I was going to post a really long story about my testicles. I thought the better of it. You don’t need that much information about me, unless you beg.
South paw. Penpusher. The hand of Satan. Scumbag. Left handed people go by only a few different names. I should probably start this off by saying that I am right-handed. By being right-handed, my chances of getting into Heaven have automatically increased. I would have not only survived the Salem Witch trials but also Nazi Germany. Lefties have had it rough throughout history. They’re one group of people who are still okay to kill for no damned reason.
I’ve met a few left-handed people. It always creeps me out and looks like they’re doing something wrong. Really, find someone who is left-handed. They look like they’re faking it. Whenever they try to throw something they look like they’re about to fall over. Take Randy Johnson for instance. He’s a lefty. Look how silly he throws.
(I couldn’t find a good video of him other than when he explodes the bird. I don’t like violence against animals. You’ll have to take my word for it that this giant pelican moves funny)
That giant bird necked creep really needs to poached. What an ugly man. If I was really tall I would by the most amazing athlete ever. I’d make sure I was handsome too. Every girl would want me. I’d be able to have one stand on another’s shoulders and we can have some sort of weird threesome. It’s a good thing I’m of average height. With my luck the girls would topple over and one would die and the other would be paralyzed. How do I explain this to the cops?
I think I read somewhere that Abraham Lincoln was left-handed. This explains his Emancipation Proclamation. Lincoln was a known racist. On his Emancipation Proclamation, he had two boxes to check. One that said “Free the Slaves” and another that said “Let ‘em Pick Cotton.” Because he was a lefty, his hand couldn’t properly grip a right-handed pencil. He checked the wrong box and freed the slaves. So don’t think of Lincoln as the guy who changed the world. Think of him as the guy who was a clumsy lefty.
(“Look at me I’m Abraham Lincoln. I can’t even put my bow tie on straight. I’m such a klutzy lefty.” – Abraham Lincoln’s original opening to the Gettysburg Address
I had a kid on one of my baseball teams who was left-handed. He also had red hair. Girls still liked him! That’s what I call progression as a people. He had two things heinously incorrect about him. If his parents knew, they might have gotten an abortion. I remember seeing him on the first day of 6th grade. We were in a new school and I didn’t know too many people. I waved and said “Hi Matt!” He looked away like he didn’t know who I was. Now I understand why. He had the hand and the hair of the devil. I’m lucky that ignoring our friendship was all he did.
One girl I dated was left-handed. That was a big mistake. She said that it would come in “handy” later on whenever she would give me a “handy.” As crazy as she was, this made sense somehow. We could diddle each other with our strong hands at the same time. We never got a chance to try it out because she found someone else. Probably someone left-handed. Good. You two monsters can share your genetic mutation together. Freaks.
(My ex with her new boyfriend, Cyclops)
I’ve heard before that lefties are more creative. I don’t believe this to be true. I’ve met plenty of right-handed people who could trump any lefty in creativity. Lefties are supposed to be smart because they use the right side of their brain. I think this is some sort of lie created by the Illuminati, all of whom are left-handed. The only thing a normal person should use their left hand for is wiping their ass. Then they should shake hands immediately after with left-handed people because lefties are disgusting.
For a time my parents and teachers thought that I was ambidextrous. For those of you who skipped 8th grade vocabulary, it means able to use both hands. My mom used that as an excuse when I was in 3rd grade for why a lot my art projects looked like shit. She insisted to the teacher that I was always using my left hand for things. Do you know what I use my left hand for now? Rubbing my right hand in praise because how great it is. My right hand does everything for me. Yes, EVERYTHING! It deserves some praise. Unlike lefties.