Hard Workers

Posted: December 24, 2011 in Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , , , , ,

I used to get upset whenever someone achieved their dreams. I still do sometimes. I’m nowhere near achieving mine. Then a thought popped into my head. These successful strangers can’t all have rich parents who buy their way into fancy jobs. That’s too insidious and possible. I would like to instead believe that hard work eventually pays off.

(Nobody worked harder than Pete Rose and things turned out great for him)

There’s a saying goes “Give 110%” which if you know math is impossible. If anything giving 110% would mean you’re overexerting yourself. You’re doing more than anyone can possibly handle. You’ll end up going around 70% and maybe pulling a back muscle. Stick with 100%. It’s safer and you won’t get a hernia.

I like to have a reputation as a hard worker. I hustle when I need to. I put my heart and soul into most everything I do. Sometimes it pays off. Others it fizzles out. The thing about hard work is there was never a guarantee made that it would actually pay off. Imagine you were a pilgrim who helped to build the first colonies of the United States. You built a home from scratch. You helped skin a few animals for clothes. Then you caught a cold and died. You practically broke your back trying to begin a new life only to die. All of that so future people like me could live in a world without being made fun of for wearing belt buckles and thinking all women were witches. Thank you pilgrims. Your sacrifice means a lot to me.

(Thanks Laura Ingalls. You and your blind sister did a lot of helpful things)

In today’s world it’s easy to not work hard. We have robots that do most of our jobs. Some of us have chickens do it for us. We’re lazy. Why? Because we’re so far more advanced than we should be thanks to a few geniuses in a science lab. We’re living longer which means that we have many more tomorrows to do our laundry or shave our butts. Pilgrims didn’t have that luxury. They were married by 9 and grandparents by 13. John Smith, the guy that had sex with Pocahontas, he was 11! That’s actually probably not true. But you have to admit he acted 11 by falling in love with someone he could not verbally communicate with. John Smith was shallow. He liked Pocahontas for her looks. What could they talk about? Trees? Beavers? I’m glad I actually get to know women. I’m better than John Smith. Make a movie about me Disney.

(Captain John Smith, he doesn’t nearly look as much like Ike Hanson here as much as he did in the Disney Film)

It doesn’t matter where I go, I’m always seeing people on the job slacking off. They’re distracted by poop jokes in e-mails or drawing butterflies when they should be going over the Parson’s Account or picking their nose while taking an order. I could work much harder, but like you I love poop jokes, drawing butterflies, and picking my nose.

Here is a vow I will make to help the world. From now on I will never give 100%. I’ll give somewhere in the 40-50% range. Higher if I really need to. You might be thinking that this would accomplish nothing. Actually, this would force others to pick up the slack. One person giving 40% means that everyone else has to take some control and work a tad harder. The more lazy I become, the more other people have to do. The more hard work I do, the more lazy everybody else gets to be. Did Spock not say “The needs of many outweigh the needs of one?” I never saw the movie, I’m actually asking.

That’s my idea to help others achieve greatness. Be an awfully skilled human being. Don’t help out others. Never give good advice. People will no longer be able to lean on me for support. They will be forced to do it all alone. They will build up an immunity to success. They will be stronger and faster. The world will move smoother and productivity will be at an all-time high. Peace will shine over the lands. And the lion will lie down with the lamb.

(Lions have yet to lie down with the lambs, but apparently ducks have began to walk with the dogs. It’s a start)

Now begins my journey of laziness. Enjoy the view ladies. I’m going pants-less.

“My sacrifice.” – A Creed song about a baseball strategy with a man on first and less than 2 outs with a pitcher up at bat

  1. robpixaday says:


    I wish I had some kind of Blog Award capabilities, because this post is splendid. It’s a tricky subject, deftly managed. It’s funny (really LOL-y) and fun. And serious. AND cool.

    Thank you for posting it! And thank you for falling back to 40-50% work. I won’t increase MY efforts, because seeing you getting by with that level will make me so envious I’ll just stop working completely. And I’m too old to give a carp.

    But the concept is bound to be successful with everyone else. What a wonderful world it will be!!


    • mooselicker says:

      I can’t be lazy alone. You can join in on the sacrifice. Alone I can’t possibly accomplish nearly as much as I can with the help of others.

      I have my own award ceremony in mind. It’ll take a lot of work but there are lots of people out there deserving a nice virtual trophy.

  2. robpixaday says:

    Hmmm…. I’ll give this a little Tweet.
    I don’t have any followers, but who knows where these things end up anyway?

  3. Lisa says:

    This was totally funny! I wish this would actually catch on. I think the world needs to dial it down a notch or two. I mean, what are we in such a hurry for? Why kill ourselves working so hard, cause at the end of the day, we just get old and die? It’s not like we’re worker bees or drones or something. I hate people who say, “I’ll sleep when I’m dead.” Fine, I’ll sleep right now. Thanks for picking up the slack.

    • mooselicker says:

      I always feel like that whenever I’m in NYC. It’s all so fast. I get nervous just going there. Too many people do what they think is needed hard work. They think putting in time is more important than the quality of the work they do. A lot of it has to do with us having more jobs that aren’t commission or production based. I get paid the same amount whether I get anything done or not. We’d having flying houses by now if we got paid for how good we were. I don’t know why we’d need flying houses. I think it’s what will happen though. We love our flying devices.

      • Lisa says:

        I totally agree about NYC. It makes me nervous. Especially when I’m ordering something from a deli. Like, I’m sorry I can’t think with a huge ticking clock over my head and the guys behind the counter yelling at me! OMG! What’s the rush!?

  4. I would join your cause but it seems like a lot of work. But I appreciate your enthusiasm for the mediocre.

  5. breezyk says:

    I definitely feel like a robot could do my job… its highly depressing, really

    • mooselicker says:

      I know a robot could do mine. I practically am a robot while working. I never smile and sometimes get a red glow in my eye. Technically that would make me a cyborg I guess.

  6. Today I found out that my lenght is great, hard work or not. But I also do my best. I want to please people, so they will give me more money.
    I keep believing they will give me more money.

    • mooselicker says:

      And they never do reward you for your hard work do they? You have to work hard for yourself. If it doesn’t make you feel better doing a good job then there’s no point to it. People suck.

  7. Lily says:

    I cannot recall the last time I worked hard on something. Thats so depressing now that I think about it. But to be honest, no one has to work hard. Everything is right at our fingertips and so easy. This guy in twitter said “I’m not learning anything else unless someone tells me that Google won’t be around in 10 years.” Same.

    • mooselicker says:

      I work really hard when it’s something I believe in or think is a huge money making scheme. Right now I’m at work, not working hard. Instead I’m talking to strangers on the Internet getting paid the same amount as I would if I was doing what I should be. Life is too easy sometimes.

  8. Cafe23 says:

    lmao! okay, the fourth one was funny too hahaha. here’s evidence of me taking the time 😉

  9. Pete Howorth says:

    I’ve had that many jobs now I don’t even know what my dream is anymore. 110%? Hell no, minimum wage, minimum effort.

  10. Emily He says:

    hahahaha your philosophy is not incorrect. I learned this from my latest job! I was such a fool to give 110%. If only you had posted this a few months back, I’d still have my dignity!

    • mooselicker says:

      My bad. I remember during a blackout at work I continued working while everyone else chatted and looked around like they had never seen the lights go off before. Funny how working the same job for however many years I’ve been here can change you. Now I spend my time at work talking to awesome Chinese girls! (“Hey, he means me!” – E. He’s brain)

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