Quarterbacks

Posted: December 29, 2011 in Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , , , , ,

Set. Down. Blue 42. Blue 42. Set Down. Hut. Hut. Hut. Hike!

That’s quarterback talk for “not yet not yet not yet not yet not yet not yet not yet not yet not yet okay now!” I could never be a quarterback. Chances are, even if you don’t know much about sports, you know what a quarterback is. They’re the players in football who throw the ball. You know their names. Tom Brady, Michael Vick, Peyton Manning; quarterbacks are mainstream. You know them for dating super models, killing dogs, and enjoying Oreos with their ugly brothers when they themselves are already ugly. Oreos don’t make you ugly by the way. Ugly people just happen to like them. And if you like Oreos you’re not automatically ugly. Oreos are the best cookies in the world. That’s why when someone calls a half-black half-white person an Oreo it should be a compliment and not a racial insult.

A new quarterback has taken over as a famous dude. His name is Tim Tebow. If you’ve turned on ESPN, attended any sporting event, or use the Internet then you’ve at least seen his name or heard something about him. I don’t know much about the guy. Mostly because the more I learn about someone the more I hate them. That’s why being ignorant to my Tebow knowledge is a good thing. I have enough millionaires to hate. One more would be too many.

However, I do have one issue with Tebow. We share a first name. This is something that I cannot deny or change until I legally change my name. I shouldn’t be forced into a new identity because of the association with the name. That’s not fair. I am better than Tim Tebow. This is why.

(He’s clearly stuffing his crotch)

1 -Tim Tebow has a reputation for starting off poorly and making incredible comebacks. Me? I’m consistent. I usually start off poorly or mediocre and continue that trend. I’m a straight line of success or failure. It all depends on how you hold the chart. If I was quarterback for the Denver Broncos they’d be 0-16. You’d know not to bother watching. With Tebow, you get nervous and eventually he will disappoint you. Not with me. What you see is what you get. A winless season.

2 -Tim Tebow does not have sex. It’s against his beliefs. His morals. Okay grandma, what’s the gimmick? Tebow is devoted to his belief in God. He likes to sing religious songs. He prays after good plays. I used to pray. I would pray for my family and loved ones to be safe, happy, and healthy. You couldn’t meet a more miserable group of people with a lot of health problems. We are pretty safe though. 1 out of 3 isn’t bad. That’s almost what Meatloaf said. I don’t like when religion is brought in somewhere that it shouldn’t be. Lots of people feel this way with Tebow. God didn’t help you win those games. Poor defensive and inappropriately setting up in a Nickel Package did. Look me, pretending I know football strategy. I haven’t played Madden since 2005 but I still sound like I know what I’m talking about.

3 -Tim Tebow went to college in Florida. Do you know who else went to college in Florida, Carrot Top! Shit that isn’t good. Brooke Hogan went to college there too. Hulk Hogan’s favorite sex was a Florida alumni. I only know this because my friend went to the same college as them and knew that his life was over. I think Tebow was a Florida Gator. Gator? Too lazy to spell out the whole word? Tim Tebow takes shortcuts. That’s a coward’s way to live. I never take shortcuts with words. I always spell them all the way out. That’s how you know I’m legit.

4 -Tim Tebow has a term named after him, Tebowing. It’s what people say when they came from behind and win. I don’t have anything named after myself. Actually I do! Boiling. When you take something and cook it so hot that it begins to boil, that’s called boiling. My last name is Boyle! Boyling and Boiling are only one letter off. And since Y is only sometimes a vowel you can easily replace it with any other vowel of your choosing. I win Tebow. I had something named after my last name before you.

