Posted: December 20, 2011 in Uncategorized
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Years ago, a Jewish person who I thought was gay and flirting with me gave me some advice. He said to never make a friend of yours your roommate. You’ll grow to hate them. I think this is true. Unless you’re open about how you don’t want to hate each other, it’s inevitable. I later found out that he wasn’t gay. My mistake was that I had never talked to a Jewish person before. I didn’t know how flamboyant and talkative they could be. The older you get, the more you learn.

I have a roommate. It’s a dog. He’s the family dog whom I am taking care of, temporarily I hope. What’s temporary? 8 months and counting is. He’s not technically allowed to be here because he’s too fat. They have a weight limit in my apartment complex. They don’t want dogs over 35 pounds. I wish they had a weight limit on people here. It only seems fair if there is one for animals. Luckily the people who live above me don’t work which means they can’t afford to eat. I only have to worry about them crashing through my floor during one of their weekly shouting matches. Why do I get the sense that I’m going to have to be the one to call the cops?

My roommate and I don’t get along very well. He’s a dog, remember. I usually get along great with animals. They love me. Not this bastard. He’s a dick. We used to get along better. Then I didn’t see him for a year and he has an attitude about that. I was never his favorite. In fact, no joke, he just farted on me as I am typing this. I didn’t feel it or hear it but I certainly smell it. I told you he was a bastard.

So to embarrass him, I would like to name a few things that he should change about himself. I feel like a woman yelling at her boyfriend doing this. It’s necessary for revenge factors.

Annoying Things About McGwire The Dog

1) He always pants whenever the temperature is 65 or above. I get it that he’s fat and all, but 65 isn’t that hot. My electric bill was so high in August because of him. Does he care? No. Dogs don’t have to worry about bills. Only ducks do! (I hate myself for saying that)

2) Whenever I pat the couch and say “come on McGwire, sit next to me and cuddle” he walks over, looks at me, then leaves. What a dick move! Not only does he not obey his master, he teases me and then leaves and goes into the other room. He’s sitting next to me right now (remember how he farted on me?) and that’s only because it’s late and he’s trying to hint to me that I need to go to bed and get off his fucking couch. His words, not mine.

3) He can’t aim when he pees. This could be due to a few medical problems he has, but seriously, this is annoying. You’ve got paws. Use them to aim your dick! I would much rather be living with a guy who pees on the toilet seat than a dog who pisses on his own leg and one time into his own face. He also pees like a girl. So embarrassing.

4) He has this unwritten rule that I can only go outside twice a day without him crying nonstop. I can do it in the morning after he eats and at night after he eats. In short, after he gets what he wants I can go die in a car crash for all he cares.

5) My dirty clothes sprawled out on the ground in my bedroom is his favorite place to lay. This is annoying when I feel like wearing a dirty shirt. Yes, sometimes I like to put on a dirty shirt you know for painting or dates with fat girls I want to end poorly. It’s probably my fault for allowing him there and once Christmas rolls around I’ll have a hamper and things will be better.

6) He eats my clothes, blankets, and bed sheets. Have you ever seen a dog poop out the color plaid? I have. A lot. He loves eating plaid things for some reason. He ate a part of one of my plaid shirts. He ate the image of a smiling face off of another shirt. That’s cruel and Satanic. Of all of the images to eat he chooses one of a smiley face. The shirt did say “I Hate You” but he doesn’t know that. He can’t read!

7) Sometimes McGwire gets in the garbage. I don’t ever throw away anything interesting to eat. The other day I came home to two egg shells, a ripped up plate, and a bottle of carrot juice which he didn’t even bother touching. I’m sure he was very upset to realize that I always clean my plate. Probably why he hid with his tail between his legs while I beat him with a belt.

8 ) My apartment has two rooms in it. A bedroom and a living room type thing. Chances are, if I’m in the living room he’s in the bedroom. When I enter the bedroom, he leaves and goes into the living room. My parents lived together for about 2 years and didn’t speak. This reminds me of that and I start to cry again.

9) Whenever my girlfriend comes over he will not leave us alone. All day long when I’m with him he acts like I don’t exist. The second she gets here my crotch becomes the most interesting thing to him. Maybe he’s trying to send her signals that it’s what she should be doing, but I don’t think he’s that clever.

10) He does a lot of other things that most dogs do. He barks at inappropriate times, tries to eat other dog’s poop, exists, begs for food, and makes me sneeze. I can’t really fault him for these, but I wanted you to know that he also sucks in the obvious ways that other dogs do too.

11) He has never gotten a girl to talk to me. Isn’t that the whole point of having a dog? Attracting girls? I’ve walked him in public enough for some hot mama to notice and everyone looks at him like he’s a big retard buffoon. He is, but it’s impolite to stare and they should be old enough to know that.

