Flowers & Plants

This is a topic that I can simply write “I don’t get it” and leave it at that. People’s love for flowers and other types of plants. Ficus, cacti, daisies, roses, marijuana leaves, grape vines, poinsettia, none of them make sense to me. Maybe I’m too manly to get it.

I’ll start with flowers because I always do things alphabetically. Just like how I always microwave things for either 1 minute and 20 seconds or for 3 minutes and 52 seconds. I don’t know where these numbers came from. I just have a number phobia.

I’ve only ever gotten flowers for a girl once. She was happy and it was a complete surprise on her birthday. What an amazing boyfriend I am. I drove an hour to her work and showed up with flowers. I deserve an award or something for being so spectacular. I should at least be allowed to sleep around more. I didn’t feel however that the flowers really were all that much appreciated. My girl (I refuse to call her my girlfriend, friends don’t wake up friends with text messages at 5 in the morning to tell them about things that do not involve cool dreams) went on vacation a week later. The flowers went mostly unnoticed. But it was the thought that counted, right? I’ve always thought about getting her flowers. I’m thinking about it right now. I’ve thought about getting YOU flowers too. Yes, you reading this. Here is your thought of flowers. You are welcome. Now reciprocate how you see fit. I have a few suggestions. Most do not involve pants.

(This movie completely turned off from pants and traveling)

The only time I know that flowers are a must is when you are fighting with someone. I think that’s a bit of a cop-out and hack. I’m also very original with ideas so I never do that. Fights are never my fault either. With anybody. Yeah sure, I was checking out your girlfriend. Maybe she shouldn’t have said “excuse me” in such a seductive way after she farted. She was leading me on, bro. How could I not? I don’t know why flowers make up for a fight. If anything that should just remind the girl of what a fuck up you really are. I don’t need some glorified pieces of grass to remind a girl that I screwed up. I’m going to screw up again and soon. That’ll remind her.

Flowers can be pretty. That might be the gayest thing I’ve ever admitted. Have I ever admitted that I think a younger Kiefer Sutherland is very handsome? No? Okay now at least that’s the gayest thing I have ever stated publicly. Flowers being pretty is just our way of saying that colorful things are attractive. A box of crayons should be able to do the same trick when you think about it. They have 64 different colors. Flowers have like what, 12 tops? This Valentine’s Day, I’m getting my Valentine a box of Crayolas.

(If I were gay I’d be wishing that cigarette was something else)

I would like to now move onto plants. I rarely remember ever having house plants in my home as a younger boy. There were flowers a lot because my dad was always fucking up. His mistake was probably never buying house plants for us. I’ve down my fair share of house sitting and the most annoying part of it is watering the house plants. I can handle cleaning out a stinky litter box or cleaning shit off a dog’s back. Watering a creepy green plant is different. It can’t even talk back to me or give me a hug. Except for the Venus Fly Trap from the Little Shop of Horrors, plants are pretty lame. They need to make wise cracks to entertain me.

Not only do plants draw in angry from within my soul, they also attract bugs. Plants grow on the outside for a reason. Bringing them inside goes against everything nature has taught us. Whenever I’m in a home with a potted plant I always feel the need to shove it down. I like breaking things and it being a plant’s home makes it even better.

While I’m at it, I’m not really that into trees or bushes. I like them a lot more though. Trees provide me with oxygen and bushes provide me with a wall from the cops whenever I need to urinate outside. I learned the hard way in 4^th grade that you should always pee on a bush when peeing outside. You never know when a giant gust of wind will come along and make your piss look like the string to a kite. Trees and bushes are larger plants to me. I should probably hate them more, but nobody outside of Paul Bunyan has ever given his wife a tree to say he’s sorry.

What is it with this flower fad? That’s what I keep hoping it is. Just a fad. You give them to people for sympathy after someone dies. Then the flowers die and now you have two dead things in your life. It seems like a vicious cycle. Mark this down as another thing I do not understand about females. Their love of flowers isn’t nearly as strange as a few other things they’re into. Why can’t girls all like the same type of guy? I hear so much more from them that someone is too tall, too short, too fat, too skinny, too dirty, too clean, too serious, too funny, too attractive, too muscular, too tough, too much of a pussy, too into himself, too low in his self-opinion, too talented, too wealthy, too much like their last boyfriend, too different from their last boyfriend, etc. Be more like us guys ladies. I’m attracted to 75% of the females age 18-35 that I see. Make it 18-40 and it only drops to 74%. I blame all of this on flowers and plants. My inability to know what a woman wants. How I should change myself to be liked like you. I can’t be “just be myself.” That’s too mean and cruel. This world isn’t ready for the next Ted Bundy. I need to hide those demons and become the sweet flower giving man who I pretend to be.

They also killed everyone in the movie “The Happening.” I know I didn’t spoil it for you. M. Night did that well enough.

(“I got it, the bad guys are leaves!” – Some one trick pony)