Methods

Posted: December 30, 2011 in Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , , , , ,

(Cheese from the television show The Wire. His real name is Method Man. This has nothing to do with him)

My girlfriend and I argue about a lot of things. For one she thinks drowning would be a peaceful way of dying. I even showed her the movie “The Prestige” where Michael Cain says that drowning was like “going home” then at the end says that it is “agony.” She’s still not convinced even after everyone else agrees with me. I’ve offered to hold her head underwater so she can experience that peace. She refuses. This proves she knows she’s wrong.

I’d mention a few things that we argue about that I’m probably at fault, but this is my blog where I am perfect. She can start her own or create a Livejournal account to complain about how she never really liked me. I had a girl do that. That was depressing to read that someone really doesn’t feel like seeing you and you’ve only been dating a week. Christ. You’d think I’d have at one point hit a woman. I don’t hit girls though. Unless they ask me to. Believe it or not, more than a few have. Females are sick.

One thing that my Old Lady (I’ve been catching up on Sons of Anarchy and really want a motorcycle gang. First rule of SAMCRO is to call your bitch your Old Lady) has said to me is that she thinks if she were to break up with me that I would kill myself. I’ve thought about this. I don’t think I would. I hope I wouldn’t. I spent the first 21 years of my life practically alone. Losing someone who you actually love would be cake. I could ease back into the single life no problem, right? Honestly I know I could never kill myself. I still have to abuse alcohol and drugs first, write more poetry, give up everything that I already love to do, get really fat or really skinny from not caring about my diet, and possible do a few more cries for help such as posting Dashboard Confessional lyrics as my Facebook status.

I’m curious though, her thinking I would kill myself. How does she think I would do it? I asked her and what she said didn’t make sense. She said I would hang myself. Hmmm that wouldn’t work. I need to figure out which rhetorical way of killing myself would be best.

1) Hanging

Like I said, she thinks I would hang myself. It’s how most people kick the bucket when they take their own life. I could not do this. It took me until 3rd grade to stop wearing Velcro shoes. I still rarely untie my shoes. I’m terrible with knots. There also isn’t anywhere in my apartment to hang from. Shower curtain rods are too weak and where I hang my shirts is too low. I also don’t want to die in the closet. People would make too many gay jokes at my funeral.

2) Gunshot

This is probably the way I would go if I really had to. It’s messy and sends a message that I really was upset. But if I was ever going to shoot myself I would have to go out and get a gun. I’d probably have to wait a week to get it. My emotions sway so much that by the time I got the gun I wouldn’t be so upset anymore. Then I’d be stuck with a gun and nothing to do with it besides flash it at parties. I won’t be eating a bullet. Too much paper work.

3) Jumping

Falling off of something high would be the best way for me to go in theory. I broke my leg falling 3 feet from the air. I broke it again when someone slid into my leg. I’d probably splatter into soup if I fell from 10 feet. There aren’t any really tall buildings near me though. That’s going to be a problem. I also don’t have access to a ladder. And, looking down from a high place, I know I’d chicken out. I’d have to get a good job or a penthouse apartment to really accomplish this. If either of those happened I’d have no reason to jump.

4) Wrist Slitting

I would never slit my wrists. That really creeps me out. My wrists are really thin and girly. I really feel like I don’t have forearms, just one vein running from my elbow to my hand. I have plenty of sharp objects I could do this with. I’d have to do it in a bath tub too. I still don’t know though. Dying with my head that close to the toilet? What if I become a ghost and have to be in that bath tub forever? People will have sex and masturbate on my soul. Yeah, not a good plan.

5) Car Crash

I don’t know if people kill themselves by purposely causing car crashes too often, but I’m running out of ideas. This is a risky one. There’s no guarantee that you’ll die. You may end up paralyzed and miserable. Or paralyzed and become an inspirational speaker. It all depends on how fat your tongue is and if you are a people person. I could easily crash my car. One time I’m pretty sure I did it subconsciously. I was driving straight minding my own business and for no reason at all my car swerved off the highway into a small ditch. I was fine and still have no clue what happened. I took my car in to see what was wrong. One of the mechanics asked if I use my car to “go Mudding.” I didn’t know what this meant so he laughed at me. I hate when people laugh at me. It makes me want to drive off the road into a tree.

6) Pills

Again, this is a risky one. You might end up throwing up all night. I hate throwing up. I haven’t done it since Christmas Eve when I was around 10 years old. I have an iron stomach. I can eat an entire box of high fiber cereal in one sitting. The only side effect is that the next day my stomach hurts and it shoots out the back of me. I learned not to do this. It took a couple tries, but finally I know not to eat like a pig. I don’t know what pills I should take to snuff myself either. Allergy pills would probably just make me never get a sniffle again. Why is suicide so hard?

