I was going to post a really long story about my testicles. I thought the better of it. You don’t need that much information about me, unless you beg.

South paw. Penpusher. The hand of Satan. Scumbag. Left handed people go by only a few different names. I should probably start this off by saying that I am right-handed. By being right-handed, my chances of getting into Heaven have automatically increased. I would have not only survived the Salem Witch trials but also Nazi Germany. Lefties have had it rough throughout history. They’re one group of people who are still okay to kill for no damned reason.

I’ve met a few left-handed people. It always creeps me out and looks like they’re doing something wrong. Really, find someone who is left-handed. They look like they’re faking it. Whenever they try to throw something they look like they’re about to fall over. Take Randy Johnson for instance. He’s a lefty. Look how silly he throws.

(I couldn’t find a good video of him other than when he explodes the bird. I don’t like violence against animals. You’ll have to take my word for it that this giant pelican moves funny)

That giant bird necked creep really needs to poached. What an ugly man. If I was really tall I would by the most amazing athlete ever. I’d make sure I was handsome too. Every girl would want me. I’d be able to have one stand on another’s shoulders and we can have some sort of weird threesome. It’s a good thing I’m of average height. With my luck the girls would topple over and one would die and the other would be paralyzed. How do I explain this to the cops?

I think I read somewhere that Abraham Lincoln was left-handed. This explains his Emancipation Proclamation. Lincoln was a known racist. On his Emancipation Proclamation, he had two boxes to check. One that said “Free the Slaves” and another that said “Let ‘em Pick Cotton.” Because he was a lefty, his hand couldn’t properly grip a right-handed pencil. He checked the wrong box and freed the slaves. So don’t think of Lincoln as the guy who changed the world. Think of him as the guy who was a clumsy lefty.

(“Look at me I’m Abraham Lincoln. I can’t even put my bow tie on straight. I’m such a klutzy lefty.” – Abraham Lincoln’s original opening to the Gettysburg Address

I had a kid on one of my baseball teams who was left-handed. He also had red hair. Girls still liked him! That’s what I call progression as a people. He had two things heinously incorrect about him. If his parents knew, they might have gotten an abortion. I remember seeing him on the first day of 6th grade. We were in a new school and I didn’t know too many people. I waved and said “Hi Matt!” He looked away like he didn’t know who I was. Now I understand why. He had the hand and the hair of the devil. I’m lucky that ignoring our friendship was all he did.

One girl I dated was left-handed. That was a big mistake. She said that it would come in “handy” later on whenever she would give me a “handy.” As crazy as she was, this made sense somehow. We could diddle each other with our strong hands at the same time. We never got a chance to try it out because she found someone else. Probably someone left-handed. Good. You two monsters can share your genetic mutation together. Freaks.

(My ex with her new boyfriend, Cyclops)

I’ve heard before that lefties are more creative. I don’t believe this to be true. I’ve met plenty of right-handed people who could trump any lefty in creativity. Lefties are supposed to be smart because they use the right side of their brain. I think this is some sort of lie created by the Illuminati, all of whom are left-handed. The only thing a normal person should use their left hand for is wiping their ass. Then they should shake hands immediately after with left-handed people because lefties are disgusting.

For a time my parents and teachers thought that I was ambidextrous. For those of you who skipped 8th grade vocabulary, it means able to use both hands. My mom used that as an excuse when I was in 3rd grade for why a lot my art projects looked like shit. She insisted to the teacher that I was always using my left hand for things. Do you know what I use my left hand for now? Rubbing my right hand in praise because how great it is. My right hand does everything for me. Yes, EVERYTHING! It deserves some praise. Unlike lefties.

  1. mindwarpfx says:

    The true freeks are the ambidextrous people. Just show off’s though. “See! I can do it with both hands just as good!” I can do some things as well with both hands like the one finger bird! I use it to point out things, like a point of a story in the paper. ” You see this one here!” People look at me funny I just say… I let the bird do the talking. Great post.

    • mooselicker says:

      I think my grandma does that. I remember thinking she was subtly telling me that she hated me. I’d go more into jokes about fingers but I already wrote a future blog about them. Yeah, exciting.

  2. Lily says:

    Lefties really have a hard life. Deservingly so, but a hard life nonetheless. Lefthanded note books are weird, scissors don’t work for them, and they can’t write in ink because it would get all over their hand. Life struggles. My bro is left handed. He’s definitely more creative. But I’m the one with a blog, so I guess that makes me…more annoying?

    • mooselicker says:

      I like that the only things they can’t do are things that no normal person above 10 ever does. There are lefthanded scissors out there and whatnot. I’m sure they cost more, like all diet items. The only thing I ever cut are foo’s who be hatin’ on me. I can do it with either hand too.

  3. Lisa says:

    Congratulating yourself for being right handed? Don’t forget to congratulate yourself for being a white male. One of my children, who shall remain nameless, I’ll just say their name rhymes with silly, congratulated herself when she was around 10 years old for being the fastest sperm to get to the egg for fertilization. Definitely something to be proud of. It’s like our very first competition in life and we should recognize how awesome we are that we beat out a million other sperm. We come into this world as winners. Obviously we have so much to be proud of…..so very much.

  4. Let’s all rip off our left hands.

  5. breezyk says:

    I’m a lefty, and admittedly look extremely awkward doing most things. My mom, for example, can’t watch me do anything involving scissors/a knife/ any kind of tool without grabbing it from my hands and offering to do it herself…. it’s not my fault though, I blame constantly being forced to use things developed for right-handed people. Seriously, I need more Ned Flanders and his lefty store in my life.

    • mooselicker says:

      That Simpsons episode always bothered me. Was everyone in the town left-handed? I thought it was maybe 10% of the population at most. Or maybe I’m thinking of gays. But anyway, they had way too many left-handed people.

      This is what I’ve come to complaining about. The accuracy of a cartoon where the white people are yellow and have four fingers.

  6. Pete Howorth says:

    I’m left handed and being the hand of Satan isn’t so bad, it has its perks.

    So what if I can’t use a fountain pen? That’s what biro’s were made for! I tried making myself ambidextrous but it just looks like a 4 year olds written it when done with my right =/

    • mooselicker says:

      Maybe I was too harsh on all of you left-handed creeps. I wonder if in China where they write from right to left that it’s not so bad for them. Righties are the ones smearing all the ink. Chinese are so advanced.

  7. robpixaday says:


    Yes, you guessed it: I’m one of the “sinisters.” Lefty. Life in this right-handed world is tough for us. I’d whine about it but “righties” don’t care and “lefties” already know.

    LOL…seriously……………………….this is a very very very funny post. Made me laugh right off the left-handedly-swung bat.


    • mooselicker says:

      You’re a painter or at least you draw…that’s a typical lefty thing to do besides play first base. I am glad my insults about how silly you lefties look wasn’t taken the wrong way. I’m even more glad that we don’t burn you guys anymore.

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