I would like to talk about a topic that we all enjoy, parties. They’re fun, usually contain a lot of drunks, lots of scandalous sex, and there is always a lot of unnecessary drama. Yep, that’s what the political parties of the United States of America are like.
My readers not living in the U.S. or familiar with how the politics here work, this is a brief summary for you. In this country we have every political party you can think of. Communists, Socialists, The Green Party, Libertarians, politicians who believe that other politicians are really reptiles from outer space disguised as humans, and Independents are allowed over here. None of them ever stand a chance at winning and that’s why everybody in my country complains. None of us would ever seriously vote for one of these third parties unless their name is Ron Paul. I never got the Ron Paul buzz. People like him because he “tells it like it is.” I don’t know. Telling it like it is doesn’t necessarily seem like a good thing from a politician. Doing good things for me sounds a whole let better. I like to be blind and think that there is hope for me after all. I don’t want Obama to come out and say “Listen, you grew up in a middle class family. You’re not really that gifted at much of anything. You’ll probably spend the rest of your life working mediocre jobs and hating that you didn’t try harder in school. Sorry. That’s Capitalism.” That’s a truth that I do not want to accept. That’s why I like my politicians like I like socks, dirty. Why do I like my socks dirty? Because when white socks turn black they look like a pair of black shoes. I don’t like wearing shoes. This allows me to wear only socks in public without getting funny looks. Unless someone looks directly at my feet. Then questions arise.
(You know this isn’t a picture I took because I don’t own anything doily)
Foreigners, also take notice, there are two main political parties in the United States. They are called the Republicans and the Democrats. The Republicans are the more conservative group and the Democrats are the more liberal group. That’s when they make their speeches and promises. Once they get elected, they become moderate, but in a way that none of us seem to like. I believe that most people are moderate with their politics. It’s hard to fully agree 100% with anybody on anything. That’s why politics are tricky.
Lets use make up a fake politician. We’ll call him Barack Bush. Say Barack Bush runs on a platform that he will make abortion legal. People who like abortions will be really happy. But then he also thinks that all chocolate products should be allowed. Barack Bush hates chocolate. Loves abortion, but hates chocolate. Now imagine yourself. You consider yourself a liberal. You think a woman has the right to choice what she does with her body. Even more than that you believe that a woman can get an abortion and then go out for chocolate ice cream afterwards. What do you do? Barack Bush’s opponent, George Obama, is very anti-abortion. He thinks that it’s wrong. He wants to outlaw it. But he loves chocolate. He’s going to spend our money on missiles to build chocolate factories all over the country instead. Low calorie, sugar less chocolate too for you health nuts. You’re faced with a serious decision. Do you want abortions or chocolate? The point of all of this is to let you know that you will never be happy with your decision. You have to sacrifice something with politics. In this case it’s the difficulty choice of abortions or chocolate. I know Meryl Streep had a difficulty decision in Sophie’s Choice, but that does not compare to this fictitious decision that you have to make.
(I would have sex with Meryl Streep)
When I was younger, I always figured that the Republicans were the bad guys and the Democrats were the good guys. A lot of young people feel this way. Republicans are old white men. They remind us of Disney villains or the Emperor from Stars Wars. I swear, for the amount of Star Wars references that I make, it’s not even one of my favorite movies. I didn’t even own a VHS of it when I was a boy. I had a copy that was taped when it aired on Cable. I’d have to fast forward through the commercials and have to deal with that awful sound that would come on whenever music would play. I kind of miss that.
Now that I am older and understand politics even less, I don’t see the Republicans as the bad guys. In a way, I see the Democrats as the bad guys. I always kind of relate it back to professional wrestling in a way. Yes, I’m going to mention Star Wars and the WWE. You’d think I’ve never spoken to a female that wasn’t named “Mom” with this banter. Maybe I don’t need to relate it to wrestling after all. No, I won’t. I’m better than that. But think about this. Aren’t the people who are in charge always the bad guys. In wrestling it’s Vince McMahon. He’s always better as a heel. High school had a principal. Principals are always dicks. Even your job. I’m sure it has a boss. Don’t you love to hate that ass-clown? What’s the meaning of all of this? We learn to hate those with authority over us. When Clinton was the president, Rage Against the Machine was raging against the machine! Then Bush came along and a lot of shitty punk bands came along to whine. I hated George Bush at first and by the end I pitied that fool. He was just a guy who did what he thought was right. I don’t think he was out to screw me. He was a name and a face that could be put out in front of us while the Illuminati did what they had to do. Now Obama is in charge and well, he hasn’t made anything better. I wanted to kill myself when Clinton was president, I wanted to kill myself when Bush was president, and I still want to kill myself with Obama as president. What drastic things have really changed between these three very different men? I don’t see it.
(These 4 guys need to calm down and do something more than sound like a louder version of the Beastie Boys if they’re really that angry)
I hate politics and it was painful for me to write about it here. I don’t vote because I’m not informed. I could become more informed, but what would that accomplish? It would stress me out and make me feel guilty when my elected official kills off a certain ethnicity. I’m not really swayed in either direction, Republican or Democrat. I always thought I would be a Democrat but the more I’m around them the more I hate them. Republicans are just boring and stuck-up. I don’t know if I’ve ever even seen one. One time at a Rita’s Water Ice I saw a limo pull up. A large family got out. One of the sons of the family twirled around and said “I love being rich” in a sweet British voice. I assume these people were Republicans. The mother and father in the family smiled at each other. They were making their kids happy. This is why I could never join the dark side, the Republicans. That queer twirling Brit ruined all hopes of me saving the elephant party.
I should probably mention that too. The Republican’s symbol is an elephant while the Democrat’s is a donkey. The story goes that the Democrats are a donkey because Andrew Jackson was a jackass. I don’t know if this is true or not. The same woman who told me that said that Ford’s Theater where Lincoln was shot was in Western Pennsylvania. I believed it then she played Billy Joel for the class. I didn’t learn much that year. My history teachers were never good influences and I blame them. My 11th grade history teacher voted for Condoleeza Rice for president in 2004. He voted for someone who got one more vote than I did. I was months away from being able to vote and the man teaching me about politics was throwing his vote away. All I did that year was get ignored by girls and watch Michael Douglas movies. Jesus Christ high school sounds like my weekends.
(“Stay away from Dupont Circle.” – the running joke in this film. Yuck)
Will I ever vote? Who knows? The Illuminati do but that’s because they have a crystal ball that they ask a lot of questions to for answers. I still think I know more about politics than your average 11-year-old. And really they’re the ones that should be voting. Most of the laws affect them more than they effect a guy living alone in his 20s who doesn’t own much. The best thing I do own is my mind. That’s something that the government, no matter what party can ever control until the year 2016.