7) Electrocution

People don’t usually electrocute themselves to death. There’s the old toaster in the bath tub trick. I don’t own a toaster. I could always throw my laptop in there with me, but I have 180 saved Word Documents saved. I’d like some of them to make it. This again means that I’d have to die with my head near a toilet. It reminds me too much of Elvis and I’ve never been an Elvis guy. Plus, don’t I have to be naked to die in a bath tub? The water will be cold by the time someone finds me and we all know what happens when a naked boy is cold. I don’t want to end with that false legacy.

8) Carbon Monoxide Poisoning

I think that’s what comes out of cars. I don’t own a garage. You need a garage or at least a random tube to connect to your tailpipe to do this. I know the guy from Boston used a grill inside his home to do himself in. I don’t own a grill either. Shit. What do I own? This also takes too long. I’m very impatient. Especially in the car. I definitely won’t be doing this ever. I’m not a garage guy. Garages are for people who own bikes and a second refrigerator

9) Oven

I haven’t used my oven once since I moved into my apartment. It took me 9 months before I used the stove top. The pilot burnt out after a month. I don’t have strong enough knees to put my head in the oven. My head is always probably too big. I’d have to take out the racks first. I’ve already made it pretty clear that if I kill myself I won’t be working hard for it. Ovens are for baked goods, not sad boy’s heads.

10) Train Hitting

This is actually pretty trendy. All of the hipsters talk about it. Whenever I see a train speed by I think about that part in Hostel when the Asian woman with the eye hanging out of her face jumped in front of the train. That last sentence was written poorly, but it’s taken me too long to try to figure out how to reword it. I’m around enough trains, but it’s nothing I’m interested in doing. I’d be afraid of being dragged or having my arm cut off. It’s weird that planes still hit people. I’ve known people who’ve known people who had that happen to them. It could have been a lie. People like to brag about knowing cool folks.

When it comes down to it, there is no perfect way for me to kill myself. It’s just too much work. Another thing my girlfriend argues with me about is saying that I’m a quitter. Fuck you whore. I made a list of 10 ways for me to kill myself. I thought I was going to stop around 6, but I didn’t quit. I kept trucking along. You’ll argue that I’m still a quitter because I didn’t do any of them. Then I’ll feel bad about myself and make a new list of things. It’s an endless cycle of pain, but I still love you. Bitch.

P.S. This is my last post of the year. I wanted to let you know since this was all about killing myself that if I don’t post for a few days, I am not dead. I am busy changing my thousands of calendars.

Thank you for a lovely year. Writing this blog has been helpful for several reasons. Most importantly, self discovery. I do not wish to get sappy, I will save that for a future post I have planned. I hope you all have a Happy New Year and get to kiss someone hot at midnight.

Comments
  1. Pete Howorth says:

    Carbon Monoxide Poisoning is definitely a good idea, you just go sleepy and don’t wake up. Or so I’ve heard anyway, I wouldn’t be writing now if I did this. But it’s pretty painless.

    I’ve often contemplated it and thought “No it hurts.” despite the fact you won’t be feeling the pain long you still don’t want the pain leading up to the moment you die. I suppose being hit by a train would be alright as you’ll just explode from the sheer force and you won’t feel anything.

    You could just slap a gangster in the face and he’ll take care of the rest.

    • mooselicker says:

      Good points. The gangster thing though, they seem to use that sharp rope to strangle people a lot. I really don’t want to be strangled. I don’t like my neck gentle touched with soft fingers which means I know I won’t want a knot around it. I would definitely like to go out being shot by a Tommy Gun. Victims of Tommy Gun shoots like look they’re dancing as they get filed with bullets.

    • Pete Howorth says:

      Oh! And Happy New Year! I’ll be spending my New Years Eve in Brighton, the gay capital of England… away from my girlfriend… with a bunch of men.

      So I may come back with some sort of disease.

  2. hello100blog says:

    Reblogged this on Hello100blog.

  3. Addie (Adair) says:

    Before you think about killing yourself, remember Lupe Vélez. She was a mid level movie person in the ’40s, and was married to Johnny Weissmuller–you know, the real Tarzan?–whom she divorced. Moving along, she went through another marriage, some bad films, debt and eventually *GASP!* was made with child by someone she was dating. Being a bit of a showman, she threw a big party, inviting all of her friends, serving tequila and various spicy Mexican foods, knowing full well those who catered the affair would be stiffed. Little did they know she’d be a stiff, too. Upon waving good-bye, she went upstairs, re-did her makeup, dressed beautifully, spread flowers all over her bed, took a bottle of pills with a goodly amount of tequila, and lay down to die.

