Quarterbacks

Set. Down. Blue 42. Blue 42. Set Down. Hut. Hut. Hut. Hike!

That’s quarterback talk for “not yet not yet not yet not yet not yet not yet not yet not yet not yet okay now!” I could never be a quarterback. Chances are, even if you don’t know much about sports, you know what a quarterback is. They’re the players in football who throw the ball. You know their names. Tom Brady, Michael Vick, Peyton Manning; quarterbacks are mainstream. You know them for dating super models, killing dogs, and enjoying Oreos with their ugly brothers when they themselves are already ugly. Oreos don’t make you ugly by the way. Ugly people just happen to like them. And if you like Oreos you’re not automatically ugly. Oreos are the best cookies in the world. That’s why when someone calls a half-black half-white person an Oreo it should be a compliment and not a racial insult.

A new quarterback has taken over as a famous dude. His name is Tim Tebow. If you’ve turned on ESPN, attended any sporting event, or use the Internet then you’ve at least seen his name or heard something about him. I don’t know much about the guy. Mostly because the more I learn about someone the more I hate them. That’s why being ignorant to my Tebow knowledge is a good thing. I have enough millionaires to hate. One more would be too many.

However, I do have one issue with Tebow. We share a first name. This is something that I cannot deny or change until I legally change my name. I shouldn’t be forced into a new identity because of the association with the name. That’s not fair. I am better than Tim Tebow. This is why.

(He’s clearly stuffing his crotch)

1 -Tim Tebow has a reputation for starting off poorly and making incredible comebacks. Me? I’m consistent. I usually start off poorly or mediocre and continue that trend. I’m a straight line of success or failure. It all depends on how you hold the chart. If I was quarterback for the Denver Broncos they’d be 0-16. You’d know not to bother watching. With Tebow, you get nervous and eventually he will disappoint you. Not with me. What you see is what you get. A winless season.

2 -Tim Tebow does not have sex. It’s against his beliefs. His morals. Okay grandma, what’s the gimmick? Tebow is devoted to his belief in God. He likes to sing religious songs. He prays after good plays. I used to pray. I would pray for my family and loved ones to be safe, happy, and healthy. You couldn’t meet a more miserable group of people with a lot of health problems. We are pretty safe though. 1 out of 3 isn’t bad. That’s almost what Meatloaf said. I don’t like when religion is brought in somewhere that it shouldn’t be. Lots of people feel this way with Tebow. God didn’t help you win those games. Poor defensive and inappropriately setting up in a Nickel Package did. Look me, pretending I know football strategy. I haven’t played Madden since 2005 but I still sound like I know what I’m talking about.

3 -Tim Tebow went to college in Florida. Do you know who else went to college in Florida, Carrot Top! Shit that isn’t good. Brooke Hogan went to college there too. Hulk Hogan’s favorite sex was a Florida alumni. I only know this because my friend went to the same college as them and knew that his life was over. I think Tebow was a Florida Gator. Gator? Too lazy to spell out the whole word? Tim Tebow takes shortcuts. That’s a coward’s way to live. I never take shortcuts with words. I always spell them all the way out. That’s how you know I’m legit.

4 -Tim Tebow has a term named after him, Tebowing. It’s what people say when they came from behind and win. I don’t have anything named after myself. Actually I do! Boiling. When you take something and cook it so hot that it begins to boil, that’s called boiling. My last name is Boyle! Boyling and Boiling are only one letter off. And since Y is only sometimes a vowel you can easily replace it with any other vowel of your choosing. I win Tebow. I had something named after my last name before you.

5 -Tim Tebow is younger than I am. I’m older and have more knowledge of the world. Tebow’s had everything handed to him. Women who he turned down, money that he probably donated to charity, and compliments which he humbly denied. Me, I work for my shit. I tell jokes and lie to women to get them to like me. I prance around like a monkey to get noticed. With money I do things I don’t want to do. I have to sit a lot too. It’s hard work. All that staring at a computer has damaged my eyes! And I most certainly don’t give away that money. Why should you give away a gift? That’s racist. I also always thank other for compliments. If you humbly deny a compliment it’s like telling the person who complimented you that they’re stupid. Tebow is a jerk.

6 -Tim Tebow probably knows all of the words to a couple of Jesus Hymns. I used to know all the words to Smashmouth’s song All-Star. He probably also has a favorite Bible Verse. I’m sure it’s probably John 3:16. My favorite Bible Verse is Austin 3:16, and that says “Tim Tebow I just whooped your ass.”

7 -Tim Tebow’s name comes up as incorrect in spell check. Mine does not. Do you know what else comes up in my spell check? Terd. So does the word turd. Which one is the correct spelling of terd/turd? I know, Tebow. Because Tim Tebow, that’s what you are, a terd/turd.

8 -Tim Tebow plays football in Denver. I remember another person from Colorado. His name was Alferd Packer. Not Alfred, but Alferd. He was accused of cannibalism during the gold rush and ultimately convicted. There’s a musical about it. I’ve never eaten another person. I’ve thought about it. Never have. How can we trust that Tim Tebow won’t get lost in the woods and eat the rest of his party? We can’t. Stay away from Tebow. He’ll eat you.

I could go on forever about how I am better than Tim Tebow. I’ll stop here because he’s a sensitive guy and might cry. I really don’t mind him. From what I’ve heard, he’s a swell guy who at least pretends to care about others. I’m also not a football fan. Our paths will probably never cross. Even at the annual Tim Convention that’s held every year in Dallas I doubt I’ll see him. We run in different circles. Maybe he’ll read this though and stop and say hello. He’ll mend the fence that divides us. I will take that opportunity to prove to him in person that I am better than he is. Push-up competitions, sexy dance-offs, first quarter passing percentages, I will probably win them. But he’s still a nicer guy than I am. And it’s like the saying goes. Nice guys always win.