5 -Tim Tebow is younger than I am. I’m older and have more knowledge of the world. Tebow’s had everything handed to him. Women who he turned down, money that he probably donated to charity, and compliments which he humbly denied. Me, I work for my shit. I tell jokes and lie to women to get them to like me. I prance around like a monkey to get noticed. With money I do things I don’t want to do. I have to sit a lot too. It’s hard work. All that staring at a computer has damaged my eyes! And I most certainly don’t give away that money. Why should you give away a gift? That’s racist. I also always thank other for compliments. If you humbly deny a compliment it’s like telling the person who complimented you that they’re stupid. Tebow is a jerk.

6 -Tim Tebow probably knows all of the words to a couple of Jesus Hymns. I used to know all the words to Smashmouth’s song All-Star. He probably also has a favorite Bible Verse. I’m sure it’s probably John 3:16. My favorite Bible Verse is Austin 3:16, and that says “Tim Tebow I just whooped your ass.”

7 -Tim Tebow’s name comes up as incorrect in spell check. Mine does not. Do you know what else comes up in my spell check? Terd. So does the word turd. Which one is the correct spelling of terd/turd? I know, Tebow. Because Tim Tebow, that’s what you are, a terd/turd.

8 -Tim Tebow plays football in Denver. I remember another person from Colorado. His name was Alferd Packer. Not Alfred, but Alferd. He was accused of cannibalism during the gold rush and ultimately convicted. There’s a musical about it. I’ve never eaten another person. I’ve thought about it. Never have. How can we trust that Tim Tebow won’t get lost in the woods and eat the rest of his party? We can’t. Stay away from Tebow. He’ll eat you.

I could go on forever about how I am better than Tim Tebow. I’ll stop here because he’s a sensitive guy and might cry. I really don’t mind him. From what I’ve heard, he’s a swell guy who at least pretends to care about others. I’m also not a football fan. Our paths will probably never cross. Even at the annual Tim Convention that’s held every year in Dallas I doubt I’ll see him. We run in different circles. Maybe he’ll read this though and stop and say hello. He’ll mend the fence that divides us. I will take that opportunity to prove to him in person that I am better than he is. Push-up competitions, sexy dance-offs, first quarter passing percentages, I will probably win them. But he’s still a nicer guy than I am. And it’s like the saying goes. Nice guys always win.

Comments
  1. Lisa says:

    This is totally funny! I feel like everyone is sort of forced to like him cause he kneels and prays at the drop of a hat, and who can hate on a praying quarterback? Well, I can. Haha! I’m pretty sure that type of praying is an afront to God. Aren’t we suppose to pray in private? Why is he using prayer to showboat? I think it’s slightly suspect…. Hmm…okay, now I feel bad for saying that. See what I mean?

    Oh, and Oreos are the perfect cookie, the best.

    • mooselicker says:

      Something will come out eventually that Tebow is actually an evil man. Maybe he cheats at Bingo or one time refused to help an elderly woman across the street. He seems to be that perfect goody-two-shoes that everybody expects everyone else to be.

      Oreos really are the best. Any cookie that can be eaten 10 different ways is the greatest invention ever.

    • Addie (Adair) says:

      My mother thought Tebowing was new word for praying, so, she told all of her old lady friends she’d Tebowed after services one Sunday. I didn’t have the heart to tell her otherwise. I’m with you and Lily in Canada; praying is your time with God. Personally, I think Tebow is on one knee, trying to recover from the lack of oxygen in Denver, saying to himself, “How did I get myself into this mess?”

      • Addie (Adair) says:

        Oh, and if we are talking storebought cookies, Pepperidge Farm Sausalito.

      • mooselicker says:

        Pepperidge Farm is pretty damn good. I’ll give you that. I love the giant soft cookies. I don’t eat them. I pretend they don’t exist because if I ate what I wanted to eat I would be a Class 5 Diabetic. Yes, they’d make a new category for how much sugar was in my blood.

      • mooselicker says:

        This made me chuckle. I love confused old people. Reminds me of my dad.