    It was reported by Hedda Hopper that a Personal Assistant (see? again with the bad job) found her, looking as if she were asleep, surrounded by the flowers and her pet chihuahuas curled next to her cold body.

    In reality, the assistant found her in the bathroom. It was surmised that the food and drink and pills stirred around in Lupe’s tummy enough to wake her up (proof that toilet training never leaves you) enough to stumble into the bathroom, where she drowned with her head in the toilet.

    Thank you class. There will be a 20 question test on this tomorrow, with one an essay question that will count for 35 points.

    Happy New Year. And, why aren’t I on your blog roll, hmmm?

    • mooselicker says:

      Interesting story. See, I told you that you were smart and well-read.

      I’ll add you next chance I get. I think there are a few others that I have to add on there that I promised weeks ago. My bad guys! My bad.

  4. Lily says:

    In my opinion, this is one of your funniest blogs. I think, if I had to choose, I would do Carbon Monoxide poisoning because you fall asleep peacefully. I like that your gf never admits to being wrong–a true woman. One time my mom said that being water boarded looked like fun.
    Not to be gross, but train hitting is a super trend in my home town. 4 people did it last year. I didn’t know any of them, so I can talk about it. Also, someone set their self on fire. Perhaps that’s your death of choice?

    • Addie (Adair) says:

      I love the waterboarding line! If I’m serious, I’d have to say my way of choice would be freezing or carbon monoxide. My problem is, I don’t want to be found in a pool of body waste, so, I’d have to starve and not have water or anything for a few days before. I’m not sure I’m up to all the prep work.

      Oh, and your GF? Yay for never admitting she’s wrong. Never apologize, never explain is my motto.

    • mooselicker says:

      Thanks for the compliments! Sadness always brings out the best in me.

      I would never go for fire. I’m bothered when the temperature gets above 75. My skin can barely handle hot water in the shower. Two years ago was a big year for jumping in front of trains in NJ. I think it happened 3 times in one month. The things we do to be popular…

  5. robpixaday says:

    ::giggles::

    I read this and although I LOL’d frequently and wanted to let you know how much I enjoyed it, I thought maybe I was being a pest today so I nearly left your site when SUDDENLY I saw my name in the sidebar. Woooooooooooohoooooooooooooo!!! What an honor! Many thanks!

    See you in 2012, unless those End-of-the-World dudes have the dates wrong.

  6. You forgot marriage as one way to die a painful slow agonizing death

  7. Lisa says:

    I have to agree with Pete. Carbon Monoxide is the way to go. I have given this a great deal of thought, you know, at different depressing intervals in my life. I picture myself parked in the garage with the windows down ( so the carbon monoxide could find me). I would make a special CD with my favorite music, I might have to make two, not sure how long it would take? I would wear something comfortable but attractive, then recline the seat and just drift off….

    The hardest part might be choosing the perfect songs for my death mix. (maybe if I put Coldplay on it, the process would be sped up? Haha!)

    And on a completely different note, HAPPY NEW YEAR!!
    Thanks for being so clever and likable and entertaining the troops with your witty and profound thoughts!

    • mooselicker says:

      Carbon monoxide really does seem like the way to go doesn’t it? I need a home with a garage.

      I hope you had a happy New Year. Thanks for checking me out (not like that!). I appreciate your input and perspective.

  8. Addie (Adair) says:

    Here’s the thing that always stopped me:

    1. The body waste issue. Seriously, ick.

    2. How do I know people will be sorry I’m gone, that they will miss me? I have visions of the police arriving, “I’m sorry, but, we found Addie in a pool of her own body waste–which was SO disgusting, btw–and, well, she’s dead.” “Really? Wow. I’m totally taking her laptop and the car. Look, just put the body in the paupers field, and, we’ll send flowers or something. Thanks!!”

    Which is proof you need to stick around, and make them pay for your depression.

    • mooselicker says:

      I like this evil side of you. It’s very true though. Who says we’ll really be missed? I’ll miss you so hey, that’s one person to keep you motivated. What if I die in a car accident? Then I guess you’ll have to do it.

  9. Drowning would be an awful way to die. Your girlfriend is a mental.

    I would like to commit suicide by grenade. Pull the pin, hold it under your chin and then a few seconds later it is all over. Easy.

