Posted: December 18, 2011 in Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , , , , ,

Preface: I’m posting this ahead of time and scheduling it for a future date. I will not have a chance to post anything Sunday or Monday so hopefully this will hold you over. I hope the “scheduling” feature works for this. Also, if you are one of the creeps who frequently looks at my blog and does not comment, leave a comment. I like to know who reads this so I can cater to you interests/make sure I don’t say bad things about you/make sure I do say bad things about you if I don’t like you. I’m curious to know who these people who Google “mooselicker” are. Yes, I can see that you do that. Stop being a creep and show yourself.

(Until I know better, this is you. A gay clown in the bushes spying on my every move. He’s gay because gay clowns only red the tips of their nose, not the nostrils)

Onto the article:

This is a thought that has putted around in my head for a while now. It came to me when looking at Facebook profiles of old high school classmates. I might be going out on a limb here, but Jesus Christ, I am the only person who looks better now than they did 6 years ago. I’m not in amazing shape or anything. One thing I do have is that I am completely unrecognizable. I’ve talked to people from my old high school and they have no idea who I am. Maybe they never noticed me and I didn’t get more handsome. Crap. I was excited and pooped my pants for nothing.

I recently saw a picture of an ex-girlfriend on the Internets. Before you get mad at any insults I might say about this girl, let it be known that 2 days before we broke up I texted her “I miss you” and she responded with “That’s nice.” What–the–fuck? You said you loved me! It took us dating 2 days and you were in love with me! Now only about 2 weeks later, it was nice when I missed you. You son of a bitch. I regret not saying your face looked feline.

I’m sitting on Facebook trying to find some Spanish girl whose name I recently learned. Yes, I’m stalking. Big deal. Do you know what the worst thing about Spanish girls is? They’re impossible to stalk. All of their last names are the same. I hope I never need to seriously stalk a Maria Lopez. There has to be 5 million of them.*

(Sofia Vergara has never had a successful stalker. Believe me, I’ve tried)

*This is a recycled joke that I posted on Facebook. Sorry if you’re my Facebook friend and had to read this again. I thought it was clever. Only one person commented on it which is one more than I usually get. I felt it was also very fitting for this post so I used it again. I really was trying to stalk a Spanish girl so it’s not so much a joke as it is a harsh reality. It’s fine to recycle harsh realities.

I am getting so off-track here! I apologize. What I wanted to say was that I saw my ex-girlfriend had some new photographs up. To say she packed on a few L.B.’s would be an insult to the letters L & B. Do letters get insulted? I can’t remember if it’s letters or numbers that have emotions.

(Numbers and Letters getting along for once despite religious affiliation)

I won’t go on a tirade of fat jokes or anything. I’m above doing that to anyone I actually know. I also can’t think of anything clever or hurtful enough. My question though has to do with exes. There are a lot of people who go from “geek to chic” as Jenny Jones would put it. Or in other cases they go from “chic to big fat mess.” I know there’s nothing wrong with change, that’s how Obama got elected.

The question here for you is, what’s the most important and what is the worst of the below choices? Yeah, I’m having trouble wording this. Fuck letters. I hope they are the ones with emotions and feel sad now. Just select which one of the below is more true for you.

A) I would rather date someone attractive who used to be unattractive


B) I would rather date someone who has always been attractive who ends up becoming unattractive after we break up

There are tons of variables to this. I know I would rather date someone who used to be unattractive merely for the fact that they’ll probably lack confidence and be easy pickings. Having dated someone who turned out worse feels a little embarrassing. I don’t know why that is. Maybe because I relate more to people who get better looking as opposed to others who take a nose dive into a bucket of ice cream.

I guess though what really matters is what the person looks like when you actually do date them. Why else should any of us care? Because we’re gossips who want those who hurt us to live miserable lives! That’s why.

To be less shallow, what really matters is personality. I can’t fall in love with someone unless I have some sense of a personality. That’s probably why I don’t like porn. Those girls don’t have a personality other than being a slut. I need to be able to know that the girl has a sense of humor or is real into animals. If more pornographic films had girls wearing clown noses or holding kittens I might get into it and fall in love.

(I am in love)

Yes, sometimes I’m a real pig and will find something very small to turn myself off from another person. What you might call being an animal, I call being observant. I’m not picky at all with girls I’d date. All I ask is that you let your beautiful personality shine through, always let me remind you how amazing you are, and don’t have a big nose. Everybody needs a line. Big noses are mine.