12) He will only let someone pet his face for so long before he sticks his butt in your face. He loves his butt rubbed and slapped. No normal living creature should like this much humiliation. He’d probably get off on reading how embarrassing this is. His red penis (lipstick as I call it) would pop out.

13) He’s a pussy. I mean a massive gaping one. Three little yapping dogs live next door and whenever he sees them he hides. He’s 5 times their size and that’s not an exaggeration. Even three of them they’re barely half his size. He’s also very afraid of thunder and fireworks. He’s very unpatriotic. McGwire hates America and that’s why you should hate him too.

McGwire does have a few cool things about him. For one he knows what the word “Dinner” and “Breakfast” mean. I can say to him “Do you want to go for a car ride?” and 50% of the time he will guess the correct car in which he will be entering. He doesn’t do it anymore, but when we were younger boys whenever I would toss him a ball he’d try to catch it with his paws like I would catch it. He farts a lot which can cover up any of my farts that I might make in front of others. If I drop food he’s there to clean it up. That’s my favorite because I’m lazy when it comes to cleaning. For a while, he would wake me up right before my alarm went off. I really dig internal clocks. I don’t know why he couldn’t have waited 5 minutes to walk into my room wagging his tail and smiling. He would have saved himself a couple of strangling sessions that I gave him later on in the day.

The only other good thing about him is that for the first 5 minutes after I come home he pretends to be happy to see me. I know it’s because he has to pee, but I like to pretend that he actually has some sort of love and affection towards my being. I know that can’t be true. Something that smells as bad as he does can’t possibly have the capacity to love anything that cannot be eaten. Unless he’s planning to eat me. Shit. That’s why he’s been so sweet lately.

  1. Sounds like McGwire is a real asshole. So is my cat. Maybe they should be friends?

    • mooselicker says:

      McGwire will probably be frightened. We could give it a try. Be warned that McGwire eats everything. Can’t you tell? He’s like 20 pounds overweight. He’s a mean fat boy.

  2. cat. says:

    Neither of you are happy with each other … that’s no good … hopefully you’ll find a solution to that problem soon … life is too short, you know …. blessed be … Love, cat.

  3. I agree with the living with your best friends advice. I would hate them after about a week or so, their habits would drive me insane.

    If your dog was a human he would be the greatest Internet troll ever.

  4. It’s so obvious that you love him. Don’t even try to act like you don’t. And I adore him as he lies on the bed!

  5. eva626 says:

    dogs are scary.

    you need a new room mate, have you looked at your options? haha jk just get over the cons…he seems like your pal

  6. Adair says:

    I had to wait a minute after I read this because I was laughing so hard I had tears. I don’t know if they were from laughter or sympathy for another pet owner whose animal does not behaveike some Disney creature. The least they can do is clean, but, nnnnoooooo, they just fart or put headless rodents on your chest. When the cat d i e s, I’m replacing her with a Chia pet.

    • mooselicker says:

      I grew up with cats so I know what it’s like living with someone who decapitates others. Glad you enjoyed this. Us pet owners don’t get enough credit for putting up with our animals.

  7. I wrote a poem about my dogs while I was in college for the first fancy degree (for poetry – makes sense). And during the critique this a-hole told me he would rather have ripped up my poem and vomited on it than read it because it was so “cutesy.” After this class I stopped writing poems. But to be fair, his poem was about masturbating and I said it made me feel like I had stomach acid in my throat, and his crit was before mine. I might’ve started the whole thing.

    Now I don’t even know the color of my dogs’ eyes since I’m paying attention to the kiddo and accidentally ignoring them.

    • mooselicker says:

      You wrote a poem about masturbation for school? You have moved onto my heroes list.

      Dogs are like practice for kids. Once you have a kid the dogs must feel so jealous. Like the forgotten child. Poor things.

  8. My roommate acts like your dog and he’s a person. For a second there I thought you were talking about him.

    • mooselicker says:

      My roommate is onlly 12 years old and he’s already a problem. I’m sure yours smokes or drinks. When was the last time you saw your roommate? They could be the same person.

  9. Reading this and seeing the back and forth between rancor, hatred and a feigned attempt at love I cant but think that this is life preparing you. The silence , leaving rooms , when you enter, pretending to be happy, sounds like institutionalize torture and yet John McCain is nowhere to be found to help

  10. mindwarpfx says:

    some say one should be institutionalized for having a pet. But then these people have always had about two or more kids. Ya go figure on that! But the torture thing. Could be the dog torturing you with his farts? Or it could be You torturing yourself by smelling them. It is only a problem if you start thinking that your cooking something good? LOL nice post. all the best.

    • mooselicker says:

      I think we’re torturing each other. We’re definitely Perfect Strangers and he’s the Balki. Who was the other guy on that show? And for that matter, how do I know that one of the characters was named Balki? I’m far too young to know this.

      Thanks for the read pal!

  11. Emily He says:

    Bills! Ducks! Hahahahaha boy did I laugh..

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