Holidays & Suicidal Tendencies

Posted: December 14, 2011 in Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , , , , ,

Christmas, the most wonderful time of year. I know it’s not specifically Christmas. Chanukah is also part of the most wonderful time of year. I don’t consider Chanukah very wonderful though. It’s a celebration of not running out of oil for 8 days. My car can only last about 5 before I have to fill up my tank. If my car got better gas mileage than maybe I would understand Chanukah a little bit more. And why am I spelling it Chanukah? I’m used to Hanukkah. I don’t get it. Why two spellings? I’m sure it has something to do with translations, but why not make up your mind? Oye Vey! I hate indecisiveness.

This is the first holiday season that I’m feeling terrible about it. I never used to get those jokes about Christmas Suicides. I always thought it was funny because who would ever kill themselves on Christmas? It’s such a happy day. You get presents and time with your family. The older I get, the lonelier I get. The lonelier I get, the less people I have in my life. The less people I have in my life, the angrier I become. Skip forward a few more cause and effects and we got to the point of feeling the holiday blues. I totally get this now. Most holidays I feel pretty bummed out myself. They’re not the same as they used to be when I was younger. Now they feel forced. Almost as if the family is trying to recapture the wonderful moments of ignorance we had when there were children involved. It’s killing me inside to continue to pretend that I believe in Santa. But I’m doing it for the family. I want to keep this magic going. The second I admit I know the truth they’ll make me bathe myself. I have short arms. There’s no way I can cover every inch of my body with these things.

(Sometimes I forget I have arms, they’re so short. I really should just have hands that shoot out of my shoulders like this guy)

It’s not necessarily the holidays in general that I think bum people out. December is pretty gloomy itself. It’s dark by 4:30 and starts to become cold. This would make anyone with a heart depressed. Being alone on the holidays is something that I know I will have to endure at some point in my life. It’s slightly scary but I know that I’m not alone in that. At some point we all have to spend the important holidays alone. Unless you’re a Siamese twin. I’ll bet that a Siamese twin never reads this. When I say Siamese twin, I also mean that both their legs have to hit the ground. I don’t count the ones with someone attached to their forehead as Siamese twins. As Doug Stanhope said, they’re people with midgets attached to them. I’m sure you know the TLC whore I’m talking about. You’re probably more confused as to what a TLC whore is. It’s someone who is on the channel TLC way too much. Usually they’re freaks.

(You monster)

My holiday woes are simple. I have to be in too many places at one time. Don’t tell me to go out and rent “Four Christmases” so I can have something to relate to. Reese Witherspoon hasn’t been cute in years and Vince Vaughn hasn’t been funny in centuries.

(“Vince Vaughn, very funny.” – Caveman, 10,001 B.C.)

There isn’t an extensive travel list that I have to go through. It’s just that I have to travel at all that bothers me. Christmases past I wouldn’t have to go anywhere. I liked those years. I would go into the front yard and play catch with my dad with my new football. Or if I didn’t get a football we’d play catch with one of my sister’s gifts. This year I’ll be at every corner of New Jersey over the weekend. I’ll be traveling 500 miles total in 3 days. I know, I thought New Jersey was pretty small too. I could probably get to the Carolinas for that mileage. I don’t know what I’d do there. Visit Raleigh? Get away with a hate crime?

The more I think about it there are Christmas images that beg us to all kill ourselves. Wreathes look like green nooses. Angels are everywhere and that’s what we turn into when we die. Look how cute most of those angels are! I want to be one of them. Then there’s that whole random Jesus aspect thrown into Christmas. I don’t get it either. Jesus is such a deathly image. He’s always on a cross looking like he’s in agony. We used to have one of those hanging above our house phone in my childhood home. Then we found out that we were the only family in the world that still used a landline so we threw it in the garbage disposal. I’m kidding. It was the trash. No way in hell would we have a landline but be able to afford a garbage disposal.

I’ve never known anyone to kill themselves around Christmas. Most suicides I know of happen around Thanksgiving. I never got that. That’s like killing yourself on a Monday. There’s still time. There’s still hope. Tuesday and Wednesday are the perfect days to kill yourself. All hope of having a good week might be gone and you’re too far away from a fresh start. If I ever killed myself it would be on a Tuesday at midnight. That’s called suicidal compromise. I would not do it around Thanksgiving either. Thanksgiving makes me hopeful of having a good Christmas. I already know this year will be pretty lame (how can it not be lousy with that attitude?) but that’s okay. Whether or not my Christmas is good or if I go into it with a negative attitude, it’ll happen. All over the world children will be eager and wake up early. I’ll probably rise around 10 in the morning and won’t talk to anyone until noon. Maybe a neighbor. And what would I even say to them? “Merry Christmas I don’t know you.” That’s exactly what I will say. Christmas has no boundaries when it comes to wishing someone to have a merry one. You don’t have to know a person to wish them luck. Maybe that’s what it’s all about. Connecting with others. Making someone feel special. Smiling for no reason other than the fact that you have something in this world.

I wrote this hoping to complain about how much I am not excited about Christmas this year. Instead I found its true meaning. Not worrying about how it will turn out. It’s still Christmas whether it’s a good day or not. That’s all that’s important. That it happens. Good, bad, or neutral. Christmas is coming. Don’t kill yourself until after it sucks.