    Or by atom bomb.

    Happy new year.

  10. After reading the whole thing, I have a few thoughts I’d like to share with you.
    1: I’d rather you don’t call females sick. My precious blog and I feel insulted.
    2: I know someone who killed herself by injecting oxygen into her veins. That’s how Damien killed his mother in The Omen. I’m just saying.
    3: If you take enough pills (and the right pills, this means no contraceptive pills) you could die without throwing up all night.
    4: If you’d be in need of a high building, you can jump off of the Eiffel Tower, so you can see a bit of the world before you die.
    5: In America it’s so easy if you want to kill yourself with a gun. I’m jealous. You can just buy it. Unless you have a hunting license, there is no way of buying a gun in fucking rainy Belgium.
    6: Happy New Year for you, too!

    • mooselicker says:

      You seem depressed. Probably for being such a sick person sicko teehee

      Not everyone in America does have a gun. I don’t think I’ve ever even seen a gun not on a police officer’s hip. Why was I looking at his hip? He was rock solid, that’s why. I was comparing bodies. Does not make me gay. Makes me curious about where I stand.

      Happy New Year to you too!

  11. Well, such source of inspiration. Happy New year everyone! If you make it, at least.

  12. BuddhaKat says:

    damn… I love everything about this post… even that it’s your end of year post… so fitting… I did a lot of loling, and I can’t help but chuckle each time I think of your obit that says he died, still in the closet… poor, sad boy…
    I agree that drowning is not a good way to go… I can’t even watch TV scenes where they drive the car into deep water, outside water pressure prevents you from opening the door so you can’t escape… awful… I suggest hiring a hit man to shoot you… that way you’ll never be exactly sure when it’s coming and it should be quick… make sure to pay for the best, like a sniper, or someone who’s NOT going to miss, or just get you in the hand or so… it’s worth it – you don’t want to have any $$$ left for those fools who depressed you in the first place to inherit…
    so…
    I also wanted to congrat you on your TIME/mindwarpfx Person of the Year award… like mindwarpfx mentioned, “person” is singular but refers to many (well, more than one, anyway), I think that’s the same as using the royal “we” for a single person…
    anywho… we’re gonna wish you a safe new year, cuz you’ve been thinking of such stuff that may put you in danger over the weekend… and you can’t die cuz too many of us need to see your blog more and more and more… (that’s the royal “we” and “us”)… CU next year, dude… 😉

    • mooselicker says:

      I don’t know where to start. Thanks for all the accolades. It’s nice to be reminded of my brilliance. And hey, you ain’t too bad yourself.

      Suicide by police would be pretty cool. Live a video game for real? What could be a cooler way of dying? I don’t think I’d use the last of my money to die though. I’d pay off enough people to begin the clockworks of the end of times. Maybe help out a violent cult and provide a compound with weapons? I’m just riffin’ here.

      Happy New Year to you. Thanks for reading and keep up the good work!

  13. Emily He says:

    There are so many ways to die! But you’re right, it takes too much work to pull off any of those things you mentioned, except maybe jumping. As for ovens, I wish I had one. And toasters, I wish China could make good bread to toast. Oy. can’t wait for you to get sappy!

    • mooselicker says:

      I never would have thought the Chinese sucked at making toasters. You guys are pretty good at everything. I guess the only thing you lack is the skills to make a balanced breakfast.

      United States – 1
      China – 4,802,893,583

      You’re in love with my soft side aren’t you?

  14. How can you not own a toaster and still consider life worth living? Toast is the shit. Except when you burn it and you have to scrape off all the burnt bits with a knife into the sink. Thankfully I have found the perfect setting on my toaster which results in perfectly toasted bread every time – life is good. Speaking of toasters, you could always put a knife in the toaster? And how could you not consider death by acid bath? Personally, I would choose to die by heroin overdose, because that’s what all the cool kids are doing. Speaking of suicide, I recently visited Aokigahara forest in Japan, which is the second highest suicide location in the world. The place is haunted I swear. I saw nooses hanging from trees and all sorts of scary-blair-witch-project-type-shit while I was there. That’s one place you don’t want to kill yourself… Happy new year!

    • mooselicker says:

      That place sound horrific! There must be a horror movie about it. If there isn’t we shall write one. In our minds at the very least.

      I’m not that all into bread. I get bloated easily. I know, I know. I sound like a fat woman on Weight Watchers. That’s what I am at heart.

      Happy New Year to you too buddy!

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