I would like to apologize to those of you who are here for pictures of actor Ken Watanabe. It’s not my fault his name is so similar to the word Wannabe. That’s his ancestor’s fault. Blame those dead Asians. Are you really that low that you will not only insult a dead person but also an Asian person? For shame. His ancestors were probably great samurai warriors. They prided themselves in honor. You have disgraced them with your anger. Learn to read stupid.

Sometimes I’ll lie in bed at night and think “I am me. Everything I do is something that I am doing. I have complete control over every idea and action I make.” This usually freaks me out a little bit. I think, therefore I am. It’s so simple yet so creepy to believe. I don’t always want to be myself though. Sometimes I want to be other people. Okay, most of the time I want to be other people. I wouldn’t tell them that though. Then they might get big-headed and end up like me. And then I’d just be me again. Thank goodness Being John Malkovich was fiction.

The first person that I wish I was is The Joker. Yes, the Batman villain. I don’t know what it is. I love The Joker. He’s so confident. Even when he tells a bad joke he sells it with a maniacal laugh. The Heath Ledger Joker was so awesome that I actually considered cutting my lips to have the same smile. I’ve mentioned before that two people told me I looked like Heath Ledger before. I hope I also mentioned that I don’t. What I think they really meant was that I looked like The Joker. My hair was messy and my face was pale. I also probably had way too much makeup on. Not looking like The Joker doesn’t stop me from wanting to be him. He’s so incredibly awesome. I wonder though, what does he do in his down time? Does The Joker watch television? He has to buy underwear. Everybody buys underwear! What is the process that The Joker goes through to purchase his underwear? Does he go into Kohl’s and everyone looks around and says “Ut oh, The Joker’s back” or does his presence go unnoticed? He can’t always be “on.” He’d be dead by now if he was. Nobody likes someone who is always the jokester. Even a clown needs to cry.

(What does The Joker eat for breakfast? I’m really curious to know. He poops just like everyone else. The book said so!)

Since becoming The Joker would be too dangerous and violent I need to find someone in real life I would want to be. God this is hard. I could pick any porn star in the world. But I don’t know if I could deal with working with a fluffer all day long. I hear they ask lots of fan boy questions. Here’s some fluffer humor for you. Do you know why I didn’t become a fluffer? Because it’s a very “hard” job. If you don’t get that then you have a better shot at going to Heaven than I do.

I would definitely be a professional athlete. Hands down that is who I want to be. Okay I’ve figured that out. But who? I know. Derek Jeter. Even my girlfriend knows who he is and she calls the visiting team “the bad guys.” Derek Jeter gets more women than anyone. I met Derek Jeter one time and I could tell he felt intimidated by my presence. His girlfriend was checking me out and gave me her phone number. Actually none of that happened. He signed my baseball card then hid behind a large black man. Derek Jeter is very pretty. I definitely would be a pretty man if I could. He makes about 16 million a year I think and he’s a .260 hitter with no range at short stop. He has so much money and so many women and he’s a real guy. Derek Jeter is who I want to be. There’s nothing horrible about his life. The only downside is that he has to drink Gatorade. Eek. I don’t like Gatorade. Maybe Derek Jeter’s life isn’t as great as I thought. Yeah, never mind. It’s not worth it. I’d rather be someone else.

(Derek Jeter must hate Obama. He’s no longer the most popular mulatto in America)

I was thinking Johnny Depp might be a good choice. Everyone loves him. Then I remembered that he’s married and hasn’t made a good movie in years. Darn. I was so close. I can’t be  a musician. I’m too much of a goody-two-shoes for that. What about Russell Brand? He’s an actor who pretends he’s a musician. Or is he a comedian who pretends he’s a musician? He’s not funny so that can’t be it. What the fuck is that guy? Is it even a guy? He weighs 98 pounds. Guys shouldn’t weigh that little and have that long of hair. He is married to Katy Perry though. I would have sex with her. But marriage means you can only have sex with one person. That’s the point of marriage. So that your partner can’t sleep around. Yeah there’s no way I want to be Russell Brand. Other than who he gets to have sex with, his life sucks. And I also don’t think I could love myself if I couldn’t understand a thing I said. How does Russell live with himself not making any sense?

(Russell Brand looking like my dad and Charles Manson pointing at Edmonton)

The best course of action to me is to not become anyone else. I can just be myself and hope that someday someone else wants to be me. It’s okay if I steal a few things here and there from others. I can take a hairstyle or how someone cool walks. Why hijack everything they’ve got? I can become my own man. There’s already Halloween where I can be someone else. There’s no need to do it all the time. So that’s what I’ll do. Start my own styles, my own trends, and not try to be someone else. I’ll be myself. A boy who desperately wishes he was a famous actor, professional athlete, or comic book villain.

