I would like to apologize to those of you who are here for pictures of actor Ken Watanabe. It’s not my fault his name is so similar to the word Wannabe. That’s his ancestor’s fault. Blame those dead Asians. Are you really that low that you will not only insult a dead person but also an Asian person? For shame. His ancestors were probably great samurai warriors. They prided themselves in honor. You have disgraced them with your anger. Learn to read stupid.
Sometimes I’ll lie in bed at night and think “I am me. Everything I do is something that I am doing. I have complete control over every idea and action I make.” This usually freaks me out a little bit. I think, therefore I am. It’s so simple yet so creepy to believe. I don’t always want to be myself though. Sometimes I want to be other people. Okay, most of the time I want to be other people. I wouldn’t tell them that though. Then they might get big-headed and end up like me. And then I’d just be me again. Thank goodness Being John Malkovich was fiction.
The first person that I wish I was is The Joker. Yes, the Batman villain. I don’t know what it is. I love The Joker. He’s so confident. Even when he tells a bad joke he sells it with a maniacal laugh. The Heath Ledger Joker was so awesome that I actually considered cutting my lips to have the same smile. I’ve mentioned before that two people told me I looked like Heath Ledger before. I hope I also mentioned that I don’t. What I think they really meant was that I looked like The Joker. My hair was messy and my face was pale. I also probably had way too much makeup on. Not looking like The Joker doesn’t stop me from wanting to be him. He’s so incredibly awesome. I wonder though, what does he do in his down time? Does The Joker watch television? He has to buy underwear. Everybody buys underwear! What is the process that The Joker goes through to purchase his underwear? Does he go into Kohl’s and everyone looks around and says “Ut oh, The Joker’s back” or does his presence go unnoticed? He can’t always be “on.” He’d be dead by now if he was. Nobody likes someone who is always the jokester. Even a clown needs to cry.
(What does The Joker eat for breakfast? I’m really curious to know. He poops just like everyone else. The book said so!)
Since becoming The Joker would be too dangerous and violent I need to find someone in real life I would want to be. God this is hard. I could pick any porn star in the world. But I don’t know if I could deal with working with a fluffer all day long. I hear they ask lots of fan boy questions. Here’s some fluffer humor for you. Do you know why I didn’t become a fluffer? Because it’s a very “hard” job. If you don’t get that then you have a better shot at going to Heaven than I do.
I would definitely be a professional athlete. Hands down that is who I want to be. Okay I’ve figured that out. But who? I know. Derek Jeter. Even my girlfriend knows who he is and she calls the visiting team “the bad guys.” Derek Jeter gets more women than anyone. I met Derek Jeter one time and I could tell he felt intimidated by my presence. His girlfriend was checking me out and gave me her phone number. Actually none of that happened. He signed my baseball card then hid behind a large black man. Derek Jeter is very pretty. I definitely would be a pretty man if I could. He makes about 16 million a year I think and he’s a .260 hitter with no range at short stop. He has so much money and so many women and he’s a real guy. Derek Jeter is who I want to be. There’s nothing horrible about his life. The only downside is that he has to drink Gatorade. Eek. I don’t like Gatorade. Maybe Derek Jeter’s life isn’t as great as I thought. Yeah, never mind. It’s not worth it. I’d rather be someone else.
(Derek Jeter must hate Obama. He’s no longer the most popular mulatto in America)
I was thinking Johnny Depp might be a good choice. Everyone loves him. Then I remembered that he’s married and hasn’t made a good movie in years. Darn. I was so close. I can’t be a musician. I’m too much of a goody-two-shoes for that. What about Russell Brand? He’s an actor who pretends he’s a musician. Or is he a comedian who pretends he’s a musician? He’s not funny so that can’t be it. What the fuck is that guy? Is it even a guy? He weighs 98 pounds. Guys shouldn’t weigh that little and have that long of hair. He is married to Katy Perry though. I would have sex with her. But marriage means you can only have sex with one person. That’s the point of marriage. So that your partner can’t sleep around. Yeah there’s no way I want to be Russell Brand. Other than who he gets to have sex with, his life sucks. And I also don’t think I could love myself if I couldn’t understand a thing I said. How does Russell live with himself not making any sense?
(Russell Brand looking like my dad and Charles Manson pointing at Edmonton)
The best course of action to me is to not become anyone else. I can just be myself and hope that someday someone else wants to be me. It’s okay if I steal a few things here and there from others. I can take a hairstyle or how someone cool walks. Why hijack everything they’ve got? I can become my own man. There’s already Halloween where I can be someone else. There’s no need to do it all the time. So that’s what I’ll do. Start my own styles, my own trends, and not try to be someone else. I’ll be myself. A boy who desperately wishes he was a famous actor, professional athlete, or comic book villain.