We all have a mortal enemy. Some of us haven’t met him or her yet. Most of will marry that person. It’s a cruel joke played on us by the Universe. I like having villains in my life. It makes me feel more like Batman, the guy who I insisted that I would grow up to be like. I never liked Superman. His villains were a bald high school rival and a “bizarre” version of himself. It always made me think of Seinfeld. I can’t root for a Jewish superhero. I’m sorry, I don’t think Moyle Boy is a great idea.

Right now I don’t know who my mortal enemy is. I’ve crushed all of my previous ones. I never really had a high school rival or anything similar to that. Nobody wanted to be good at the things I excelled in. The “Being Ignored” and “Not Getting Laid” teams had little competition on them. It’s a dark time when you don’t have a natural rival.

If I go big picture, I have tons of enemies. All Japanese people. I still haven’t forgiven them for their actions during the Revolutionary War. They could have easily helped us Americans out. No, we had to rely on the French. The Japanese are a bunch of unhelpful perverts. Another enemy I have are all of the terrorists in the world. The towel on the head kind and the cyber kind. I don’t like the towel kind because I hate people who waste laundry items. 9/11 didn’t help them either. The cyber kind annoy me because what they do is hack into my Myspace account and spam my friends. There’s no telling what they’ve done to my Myspace by now. I haven’t been on it in close to 40 years! Margin of error 37 years.

Locally there are some enemies in my own country. Politicians, neighbors, slow-moving gas station attendants; they’re all almost as bad as terrorists. I’m sure some of them are terrorists. Politicians are villainous because they tell me how to run my life. They don’t own me. They can’t tell me what I do with my body. If I want a belly button piercing, I will get a belly button piercing. I guess that isn’t a hot button issue in Washington, but I would like to make it one. Men should never have their belly buttons pierced. I don’t think they should ever even call it a belly button. It should just be stomach vagina. My neighbors are villainous for much for volatile reasons. The people above me are loud and yell every Sunday at each other. One says they’re leaving for good now and an hour later the mean woman is on her balcony cursing on her cell phone. We seriously can’t be the same species as those people. My other neighbors never pick up after their dogs and let one of their dogs run around without a leash. We’re in an apartment complex with a road in front of us. There are a lot of gang members in the area hence a lot of speedy drivers. Show some love for your 5 pound dog and tie a shoe lace around its neck if you’re so poor because your giant TV cost too much. Gas station attendants are not nearly as awful as I had thought they were now that I think about politicians and my neighbors. They’re actually polite for the most part. Scratch them off the list of villains in my life and replace them with cashiers that don’t ask me how I am. I look forward to saying “Good” to a strange. Lies are fun.

Still, there are no villains in the world right now that we can really celebrate the death of. I guess the most evil man alive would be Kim Jong-Il. Or maybe it’s the “president” of Iran who doesn’t think there are any gay people in his country. How ugly are the men in Iran that none are attracted to each other? Open up a LA Fitness and I guarantee you that he’ll finally open up his eyes and see a lot of GayRanians.

I remember the night that Osama Bin Laden died. Everyone was so happy and it made me think, where is the line that we can celebrate someone being shot in the face? I was as happy as the next guy (unless the next guy was Osama), but all my life I’ve been made to believe that life is precious no matter whose life it is. Everyone I knew believed it. Then we were all so ecstatic when The Notorious O.B.L. got his retina blown out. I guess that’s the ultimate sign of a villain. When your morals are completely turned upside down. We need more villains in this world. When you think about it, they bring us closer together in the end. So go out there and create havoc and Anarchy. Your death might inspire handshakes among those who thought they were enemies when really you were the one we all despised.

(This is a real picture that I managed to capture on CNN the night OBL was killed. I found it hilarious)

“The enemies of my friends are the friends of my enemies of the friends that are my friends of my enemies who are not my enemies of my friends.” – A Famous Quote

Comments
  1. Pete Howorth says:

    Haha I love this post, I don’t really have any nemesis’ anymore either. Not like Hiro Nakamura and Daphne were in Heroes anyway, there are people who annoy me but not to the level of nemesis, not all bad it makes life less stressful when you don’t have to constantly plot revenge.

    I did have one at my former work, I hated him but in the end, he moved to a different department and I was fired, now I try my hardest to mess with the people that got rid of me.