  1. mindwarpfx says:

    Just being yourself just says to everyone you come across. ” You have everything all ready.No real need to steal something of what they got.” Unless they have fame. Can anyone have to much fame? Go ahead take some……. 🙂 All the best!

    • mooselicker says:

      You gotta fake it til you make it! That’s what all dead Hollywood Starlets say.

      If anything I would like for children to dress up as me for Halloween. Could you imagine that? Costumes to your likeness? Most awesome people have earned their popularity. I’d also much rather have a cult following than be famous. People will mention my name at a party and only one other person there will be familiar with me. Then they’ll bond and probably blow up a building in my name. All cult followings eventually lead to cult bombs.

  2. Lily says:

    Would you really have sex with Katy Perry? I would too, I guess. I mean…what? My friend barely looks like Robert Pattinson and he said that someone told him he looked like Twilight. Like, the entire movie.

  3. Derek Jeter kind of skeeves me out. You should pick someone else. He wants his gals to work out so much that their arms look like him (see: Cameron Diaz). Who is now a buff ex.

    You know who’s hot? Charlie Day. Little, funny, amazing, Charlie Day. I want to put him in my pocket so he can yell a lot from there.

  4. Cafe23 says:

    Three hilarious posts in a row! Sorry, don’t have time to read the fourth. But thanks for making me laugh =P

  5. I am with you on The Joker, Heath Ledger did a great job with him.

    Any man who doesn’t want to have sex with Katy Perry is mad and possibly has a hint of the gaylord in him.

    Russell Brand annoys me.

    • mooselicker says:

      Any man who doesn’t want to have sex with 80% of the population is a little bit of a flake. There are times when I’ve been so desperate I would make love to a rabbit hole. That’s all I need. Somewhere to put it.

  6. Lisa says:

    I don’t think as much about wanting to be someone else as much as wanting someone else to want me. Like the Cheap Trick song, “I want you, to want me!” My short list would include Colin Firth, Hugh Grant in his younger days, Michael Fassbender (Magneto), and Mel Gibson in his younger days, before he was an anti-Semite…or maybe he always was?(Braveheart,The Bounty, The year of Living Dangerously).

    • mooselicker says:

      I think the real thing for us to acknowledge here is your love for foreign men. It’s okay though, I have the same problem. Right now it’s girls from Ireland. For the longest time it was Canadians and Australians. They’re too attractive for me though. A nice Irish girl with one obvious flaw is all I need.

    • Addie (Adair) says:

      How did I miss this list? Mine would have to be Alan Rickman (of course), Vincent d’Onofrio (only in Law and Order–he’s so messed up, you want to fix him), Daniel Day-Lewis (especially in the discussed Mohicans) and Jason Stratham in anything. Maybe Brad Pitt only as the Gypsy Irish guy in ‘Snatch’.

  7. How do you manage to write one everyday? Fair play to you man and keep it up!

  8. Adair says:

    I wouldn’t want to kiss Katy or Russell, nor would I want to see them kissing. As far as looking like Heath–if you don’t mind clarifying this point for me–do they mean NOW or BEFORE? ‘Cause if they mean now, well, I’m not too sure that’s a compliment, just saying.

    • mooselicker says:

      This was right after he died that I had people telling me that. I think they meant before the death. But freshly dead isn’t all that bad. They still look normal.

      The only lookalike that I see is Joel McHale (not now, he’s too incredible handsome and buff now, but back when he wasn’t) and Dustin Pedroia of the Boston Red Sox. I also was once told I looked like the old coach of the New Jersey Nets and a group of strangers agreed when I told them that. Yep, I definitely have an Irish face. No doubting that.

  9. Pete Howorth says:

    You’re lucky you’re American, we’ve had to endure years of Russel Brand before we could get rid of him, he was everywhere. He’s just a drug user pretending to be a mixture of the three you mentioned hah!

    I wish I was English comedian Ross Noble because he looks like Lord of the Rings (The whole three movies.)

    • mooselicker says:

      Never heard of Ross Noble. You never said if he’s any good, just that he looks like a film trilogy. It’s weird how someone can be so big in one of our countries and nothing in the next. You guys appreciated Bill Hicks (one of our own!) before we ever could. I’ll always trust an English man’s opinion over an Americans because of that.

  10. robpixaday says:


    I think you should stalk yourself. People who other people want to be usually have stalkers, right?

    So that’s Derek Jeter! He pretty.
    But he’s no Mooselicker.

    • mooselicker says:


      I guess I have had to get by on personality. Not like Mr. Jeter. He has looks, money, athletic ability. Who needs those when you can be a sillygoose like me?

  11. robpixaday says:

    Bwahah!! My feeble attempt at HTML-ing the obliterated the word “is” in that next-to-the-last-sentence.

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