This is a topic that I can simply write “I don’t get it” and leave it at that. People’s love for flowers and other types of plants. Ficus, cacti, daisies, roses, marijuana leaves, grape vines, poinsettia, none of them make sense to me. Maybe I’m too manly to get it.

I’ll start with flowers because I always do things alphabetically. Just like how I always microwave things for either 1 minute and 20 seconds or for 3 minutes and 52 seconds. I don’t know where these numbers came from. I just have a number phobia.

I’ve only ever gotten flowers for a girl once. She was happy and it was a complete surprise on her birthday. What an amazing boyfriend I am. I drove an hour to her work and showed up with flowers. I deserve an award or something for being so spectacular. I should at least be allowed to sleep around more. I didn’t feel however that the flowers really were all that much appreciated. My girl (I refuse to call her my girlfriend, friends don’t wake up friends with text messages at 5 in the morning to tell them about things that do not involve cool dreams) went on vacation a week later. The flowers went mostly unnoticed. But it was the thought that counted, right? I’ve always thought about getting her flowers. I’m thinking about it right now. I’ve thought about getting YOU flowers too. Yes, you reading this. Here is your thought of flowers. You are welcome. Now reciprocate how you see fit. I have a few suggestions. Most do not involve pants.

(This movie completely turned off from pants and traveling)

The only time I know that flowers are a must is when you are fighting with someone. I think that’s a bit of a cop-out and hack. I’m also very original with ideas so I never do that. Fights are never my fault either. With anybody. Yeah sure, I was checking out your girlfriend. Maybe she shouldn’t have said “excuse me” in such a seductive way after she farted. She was leading me on, bro. How could I not? I don’t know why flowers make up for a fight. If anything that should just remind the girl of what a fuck up you really are. I don’t need some glorified pieces of grass to remind a girl that I screwed up. I’m going to screw up again and soon. That’ll remind her.

Flowers can be pretty. That might be the gayest thing I’ve ever admitted. Have I ever admitted that I think a younger Kiefer Sutherland is very handsome? No? Okay now at least that’s the gayest thing I have ever stated publicly. Flowers being pretty is just our way of saying that colorful things are attractive. A box of crayons should be able to do the same trick when you think about it. They have 64 different colors. Flowers have like what, 12 tops? This Valentine’s Day, I’m getting my Valentine a box of Crayolas.

(If I were gay I’d be wishing that cigarette was something else)

I would like to now move onto plants. I rarely remember ever having house plants in my home as a younger boy. There were flowers a lot because my dad was always fucking up. His mistake was probably never buying house plants for us. I’ve down my fair share of house sitting and the most annoying part of it is watering the house plants. I can handle cleaning out a stinky litter box or cleaning shit off a dog’s back. Watering a creepy green plant is different. It can’t even talk back to me or give me a hug. Except for the Venus Fly Trap from the Little Shop of Horrors, plants are pretty lame. They need to make wise cracks to entertain me.

Not only do plants draw in angry from within my soul, they also attract bugs. Plants grow on the outside for a reason. Bringing them inside goes against everything nature has taught us. Whenever I’m in a home with a potted plant I always feel the need to shove it down. I like breaking things and it being a plant’s home makes it even better.

While I’m at it, I’m not really that into trees or bushes. I like them a lot more though. Trees provide me with oxygen and bushes provide me with a wall from the cops whenever I need to urinate outside. I learned the hard way in 4th grade that you should always pee on a bush when peeing outside. You never know when a giant gust of wind will come along and make your piss look like the string to a kite. Trees and bushes are larger plants to me. I should probably hate them more, but nobody outside of Paul Bunyan has ever given his wife a tree to say he’s sorry.

What is it with this flower fad? That’s what I keep hoping it is. Just a fad. You give them to people for sympathy after someone dies. Then the flowers die and now you have two dead things in your life. It seems like a vicious cycle. Mark this down as another thing I do not understand about females. Their love of flowers isn’t nearly as strange as a few other things they’re into. Why can’t girls all like the same type of guy? I hear so much more from them that someone is too tall, too short, too fat, too skinny, too dirty, too clean, too serious, too funny, too attractive, too muscular, too tough, too much of a pussy, too into himself, too low in his self-opinion, too talented, too wealthy, too much like their last boyfriend, too different from their last boyfriend, etc. Be more like us guys ladies. I’m attracted to 75% of the females age 18-35 that I see. Make it 18-40 and it only drops to 74%. I blame all of this on flowers and plants. My inability to know what a woman wants. How I should change myself to be liked like you. I can’t be “just be myself.” That’s too mean and cruel. This world isn’t ready for the next Ted Bundy. I need to hide those demons and become the sweet flower giving man who I pretend to be.