  2. I could have sworn nice guys always finish last…

    • mooselicker says:

      Nah they’re always winning. Genghis Kahn was a doll. He ruled almost all of Asia at one point and didn’t even have to watch his weight. That’s a winner. He also provided many women with many children. A nice guy for sure.

  3. Hey, Boyle? Like that singer, Susan Boyle, from Britain’s Got Talent show – she didn’t win, but she’s making tons of money….so you must be related? Hmmmm, I’m sure she’d say hello to you at the Boyle Convention in any case….

    • mooselicker says:

      My dad actually looks a lot like her, but with facial hair and a bowl cut. We could be related. I’m hoping I’m related to Chris Cornell from Soundgarden more though. His real last name is also Boyle. I can’t sing a lick so chances are neither are in the same bloodline.

  4. Lily says:

    I always like when people pray. It’s one of the best, and easiest things we can do. But I would have to agree with you and Lisa. Praying should be thoughtful and in private.
    Embarrassingly enough, I STILL know all of the words to All-Star.
    I pretty much hate everyone who I share a name with. I suppose I could compare myself to Lily Tomlin, but the similarities would end at “we’re both girls”.

    • mooselicker says:

      I am so tempted to look up Lily Tomlin facts to find one that you have in common. Isn’t there someone named Lily Allen? I don’t know what either of them do. I have no clue what you do either. That’s kind of something in common.

    • I don’t share my name with that many people. There’s an actress that I love and was in Life Aquatic among a bunch of other things. I’m ok with name-sharing because it makes me excited that there are more of us out there. But I’d get mad if we got too crowded.

      I don’t like Tim Tebow. He showed UT a thing or two about a thing or two during some playoff games that I actually watched. At least, I think that was a playoff games. There were a bunch of people around me throwing some shade so I joined in like good the fair-weather fan that I am.

      • mooselicker says:

        College football doesn’t have a playoff system. I know ESPN guys always complain about it. It was probably a “bowl” game despite no bowls being present. Maybe there are. Football fans love eating soup at games.

        I thought Tebow was supposed to be some hunky guy. I couldn’t find any photos where I thought “Geez, that’s a handsome man.” It turns out that he’s 2 months older than I am and was born in the Philippines. I’m glad he’s older. Gives me more time to train to get my NFL contract. I’m about due.

      • You make me wonder if I know what I’m talking about…Then it must’ve just been Cowboys vs Broncos. I know very little about football, OBVSLY. Hubs played in high school on a team with no chance of winning. They won zero times one year and twice the next. His coaches made him captain so he wouldn’t abandon the team…along with three other people. So it’s only recently that football doesn’t give him nightmares. And the first game I actually paid attention to was when UT won the championship (as opposed to playoff?) with Vince Young. See? I know another QB!

      • mooselicker says:

        Don’t sweat it, football confuses me a lot too. Vince Young is the guy that was good for a year then everybody booed him and got run out of Tennessee. Nobody gets run out of Tennessee. I played on my high school football team for 2 practices. I’d list the thousands of reasons why I quit but you can just reread my post entitled “Hard Workers” and that will pretty much sum it up.

  5. He is definitely packing some tissues or old chewing gum in those pants of his.

    It’s weird to imagine a sportsman making such a public issue over their religious beliefs. Football/soccer fans over here tend to be quite vocal and make up chants about individual players they love or hate.

    A footballer doing the same thing in an English league would get quite a shock.

    • mooselicker says:

      I’m still convinced everyone in England is an Atheist. If you have the same religion in one area for too long you get bored of it. Even the worst and biggest wimp on the field of an English Soccer game must be tougher than half the players we have in America. We need drugs to make us angry. Some of you guys don’t even need a reason.

  6. mindwarpfx says:

    Does it take some balls to be a footballer who prays? I thought that prayer was a person who was having a relationship with their GOD? Praying at a drop of a hat, all to keep GOD giving him some talent to play a game for money. On the day Tim Tebow should be in church. Is like a wife who has put a shock coller on your penis, to keep her husban from cheeting on her. Like the ideas and post. You have also been mentiond on my blog. So you may have to go and see who is saying what?
    All the best!