    A lot of the worlds real villains are dead these days, Hussein, Bin Laden, Gaddafi. But there will always be someone else. The war on terror will never be won, its like a war on nightmares or a war on unicorns, sounds good in theory but something impossible to achieve

    • mooselicker says:

      Whenever I try to make an enemy now everyone stops and says “Don’t be mean!” How is wanting to be a hero mean? The only way to really become a hero is to defeat your enemy. I can’t be my own worst enemy. Suicide isn’t heroic unless you dive on a grenade but even then that goes completely off topic.

      You also can’t have the same enemy for too long. Eventually you end up joining forces.

      • Pete Howorth says:

        Unless you really hate them, what’s wrong with being the villain anyway, you don’t have the constant need for people to like you then, I wish I was Lex Luthor.

  2. Lisa says:

    Omg. So funny. I like your logic. We need villains to bring us closer just like in all the disaster movies, just like 9/11. When the disaster is over and forgotten we always go back to hating each other. And so it goes…..

    • mooselicker says:

      There’s been times that I’m out somewhere and some maniac is doing something weird. I’ll make eye contact with the other sane person in the room and we’ll smile at the crazy buffoon. That’s kind of the same thing. We need somewhere to get our aggressive rage out. Usually it’s on our enemies.

  3. robpixaday says:

    Hahahahaaaa~
    Until I read this I thought I was mortal-enemy-less (with the exception of people who smile with their mouths so far open the Titanic could sail through and bring that iceberg along for the ride).
    Thank you: Now nearly everyone is my enemy!
    My cup of vitriol runneth over!!
    LOL!!!!!

    And that picture is brilliant.

  4. “How ugly are the men in Iran that none are attracted to each other? Open up a LA Fitness and I guarantee you that he’ll finally open up his eyes and see a lot of GayRanians.” Hilarious!

    Personally, my enemies are as follows:

    • mooselicker says:

      Hahaha I was never much into Captain Planet. I had to look up who they were. They should bring that show back though. It seems like it would be more relevant now that people don’t use plastic and only eat tofu which I think is plastic.

  5. Lily says:

    Hahah all Japanese people. Makes sense. I have Japanese cousins and it makes me really uneasy. They were never fond of me, nor I of them. Enemies from birth. If GayRanians are anything like gaysians, They would probably be my new favorite race.

  6. I wonder if Notorious O.B.L. had life insurance?

  7. I had numerous nemesis’ when I was younger and it’s amazing how you look back and realise how pathetic it all was at school.

    The difference between Iranian/Persian men and women is startling. The blokes are all hairy and angry looking yet the women are often stunning.

    Your point about cheering the death of Bin Laden is an interesting one. When I see Americans cheering their local football/hockey teams they chant “USA! USA! USA!” whilst jumping up and down. When I see Americans cheering on their athletes and teams in International competitions they are chanting “USA! USA! USA!” as they jump up and down. When Bin Laden was killed they were… doing the same thing!

    It’s weird ‘cos sports fans over here in the UK have rivalries going back centuries, especially when it comes to football teams. In Scotland many Rangers and Celtic fans actually hate each other because of the protestant vs catholic backgrounds to their teams. It’s similar with other local teams around the country and each side may have dozens of songs and chants that will be used to celebrate victory.

    Some of the rivalries will pre-date the sport itself by centuries. The fanaticism some people have is disturbing.

    • mooselicker says:

      I only started a USA chant once. It was the night Bush declared war on Iraq. I was at a hockey game maybe 20 minutes outside of NYC. I think it’s too perfect of an abbreviation for us to not chant. We love our country, but even more we love our loud obnoxious chants in initial form.

      I also agree about the Persians. Some of their women are so beautiful. The men, not so much. Maybe that’s why they force them to cover their faces. They don’t want us American and English men sweeping in there with our cheeseburgers and ice cream treats taking the good ones away.

  8. Bothered says:

    This post was extremely funny. I loved, ” We all have a mortal enemy.Some of us haven’t met him or her yet. Most of us will marry that person. It’s a cruel joke played on us by the Universe.’ Oh how true. You are wise beyond your years my friend. I have to go now and put on my super hero custom, and fight evil wherever I see it. Right now I have insidous trash to move outside. It was left for me by my nemesis, “Wonder Woman.” I call her that because I wonder why I ever married her. Thanks for a good laugh, and a brightening of my day.

    • mooselicker says:

      I don’t know if being so “bothered” at such a young age is a good thing. You seem happy–enough. Maybe it’s not such a bad road I’m on.

      Your nemesis seems evil. I hope she doesn’t use her incredibly screeching voice for nagging purposes. Or makes you go to her friend’s evil lair where they gossip about people you don’t know.

      She keeps her friends close but her enemies even closer or so it would appear.

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