Posted: December 21, 2011 in Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , , , , ,

We all have them. Unless you’re a machinist. They’re called fingers. Those little dingle dangle things coming out of your hands. A normal person has 10. 5 on each hand. I am normal. I have 10 fabulous fingers. Lets go over each of them because I don’t feel like making you think hard today.

The first finger on most people’s hands is the thumb. Some argue that the thumb is not a finger. I poke them in the eye with my thumb and they say “get that finger out of my face.” I win those arguments. As humans, we’re the only species with the opposable thumb. It helps us grip things. The thumb is also useful when telling someone who you liked a movie or if you’re a Roman emperor and want to see a gladiator killed. When the thumb is aimed up it is good. Down is bad. A sideways thumb means nothing. It probably should have some meaning. How about it means “you look good today.” We need more hand signals that are compliments. They all seem to mean fuck you. Lets do this. Lets start the sideways thumb.

Next on the hand is the index finger. Children call their index fingers pointers. It’s because they use their finger to do just that, point. I learned at a young age not to point. It’s impolite. I was at an Indian Reservation and the chaperone’s son pointed and said “Look, an Indian.” His mother slapped him and said “Don’t point. That’s not nice.” How else was I supposed to know where the savage was? I probably use my index finger more than any other. It’s perfect for poking and picking. Don’t forget scratching. I’m a very itchy person. If I had to cut off one finger, it wouldn’t be my index finger. I’d never be able to shush anybody anymore.

Then we get to everybody’s favorite finger, the middle finger. The big motherfucker of fingers. You lift up this one by itself and you’re starting up a storm of shit. I rarely flip people the bird. Mostly in the car or when their back is turned. On the school bus years ago, a kid who is now a professional baseball player put his two middle fingers up in the air and crossed them. His brother said “Don’t do that. That means fuck everybody.” He did it again. Moral of the story, athletes are douche bags who don’t care about any of us, even when they’re 5 years old.

The ring finger is quite possibly the strangest named finger. It’s like saying the name is irrelevant unless you have a ring on it. That’s kind of true too. It’s hard to move that finger by itself. I guess in a way it’s a second string middle finger. Sometimes people will flip others the ring finger. These people cannot fully commit to telling their enemy to go to hell.

Finally we get to the pinky. The biggest wimp of fingers. I don’t use my pinky for much. There are very few tiny spaces I need to slide a finger into. Ladies in olden days would lift up their pinky to show off how feminine they were. Rich people still do it while drinking tea. Pinkies are very relevant to surfers who do the “hang loose” symbol. Don’t let the name mislead you. Your pinky does not need to be pink. Mine isn’t. I did used to have a freckle near my one pinky that I thought for years was a poop stain. I’d watch my hands nonstop. Now I have asthma and eczema because of my clean living ways.

There are of course people out there with more fingers. I don’t know what the names of these fingers are called. I’m sure they do have one. How do those people shake hands? If I had 6 fingers I would try to get girls to think this gave me some magical talent to give them pleasure. Or I’d learn the piano. You can’t get too many girls by playing the piano so this is an either or situation. I won’t have to worry about that though because I don’t plan on growing a new finger any time soon.

  1. I fingered your blog on my blog. Good shit, John Holmes.

  2. Pete Howorth says:

    The inbred finger is what I think the 6th finger is called, if someone has 6 fingers on one hand then their parents are definitely related.

  3. Emily He says:

    Many Chinese people leave REALLY long fingernails on their pinkies, better to clean your ears with. Gross.

  4. Lisa says:

    Apparently if you’re female and your ring finger is longer than your index finger, you have lesbian tendencies. Yikes! This really scared me since I definitely have this finger situation going on, I had to settle my nerves by reminding myself that I was married with children. Luckily I don’t live in a women’s prison! Phew.

    • *looks at fingers*
      Interesting… I don’t have lesbian tendencies, apparently. Isn’t there also a theory about fingers and being male or female? I believe that men have a smaller difference between their index and ring finger than woman. Or maybe they are just supposed to.

    • I just checked and I don’t appear to have lesbian tendencies.

      I wouldn’t mind visiting a women’s prison though, just to see what it is like.

    • mooselicker says:

      You’re living in denial. Set your inner dyke free!

      I thought all ring fingers were longer than index fingers. Mine is. Am I a lesbian? I am wearing boots today.

    • Adair says:

      Whew!! I barely passed the finger test!! I would hate to have to change my lifestyle and have to figure out what body parts go where and all the rest. Way too much trouble.

  5. Fans of the band Korn have come up with their own naming scheme for their non-thumb fingers. They all seem to write the name of the band across them.

    Such gimps.

  6. robpixaday says:

    LOL! Great read from beginning to end. I’m still trying out how to draw hands that look like hands, so I spend a lot of time staring at my fingers. This post put everything into perspective.

    Did someone already say this: “Polydactyly” is the more-than-5-finger thing.
    And I could count on the fingers of one hand the number of times I’ve used that term.

    ::runs home wiggling all ten dainty digits::

  7. Adair says:

    I’m pretty sure there are some monkeys who have opposable thumbs. Didn’t you see Madagascar: Escape 2 Africa?

  8. Lily says:

    Fingers are so weird. They are connected to our bodies, yet a separate appendage. I probably didn’t use that word right but whatevs. Possibly one of the scariest things is when people have fat fingers, or when men have long fingernails like in “Doubt”.

    • mooselicker says:

      Fingernails are weird how when they get really long they start to curl. They always reminded me of Bugle chips. I loved them then I saw the Guiness World Record’s TV show with the Indian guy with the world’s longest fingernails. I haven’t eaten a Bugle since.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s