married 9 more times before dying, which he predicted he never would do. He made bets with friends while watching Romantic Comedies. He’d say “Julia Roberts won’t end up with the guy” and then he’d lose. He’d have to dress up like a French maid for a week and clean his buddy’s apartment. I almost bought a Nostradamus book for a dollar. Then I remembered he was nothing more than a poet who wrote about his own era. He said things about how a harsh leader would rise up and take control at the end of times. What leaders aren’t harsh? It’s happening all the time. Nostradamus wasn’t some oracle. He was a rhyming Frenchman. Can we really trust a guy from the same country that made Jerry Lewis’s career?

(Screw saying something interesting or poignant, a funny face is all you need to be a legend)

I have my own prediction for 12/21/2012. It will be a Friday. How do I know this? I looked it up on the Internet. Something the Mayans didn’t have. Are we really going to believe that a group of people who didn’t have the Internet know when the world is going to end? Sir Isaac Newton said that the world cannot end before 2050. It’s mathematically impossible. I don’t know how he figured that out. Most of his science involved being smacked in the head with fruits. I know he never had the Internet either, much like the Mayans. One thing Newton had over them was pants. Always trust a man with pants over a nation without them.

Really there’s no reason to be afraid. I’ve watched television programs, movies, read books, and used logic to determine that the Mayans predicted a date of the end of the world is no different from you doing it. This is all fear mongering and it will never stop. New Mayans will come along. New groups of people who supposedly claim to know when we will all die. They won’t say how or even what will happen. They’ll give us a date. That’s all. Then as a whole we’ll all have to hold our collective breaths hoping that they were wrong. I don’t know about you, but I’m not ready to die in a catastrophic event. Maybe a car crash or a runaway anvil, but not a mega-volcano.

Now to end with the most appropriate song by R.E.M. It’s a song about the end of the world. Enjoy!

Comments
  1. I’m sure you’ve seen this before?

    This is all I was thinking about as reading your post. Sorry 🙂 But the Mayans’ disappearing act is sort of curious, isn’t it?

    • mooselicker says:

      Hahaha yes I saw this years ago watching it drunk at 4 in the morning with friends. Then we watched the Loose Change videos on YouTube. We were nerds.

      I think the Mayans either left or were probably killed off with guns or disease by these fictional Spaniards that I hear about. Or maybe the Portugese who seemed to at one point have some influence. The pilgrims and whatever they were called after that wanted to, they probably could have wiped off the Native Americans without any record of their existence if they wanted to.

      I’ve watched a lot of Ancient Aliens so I’m hoping that the Mayans were from outerspace. I doubt it’s true, but it’s something fun to fantasize about.

  2. Lily says:

    I feel like the Mayans died a grisly death after Cortez conquered them. Or something along those lines. I am one of those weird people that enjoys the thought of the world ending in my life time. Or some sort of apocalypse where everyone has to live in their basements and survive on condiments. I mean…

    • mooselicker says:

      I wouldn’t mind living in a post Apocalyptic world. It would have to be very western though. Like we’ve gotten a few of us together to create taverns and brothels in a small area. I’ve got the soul of a cowboy and am a big fan of Eastwood films which would explain this.

      I don’t want to die in a fire which is how I know I will in the Apocalypse.

  3. breezyk says:

    Apparently this is all a big myth tho- I went to a Myan exhibit at a museum recently and was reading about it… they have predictions going past that date in their history, 2012 is just the end of like the third celestial cycle or some shit like that… lucky (?) for us, there will probably be a fourth.

    • mooselicker says:

      I probably should have taken the high road and argued that the Mayans are right so everybody would argue with me. I don’t like all of thise agreeing.

      It’s the new Y2K where they can make movies about it and whatnot. I hope in a fear years they don’t change it that they were off by a few years, like it’s really 2021. I could see that happening. Then we get a John Cusack sequel.

  4. If the end of the world is in December 2012, I would really like to know a specific date. So I can prepare (I still have to go bungee-jumping). Also, you must be right about the fact that there’s no way of knowledge without the internet.

