Posted: December 16, 2011 in Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , , , , ,

I know it’s been done to death. I am the kind of guy who is willing to beat a dead horse though. Horses do die right? I’ve never seen a dead horse. I’ve seen a lot of dead animals, but never a horse. One time I went to a zoo and noticed behind the zoo a massive graveyard for all of the animals. That was sweet yet really upsetting. At the very least they pretend not to throw the animals in the garbage or sell them at the kiosks as a new flavor of ice cream.

There’s a certain etiquette that one must undergo while using the restroom. Even if a restroom isn’t what you call it, you need to abide by these rules. There are so many names for them that I want to first address that. None of the names are all that accurate either. Restroom doesn’t fit because you don’t really rest much unless you take a long shit. I’ve never fallen asleep while taking a number two. That seems difficult. As titled, some people call it the washroom. I never call it that. That’s why I titled it this. Of course everybody should wash in the room when they are done. Especially employees. They’ve got paper signs to remind them. I still don’t think it’s an accurate enough of a name. It completely overlooks the fact that before washing everything is very messy and sticky. Bathroom is what I tend to call it even when there is no bath present. You could always splash a little water on your face then look in the mirror to psyche yourself up for the date, but that’s not really a bath. For it to be a bath you need to be able to lie in it and possibly slit your wrists if you had a bad day. A sink doesn’t qualify. I remember in The Diary of Anne Frank she called it the W.C. I forget what that stands for (Wanking Chamber?) but with her luck I would never take advice from her on anything. I also heard someone call it the powder room before. I don’t know where she came up with that. Not since Victorian England was powdering your face the most important thing that went on. Perhaps she was a time traveler? The most simplest thing I’ve heard the room called is simply as the toilet. People say they need to use the toilet. Maybe this is the best thing to say. Not toilet always, but say exactly what it is you need to do. I need to pee. I need to poop. I need to pee and poop because if I do one I can’t do the other please do not make fun it is a serious medical condition.

For the sake of this blog here, I will try to call the room as many things as I possibly can so that all bases are covered. You’re welcome.

I go to the bathroom quite a bit. I drink tons of water. A high school boy once compared me to a lizard. They drink lots of water? I average at least one session an hour. Rarely do I not have to wake up once in the middle of the night to go. You might say I need to get my prostate checked out but like I said, I drink a lot of water. Probably close to two gallons a day. I’ve done this for about 5 years now. I remember old advertisements saying that drinking water will make you happy. It doesn’t. I’m very miserable. Then the advertisements come back and say that water will help your skin. Right now I’m using cream from my sister to help eczema on the left side of my neck and on each of my arms. What has drinking lots of water given me that’s positive? Lots of time spent in the bathroom, that’s what.

First off to understand this, you will need to know some science. Humans are made up of two different genders, males and chicks. Both of these genders must remove waste from their bodies through their front genitals, which differ from each other, and from their butts. The waste will vary in sizes, but you already know that. You’re human. Dogs cannot read. And if they could, they surely wouldn’t be reading this. They use the W.C. outside. They don’t need to know about washroom etiquette.

I can only really speak from my experiences from the men’s room and not the ladies. I have in fact spent some time in the lady’s room though when I was younger. I remember being at the mall with my mom and two sisters. It was probably 1991, a dangerous time in the world. Nevermind had just come out, Family Matters was a big hit on television, and Ted Danson was still a sex symbol. There was no way my mom was letting me use the boy’s room alone. So I went into the lady’s room. There were huge lines everywhere. Nobody talked. They just stood patiently waiting to take their turn. It was weird and I haven’t been back in one since. Now I hear they have couches in girl’s bathrooms. No fair! I want somewhere in my bathroom where I can lose a remote control in.

For the first few years of my life I could never use a urinal. I know a few adults that still seem to have this problem. It always makes me laugh now how they have such a shy bladder that they can’t pee next to me while I giggle to intimidate them. I don’t remember the first time I worked up the courage to actually use the urinal, but I remember I felt proud like I had accomplished something important. It might have been the time I was at an amusement park and a janitor said to me “Do you have to pee?” and I said “Yes” then he refused to let me into one of the stalls because he had already cleaned them. I understand he was doing his job, but this was a big strong black man. He probably had nothing to be shy about. I was a chubby 10-year-old boy. I didn’t know if what I was packing could make anyone jealous.

Women cannot understand urinals and how uncomfortable it is. It’s men lined up peeing on walls. This is normal now. Yeah, I scrunch my nose at the thought. It’s weird in such a homophobic society that it’s fine to yank out your dick in front of 30 other guys as long as water’s coming out of it. I know you’re not supposed to look and all. That’s like the number one rule. Still, you know it’s out there. It’s the elephant in the room. Or the elephant trunk in the room if you’re a lucky boy who ate his vegetables and has Haitian genetics.

The first rule about urinals is not to look. That’s simple. It’s a very mafia influenced idea, I think. Another rule that I think that goes without saying is don’t talk. We’re in a weird situation. I don’t want to small talk with you about anything at all. Unless we’re good friends then it’s fine. If I don’t know your middle name, shut the fuck up. We’re peeing. I don’t need to know what you thought about America Idol. A third rule that might not be so obvious to some is that when using the urinal, stand near it. I mentioned him once before and hope to mention him again, the kid with a foot for a hand that I went to elementary school with. My elementary school had bathrooms in the classrooms, until you got to 5th grade or if you were in the special education classrooms. Foothand was special ed. Really good at soccer too because he was allowed to punch it into the net. When he’d use the urinal, he’d completely drop his pants and stand against the back wall. He’d actually be able to pee a good 5 foot distance and hit his target. Damn. If that isn’t a talent that will make him some money at a circus. He has a foot for a hand and can pee far. In another world, I’d pay to see that. He reminded me of a fourth rule too. Don’t drop your pants. If your pants disable you from having a fly, go use a stall. I might think you have a shy bladder or some disease, but who cares? That’s better than everyone seeing your ass hanging out. Next time I see this, I’m dropping a penny down there.