(I’ll need a lot of acid if I want my Christmas to look a thing like this. Although Bunsen does remind me of my Grandma)

“Merry Christmas to all and to all a good fight!” – What Michael Buffer should say if there’s ever a big Christmas boxing match

  1. Lisa says:

    As you get older and the facade begins to break down it starts to feel forced. So many crazy expectations. When I was growing up my family always fought, ALWAYS. To this day I have a little Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome when we get the lights out for the tree and their all tangled up. Same with gift wrapping, meal preparation, hanging out with relatives, etc.
    Lots of expectations = family fights.
    Now we just hide out with all the other depressed, shell shocked people at the movie theatre. It’s a good place to hide and avoid people.
    Good times! Merry Christmas!!

    • mooselicker says:

      The only time my mom ever would yell at me it would involve Christmas lights or Christmas trees. I think every mom has gotten a little too caught up in Christmas at some point trying to make it so much more special for their kids and take their rage out in the wrong place. Glad to know I don’t come from the only family who fights about holiday decorations!

  2. I think your holidays would be much more enjoyable and you would be an overall happier person if your parents surprised you with one of these underneath the slowly dying Christmas tree.
    Perhaps they could spring for the matching drum T-shirt for your sister?

    • mooselicker says:

      Clothes for Christmas? Yuck! My best birthday gifts were a new pair of shoes and an air purifier. I need something fun for Christmas.

      My mom was always about making us match, especially on the holidays. The girls could wear red and the boys could wear green. Now everything I own is black. I wonder why…

  3. Lily says:

    Is it wrong that I know that dinosaur is from the disney movie “Meet the Robinsons”? No one should know that. Not to be weird, but I love our family fights. For some reason I love controversy. Not being a part of it, per se, but just watching things erupt. Christmas definitely gets more and more depressing. Actually once I found out Santa wasn’t real, there was nothing to live for. Why should I be nice if Santa doesn’t even exist and I will get everything I want any way? Depressing.

    • mooselicker says:

      Very sad. Just remembering that that movie ever existed is shame enough.

      My family is very small. It’s impossible to stay out of the fights. You can’t mind your own business and not be met with a left hook. We’re not really fighters as much as we are manipulating backstabbers who talk behind each other’s backs. That’s the Irish for ya.

  4. So you’re shaped like Giada de Laurentiis? Well, you didn’t say you had a huge head, too. Just t-rex arms. Now, don’t go adding that do your list of things to get depressed about. Her grandfather, Dino, produced Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure. Does that make you feel a *little* better? I’m feeling bleh about the holidays, too. It’s in the water.

    • mooselicker says:

      My head used to be gigantic. I would have to wear a special helmet for baseball. I actually stopped growing when I was 13. I was always in the back row in school pictures and slowly but surely was passed by others. My arms aren’t actually that small as much as they lack flexibility. I drink lots of water so it probably is something in there. I also don’t have cable so I can’t enjoy corny Christmas specials or killer Santa Claus movies all day long like I used to.

  5. mindwarpfx says:

    I got mine off a msn search of dino pic’s. But what ever works, and we who use the pic’s, like-em. It is that, or you were looking over may shoulders again? I get this strange feelings some times, I look and nothing. Was hoping that some times someone would be there. So I could kick there butt! But would then be gulity if it was may mom sneeking around the house again. Don’t you love fam that comes over for Christmas? All the best!

    • mooselicker says:

      I work with half of my family so I see them every day. The other half are all over 50. One of them is dating a 20 year old. I don’t know if that’s good DNA or creepy.

  6. Chanukah reminded me of the Tanuki Mario suit in Mario Bros 3 for some reason.

    Christmas is definitely the biggest anti-climax of the year. All that guild up and you are fed up with everyone by lunchtime on the big day itself.

    New Years Eve is also the worst night to go out and get drunk on.

    • Lisa says:

      I agree that New Years can be even worse. Welcoming the new year with a bunch of drunkards, knowing that the coming year will be worse than the last….SOOO depressing.

      • The drunkards bit is fine (I tend to get completely smashed when I go out) but it’s the hype and buildup that kills NYE. That and the fact the prices go up so much.

        I often stay in and have a few craft tins on my own.

    • mooselicker says:

      New Years I used to love because it would be staying up all night watching movies and eating the most unhealthy foods on the planet. Now I’m too scared to go anywhere because of all the drunk drivers. Last year I went into Philadelphia and watched them shoot fireworks off. It was better than sitting around at some stranger’s house party trying to communicate with a deaf kid like I did the year before.

      Christmas always feels like two days. There’s before lunch and after. The before was always the best because we still have great expectations (not the terrible book of the same name). After lunch is like a Sunday night before school starts again Monday. You know it’s never going to get as good as it is now. And that ruins the moment.

      Christ I’m a downer.

  7. The worst things seem to happen in this period. Not suicides but people having accidents and being killed and such things. And then we would celebrate Jesus’ birth? We’d better pray for sun to the sun god.

  8. Lisa says:

    Forget the birth of Jesus, my life is so bad that I’m actually looking forward to and hanging my hopes on the second coming. I’m with Michael, eating lots soothes my weary soul.

  9. cat. says:

    I hear you … loud and clear … and right you are! X-Mas suicides? Yes, they do happen … and attempts even more. I work on a psych ward, trying to give love and hope to the lost, poor souls that survived. X-Mas is a cruel time for many people. Excellent blog though. Wishing you all the best for the New Year. Love, cat.

  10. breezyk says:

    great, uplifting post. You’ve certainly inspired me to say “Merry Christmas, I don’t know you” to someone today!!

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