  5. I really liked the opening paragraph and picture to this, the alternate history for the Spanish was funny.

  6. Lisa says:

    I think the Mayan calendar ends in 2012 because they simply ran out of their equivalent of paper? That was all the supply they had so people (modern man) just jumped to conclusions. If the Mayans had an Office Depot nearby they could have kept writing and documenting thus, sparing us the end of the world speculations.

    • mooselicker says:

      Would they make their Office Depot workers wear pants and name tags? I don’t know what any traditional Mayan names are. Their cities with long and had a lot of weird letters like X’s in them. Texuatalaco or something like that. Reminds me of a gas station.

      • Lisa says:

        I can think of two Mayans, the poet Lauriet, Mayan Angelou and that actress from Bridesmaids, Mayan Rudolf………. But seriously, don’t they both look like they’re Mayan?

      • mooselicker says:

        Hahahaha that could explain where they all went to. They became influencial poets and SNL cast members. The Mayans are hiding among us.

  7. BuddhaKat says:

    xllnt post, dude… here’s the deal – if you’re american it’s 12/21/2012… if you’re european it’s 21/12/2012… but what with the international dateline and zule greenwich mean time and daylight savings time, nobody will ever really know…
    🙂

    • mooselicker says:

      Hahaha yeah and who says what time Doomsday comes? Is it right at midnight? Noon? 5:38 pm? Maybe it’ll start in New Zealand then we’ll have the rest of the day to prepare for it by saying goodbye to loved ones then serenading our secret crushes.

  8. Rob says:

    The Mayans should have never have stolen the guns from SAMCRO.

    • mooselicker says:

      That’s what they get for dealing with the Niners.

      Henry Rollins is a Neo Nazi in Season 2. Just letting you know for excitement value.

      • Brock says:

        I watched the first episode last night and I’m so uninterested in that show it’s not even funny. I wish someone could cut out all the boring parts.

        Also, the Niners are in like every season of The Shield.

      • mooselicker says:

        It takes 6 episodes before it gets interesting. Before that it feels like it started off in the middle of the season.

  9. Pete Howorth says:

    Don’t you worry your pretty little head about it, I shall be protecting the world on that day.

  10. My mom always has some date on which she thinks the world will end. We had 700 lbs worth of grains for the millennium. My dad said there was a day in the 70’s that she was freaked out about, too. She is constantly telling me to have a survival kit. I love her, but it stresses me out. So that if there IS actually a day that the zombies come out in full force and try to eat my brains, I will be the least prepared person in history, but I’ll have this list of things she told me to do just looming in the back of my mind.

  11. robpixaday says:

    Ah…good song.
    Apt.

    And that 9-day difference is due to the Julian calendar. Isn’t that the answer to everything about calendars? (sorry if some other commenter said that already; I got here late)

    Yes, the worlds going to end. I bought Reese Peanut Butter cups in LARGE QUANTITIES a couple of month ago when the skyrocketing price of peanuts was supposed to make them too expensive for people like me who have no income at all. So…when the Reeses are gone, the world ends. I think it’ll be in March or April, though. Unless the Easter Bunny knows something we don’t.

    Wonderful post!!!

    • mooselicker says:

      I didn’t hear about this peanut problem. I’m very nervous now. Peanut butter is my favorite food ever. That’s why I never eat it. I can’t stop myself around it. I’m like a dog.

      I’ll have to stock up on peanuts anyway. I like breaking them open and leaving a mess in other people’s homes.

  12. robpixaday says:

    LOL!!!!!

    Here’s a link, if you don’t mind my leaving one behind. If you do…well, ummm…tell me and I won’t do it next time. 🙂

    http://www2.tbo.com/business/breaking-news/2011/dec/02/rising-peanut-prices-rippling-from-food-banks-to-f-ar-328739/

  13. And here I am, on the eve of the end of the world, reading and commenting on your blog. Priorities. You were funny last year!

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