One more rule. Don’t eat while at the urinal. A Spanish guy at my work stood up at the urinal next to me while eating a bag of chips. He dumped them into his mouth because only one hand was free. Chips are a delicious snack. As delicious as they are, I still think it’s possible to wait until after peeing to taste. Just a thought. Maybe this is some sort of Spanish tradition though. Like dancing with roses in your mouth. That has to confuse some children. Shit. Only one person will get this but maybe that’s why the kid in Season 4 of Breaking Bad “ate” the poisonous flower, the Lily of the Valley. If you knew the reference here you will know how brilliant I really am.

Further Reading Suggestion: Everybody Poops, Going Rogue and America by Heart by Sara Palin

  1. Lily says:

    Hahah Haitian genetics. I believe W.C. stands for water closet, but I could be totally wrong. When I went on a tour through the war tunnels in Dover, the tour guide made a bad joke about Winston Churchill’s initials being on the bathroom door. It was uncomfortable.
    I think women get couches because we have cramps and couches make life a little easier when you’re ready to stab a spork into your ovaries.
    Whenever I see men peeing in public I ALWAYS look. I don’t know why it fascinates me so much.

  2. Rob Rubin says:

    I have seen a lot of posts today about bathrooms and taking shits. Is Taco Bell giving out free tacos again and I missed it?

  3. Personally I don’t get affected by many of the anxious moments like other blokes do in the bogs.

    I don’t really care which urinal I go in or if someone else is next to me. Same for the cubicles. I don’t worry about other people hearing me. I also don’t really care if someone else doesn’t wash their hands or not, providing they didn’t go swimming in the cistern.

    I am just a Winston Churchill maverick.

    • mooselicker says:

      I think you’re just an alpha male. You fart and drink beer when and where you want to. Maybe that’s not alpha but rather how all English men are. I’m actually researching what makes the English so charming to Americans for something I’m writing. It mostly involves spying on a Welshman I work with. There’s something about that island you guys come from that makes the women crazy.

  4. Lisa says:

    Totally funny! Nice observations. I came from a family of girls so when I had a son it was normal for me to teach him to use the toilet like I did. Hey, what’s wrong with that? I’m sure his wife will thank me one day when there is no pee splatter to clean up. (actually it made me very anxious, was I doing the right thing?) Eventually I learned that this is the European way, very common, so I feel pretty good about it now. I think it should be reversed anyway, men in stalls (less social) and women out in the open so we can chat.

    • mooselicker says:

      Wow that painted an interesting image for me. Women out there with only a small divider between them. I mean really, it could be an option. You gals already go into the bathrooms together. Why put up a door? It’s keeping a friendly conversation away.

  5. Water Closet, Loo, Potty, Bathroom. Although I’ve never said the first two for real. For some reason I announce that I either need to pee or use the potty around my friends’ parents. Instead of sneaking off like a normal person. I announce at dinner or ask where the potty is while chanting in my head “don’t say potty.”

    I have a friend that can’t pee with any one else in the bathroom. Girls also won’t poo with anyone else in there. We hold it and are so angry anyone would take the time to wash their hands or fix their hair while we wait for solitude again. I’m not ashamed to admit this. I’m terrible about using the restroom in public.

    In nice places (is the mall nice?) there are nice chairs for nursing stations. Well, I used them as such. There aren’t many places to quietly nurse a baby in public and to be honest, most bathrooms gross me out, but sometimes you’re better off doing that in there than in the kitchen section.

    • mooselicker says:

      I’m the same way about number 2. I can’t go at work when someone else is in there. I rarely go. Mostly Saturdays. (Hey, today is Saturday!) I’d probably go to one of the private bathrooms though. One time I had to go so bad at work in the middle of the day when it’s busiest so I drove down the street to the Hyatt. I didn’t flush either. That’s the only time I ever did that. I worked a job very temporarily and the guy never paid me. I hope he found my gift.

  6. kickingsport says:

    Totally get the reference – watched that episode only a few days ago! They gunna be making more Breaking Bads?

  7. Pete Howorth says:

    Surely WC stands for Wacky Craps? This is what I was convinced it stood for as a child anyway.

    I hate using public toilets, usually because I need to use them on nights on and every pub I go in there’s always a big black bloke occupying the sink with his array of aftershaves and lollypops.

    He turns the taps on, gives me a squirt of hand wash then gives me a paper towel and he expects him to give him money for something I havent requested?

    “Help a brother out.” He says.

    Throw in 50 pence I get, “That’s not enough.”

    Well fuck you then, ungrateful shit, I’ll have it back. I don’t even know where these people come from, how do people get jobs as someone that sits on a sink all day and sells a squirt of aftershave and hands out papertowels?! Fucking let me piss in peace. It’s gotten to the point where I sometimes don’t even wash my hands. It’s either that or have an argument about not wanting to pay him a pound for him to turn the tap on.

  8. Adair says:

    1. I only watch ‘Oz’ for Christopher, and, I am thankful for the DVR.

    2. Men are envious of the ability of women to bond with an unknown woman in the bathroom.

    3. Penis envy has nothing to do with power, it is totally about bathrooms and the ability to pee anywhere with ease.

    4. If, as a woman, you really have to pee, hope all of the women ahead of you in line have had babies. Moms are much faster for a number of reasons, including knowing you can’t take ling because a 2 year old can burn the garage down in 3 minutes.

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