P.S. I also wrote something else. It’s about wrestling! Enjoy by clicking on this link.

  1. In 9th grade I started dating this boy. I was doodling on a notebook in Spanish class that “I ❤ This Boy" (can't even remember his name), but it was only to try it on for size. I didn't much like it. Unfortunately, he walked into my class just then to see it. Later on in the day he wrote me a note saying he loved me. I had to break up with him. We had been "going out" for less than a week.

    Then a month later he invited me over and I said that sounded uncomfortable. He said it was going to be a group of people. I said fine. I got there and not only did he corner me and try to get back together, but another boy he invited tried to hook up. It was the most confusing but slightly flattering get-together that I've ever run out of.

    • mooselicker says:

      I don’t know, your story sounds like the beginning of a sexual attack. Maybe because all 9th grade boys are cowards I can assume that it ended with them playing Nintendo 64 and complaining about how “nice guys always finish last.” I’m also flattered whenever someone likes me. Even if it’s completed backhanded.

  2. hkleczewski says:

    I have to say I like to think that my exes have all gotten so much uglier after I was done with them, but that’s me able to look at them without the rose tinted glasses and I’d like to think I ruined them (kidding . . . kind of). Love your post.

  3. Adair says:

    The clown blinded me to the rest of your well written post. I’m sorry.

  4. Lily says:

    I think this has a lot of truth to it. In high school people are still unsure of who they are, which kind of makes them less attractive. Out of college, everyone has more or less morphed into their true selves making them more or less attractive (maybe).
    My nose is fine from the front but one time I caught my profile in my peripheral view and it still depresses me. Not cute.

    • Lisa says:

      Oh puh-leaze! If your perfect nose is a problem then there’s no hope for the rest of us, Lily.

      I’m attracted to people who have great personalities. Any “imperfections” seem to enhance appearance when a person is confident and has a strong sense of self.

      There’s a catchy little song that states, “If you want to be happy for the rest of your life, don’t make a pretty woman your wife, so from my personal point of view, get an ugly girl to marry you!” I think these are wise words, indeed.

      • Adair says:

        With that philosophy in mind, I should be ass deep in suitors. I mean, if I ever decide to really venture out into the population again. However, I find the majority of my dealings with others (XY chromosomes), pretty comes first. And young. Not creepy young but the whole Hi, I’m 40/50/60 and I bet your 26 year old self and I have tons in common. So, my adorable nose and occasional wit will continue to be by-passed in my life. I’m a real ray of sunshine tonight!

      • Pete Howorth says:

        How do you know it’s not already people that follow you and comment that are searching for mooselicker on google?

        The moment a woman says “That’s nice.” to you saying “I miss you.” is the time you need to bust out a second text saying, “Only joking, you’re dumped lolololz found someone better.” and at least save some part of your manhood.

      • mooselicker says:

        You ruined my fun Pete. I was hoping that I had a secret following. Now someone was an ass and typed in Mooselicker into Google way too many times to make me paranoid.

        I actually broke up with her the next day or 2 days later. Unfortunately it was mutual and she said we could still be friends. I haven’t spoken to her since.

      • mooselicker says:

        Does she have to be ugly or can she just be a little imperfect?

    • mooselicker says:

      That won’t stop my lust for you, do not fret. Little perfections are dandy.

  5. The clown looks a little like Elton John to me.

    As for your question: it depends why you are with them. If its just a Kleenex type thing, one or two blows then you discard, then what matters is that they look good enough to use at the time.

    I kind of like the getting unattractive after we break up option. It is like the coke bloat after a doing line nothing else screams more of being shit out of options and done

  6. Most of the ‘dating’ that goes on in school wasn’t even dating, just two people who didn’t really know what to do in each other’s company.

    It’s amazing how things suddenly change once you leave school though,

  7. I do comment, so I can gossip about you with RFB, right? And it also means that I don’t look like that MacDonalds failure thing in the bushes. Yuck.

  8. Love the joke! (even if it is a rehash!)

  9. renxkyoko says:

    Eh. I choose ( b )… the one who has always been attractive and becomes unattractive after breaking up with her. That’s just sour graping. * smirks * LOL

  10. Emily He says:

    I googled mooselicker….

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