    • mooselicker says:

      That’s the perfect comparison with the penis and the shock collar. It makes my privates hurt, but was worth the read. So many football players are religious already. Most people would probably never know that. Lots of athletes in general have God in their life. I can’t blame them. They’re millionaires. It’d be sick not to with how their lives turned out.

      Thanks for the mention on the blog! I’ve been slacking on reading other posts by lots of people. You were the first blog I followed and the first to follow me so you’ll always have a place in my shriveled heart.

  7. Addie (Adair) says:

    The student cafeteria at the University of Colorado is named the Alfred Packer Grill. You may win Jeopardy with that information one day. If so, you have to split the winnings with me.

    • mooselicker says:

      Split the winnings? Hmm what if it’s a $200 question and I end up winning a lot more? If I’m ever on Jeopardy that’s the day we know society is about to fall.

      On a serious note, I actually used to be amazing at Jeopardy. You watch that show for 2 straight years, you pick up on a lot.

  8. Cafe23 says:

    hahaha … tim tebow was making me mad because he was getting way too much glory for those fourth quarter comebacks when his skills are disgraceful. really ugly throws. anyways, i felt like he and the rest of the world (except for you, clearly) needed to be taught a lesson, so i was glad when the patriots kicked their asses. anyways, have a happy new year’s, tim 🙂

    • mooselicker says:

      I was hoping you’d see this. I remember reading on your page that you’re a big NFL fan. (See, I did remember something!) He’s the Mr. Magoo of football. So clumsy and pitiful yet he doesn’t seem to end up walking down that open elevator shaft.

      Happy New Year to you too Soo (I’m guessing that’s your name from your email address)! If that isn’t your name then have a good one either way, Helen?

      • Cafe23 says:

        Lol, impressive. Yes, I love NFL football. Greatest sport ever invented by humankind.

        Good guess, Soojung is my Korean name. But my actual name is Janice 🙂

  9. robpixaday says:

    LMHO!!!!!!

    Hmmm…now I know way more than I wanted to about Tim Tebow. The few things I used to know were enough for me to look askance at him when he turns up on TV. But that’s just me.

    You are the best “Mooselicker Tim” I ever encountered, bar none. No looking askance at you. You get the whole-face gaze, two eyes pointed straight at you, ears forward, mind in high gear, ready to take in the brilliance. Seriously.

    If Tim Tebow starts a blog I may check it out, but reading it askance will be tricky. You’ll still be ahead in my Bloggy Universe, no matter what.

    • mooselicker says:

      Thanks! I am glad I seem to be everybody’s favorite Tim. Tebow is also 236 pounds. Fatso! Muscle doesn’t really weigh more than fat. That’s just something my mom would say to make me feel better.

      I wonder what he’d write about. Which knee he likes to kneel on more? Stop praying and learn to stay in the pocket.

  10. robpixaday says:

    “I wonder what he’d write about…?”

    Haaaaa!

  11. BuddhaKat says:

    hahahaha… I hate football cuz I’m from Minnesota (bah humbug)… yaaaaay mooselicker – boooooo tebow…. personally I think that’s just trivializing prayer for sport folks and reality show contestants to pray for success (I am neutral about prayer itself, but I believe it still deserves respect)… great job again, Tim… smooth divulging of personal info too… nicely done…
    🙂

    • mooselicker says:

      You got the Vikings in Minnesota. They were good in the 90s. I know, you guys in Minnesota love your cabin fishing or whatever that’s called. You’re Canadians. Admit it! I guarantee someone with the last name Lafleur or Roy (pronounced Wah) lives near you.

      Thanks for the kind words. You’re such a sweetie pie.

  12. […] Quarterbacks (all about why I’m better than Tim Tebow) […]

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