They also killed everyone in the movie “The Happening.” I know I didn’t spoil it for you. M. Night did that well enough.

(“I got it, the bad guys are leaves!” – Some one trick pony)

Comments
  1. Brock says:

    You forgot lily of the valley. I like that plant so much that I eat them.

  2. Lily says:

    YEAH YOU FORGOT LILY OF THE VALLEY. jk. I just like lilies because I am vain and like anything that has to do with me. Every girl should appreciate flowers. The mere thought of a guy consciously going out and buying flowers makes me heart melt. So sweet. But seriously, why was Keifer’s name Eyeball in Stand By Me? I just couldn’t take him seriously with a name like that.

    • mooselicker says:

      I didn’t forget Lily of the Canada, that’s all you should worry about. Flowers are something that I will never understand and I will have to accept that. It’s always a good secret weapon to have in my back pocket to make a girl fall in love with/throw something in a rage at me.

      I never realized his name was eyeball. Stand By Me was a movie that was boring for 20 minutes then had a good scene. Then it was boring again then had a memorable scene. I’m not sure if I ever saw the beginning. The end makes me sad because River dies and then he dies in real life. I think Stephan King had that planned out for life to imitate art.

  3. Lisa says:

    When I read your microwave confession I got a little spooked. I, myself, am fond of a 1 minute and 20 second time ( that’s the heat I give to leftovers, etc.) For Lean Cuisines and such I like a 4 minute, 50 second heated rotation. Sure, sometimes I have to add a little extra for things that have been frozen for more than a year but, generally, I stick to my numbers.

    • mooselicker says:

      Wow that is strange. Sometimes I’ll put the microwave on 90 seconds. Yes. I won’t put a minute and 30 seconds, I’ll go straight to 90 seconds. I had no idea forever that a microwave could do that. I thought it might explode out of confusion.

      I’m glad I’m not the only number phobic person out there.

  4. Sorry to go off topic but do you want to write another column for WR?

  5. Awesome, just send it via email please. 🙂

  6. I just arranged $30 of fresh flowers in a vase for myself to enjoy (no need to wait for a man, I’d die waiting lol) 10 minutes ago so your post made me giggle more than a little …

    • mooselicker says:

      It’s all about the timing.

      I think we have all bought ourselves gifts. My mom used to buy my dogs gifts and pretend they were from my dogs to me. It was cute but it meant that I didn’t get a gift.

  7. cat.at says:

    … Flowers are nice, but don’t worry, there are plenty of girls that settle for less or equal …. like a movie at the “El Cheapo” cinema next door and a burger at Mc Donald’s 2 blocks down … I know I would be content with that … Excellent write up though … Love always, cat

    • mooselicker says:

      I only took one girl to McDonalds ever and she farted in the car. True story.

      Flowers are the A-Bomb of gifts for women. They do the job, but don’t overuse it. You might destory the world if you do.

  8. sweetopiagirl says:

    Reblogged this on Inspiredweightloss.

  9. I LOVE roses I could paint and draw them forever and never get bored. I would overdose on flowers! LOL. Nice article!

    • mooselicker says:

      The only flowers I ever drew were with those old “smelly crayons” from the late 90s. I’d make them real pretty and have them smell horrible. It was a nice little Trojan Horse for my enemies.

  10. Emily He says:

    I have never gotten flowers from any guy, or girl for that matter. I did get a cactus from one of my students recently though. I was nearly moved to tears.

    Next time you give your girlfriend a flower, you should get her a plant-flower. They don’t need lots of watering, not much sunlight and it’s basically a house plant with colorful things sprouting in the middle, a good combination of plant and flower. Some sort of desert plant? I have no idea what they’re called, but they’re pretty (I got some for my mom’s birthday. I’m a good daughter.)

  11. Plants are my livelihood so I have to agree to disagree on this one (which I think is your intention, anyways). Also, 2 of my 3 names are plants, so I was destined to be a landscape designer. My favorite plants are Euphorbias, which are strange type of cactuses. They’re also often poisonous. AND used in potions. Plants are amazing!

    • mooselicker says:

      I grew up near Princeton so maybe it’s all the Ivy Leaguers that steer me against plants. Your college division is named after an overgrown weed. How is that smart?

      I’m taking a guess that your name is Rose Lilac Jones

      • Not an Ivy Leager – two degrees from UT@ Austin. More of a third-coaster. Although most of the profs were from Harvard. A third-coast-Harvard, then. And going to school to draw is immensely fun. Maybe fun beats smarts?

        One of the three is correct. But maybe not in that order. Very good guessing!

  12. stuck in a tree says:

    ughhh for the hundreth time, I did appreciate those flowers lol

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