Aryan Brothers

Posted: January 3, 2012 in Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , , , , ,

Allow me to play the Devil’s Advocate here for a moment. Yes, the Aryan Brotherhood are pretty scummy. I get it. But we thought the same thing about the first person we ever dated. We saw them and thought “I would never date him/her/it. They’re so gross!” You can’t judge a book by its cover. Even if that cover is full of swastika tattoos, pure white skin, and a head shaved with a knife.

I began to read a book about the Aryan Brotherhood and other secret societies. It was quite a boring book. I haven’t touched it in a year and it still sits on my shelf waiting to be finished. It’s a tough book to read. Lots of facts in it. There are also Klansmen on the cover. It’s kind of rough to bring on a train with me. I’ll have to explain at every stop that it isn’t a doctrine of life advice, just a story about history. There was a chapter about the Aryan Brotherhood. I read it and that makes me qualified to know a lot about them. If you’re in the A.B. and I get something wrong, please let me know. This is nowhere for you to hide your shame.

Brothers always get along. Unless they’re Aryan Brothers. What could possibly be good about the Aryan Brotherhood? First, you will need to know that they are not actually brothers. No, they’re not two pesky boys causing trouble like some people might think. In fact, someone has thought that. I know for a fact that they thought it. Can you imagine how bad of a mother they must have if all of her sons turned into violent racist rednecks? When they call each other “brother” it’s no different from if I called a buddy my “bro.” Well, it is different. I never go out with my “bros” and commit hate crimes. At least not race based ones. A few teachers have had to suffer our wrath. That’s what they get for scheduling a pop quiz on a Friday!

A good thing that the A.B. does is smash windows. You might be thinking that’s a bad thing. You’re wrong. Windows are so inconvenient. I mean they’re always in the way of the outside. Whenever you need a pie to cool on a window sill you need to open a window to do it. Not when the Aryans are around. They’ll smash that window with a rock in the middle of the night. Pie cooling has never been easier. Windows are also bothersome in the way that they are always getting dirty. They’re like my butt only more birds fly into it them and die. The A.B. should probably ask more before smashing windows. I can see how that might annoy some people. But with the bad rap they’ve got, they’re probably too shy to come over and ask if your window needs smashing. It’s our own faults really.

The A.B. gives white guys in prison a place to assimilate into. I’m not that worried about going to prison. I’m such a coward I’m afraid parking more than 6 inches away from the curb will cause a police beating. If I do find myself in prison though, the A.B. is the only place I’d belong. The Latinos wouldn’t like me because I can’t do a Rosie Perez impression and the blacks would hate me because I double dribble too much. I’d cost them the big prison versus guards basketball game with too much traveling. The A.B. is the only other place for me to go. I’d have to become a prag (prison bitch). There is no doubt about that. I imagine the biggest meanest Aryan would have me doing things that I never thought I’d have to do for the chance to use toilet paper. Surviving prison is vital. I won’t be able to do it without a little help from the good people in the Aryan Brotherhood.

Muscle shirts are an institution of America. It’s one of the last businesses that haven’t outsourced to other countries. Most likely because other countries cannot afford enough to eat to build the kind of muscles that look good in a muscle shirt. Aryans always wear muscle shirts. Even the stick armed ones do it. It’s their calling card. Their uniform. Aren’t we always taught to respect a man in uniform? They’re helping out the economy too. The economy, the thing that affects us all so much. If the economy sucks then I can’t afford important things like hair gel or novelty key chains. Thanks to the Aryans, I can spend my money on the essentials.

You may still not be convinced. That’s fine. That was never my intention. I merely wanted you to rethink your judgment of the Brothers Aryan. I would never willingly join the group, as great as they sound. I can’t deal with short hair year round. Don’t they get cold in the winter? Colorado must have a weak A.B. At least the KKK get Pope hats. They’re probably too hot though, hiding under those curtains. There’s no winning when it comes to joining a racist organization.

  1. Lily says:

    I watched a documentary on neo nazis. Crazy how stuff like that still exists. My grandma gave me some books that she had about Hilter. They’re PRO Hitler books. I have them in my room. I’m afraid to show anyone. I could probably make some big bucks off of them though.

    • Addie (Adair) says:

      Here would be some great irony–burn the Nazi books!! woot!

    • mooselicker says:

      Those books sound like they’d provide amazing guffaws and laughs. The only Nazi stuff I know is a playing card with the Third Reich pictured and a knife with a Nazi switchblade. It’s cool to have, but who can I really brag about that to? You apparently. The blood of racial hatred runs through you.

  2. Addie (Adair) says:

    Once, I stopped to give a guy a lift, he was hitchhiking through the desert, I felt sorry for him, I was young and stupid. SO, in return, he gave me a two hour lecture on how the banks started wars because war was good for the economy of this country(this was long before Iraq or Afghanistan–boy, would he be wrong!), and, that Jews owned the banks.

    At that point, I started looking for any sign of someone else, a tossed out beer can, the sound of a 16 wheeler pulling up behind me, an exit sign–please, please let there be an–YES!!!! I couldn’t wait to get him out of the car, yet, I was also terrified he’d shiv me (I did watch Oz, remember) and my parents wouldn’t get anything for the car, because they blood stains wouldn’t come out of the seats or carpet. As I let him out, he dug into his backpack; I actually squished my eyes shut, waiting. I was (am) such a wimp. He handed me a book, ‘None Dare Call it Conspiracy’. It was all about, yep, the AR. Now, I’m not fond of the AR, even if Vern did run it and go on to become a noted spokesperson for an insurance company. After reading the book (I’ve also read Mein Kampf), I burned it, and, washed my hands, I felt that dirty.

    Two excellent books on the role of the ‘common’ population during Hitler’s rule are ‘Ordinary Men’, a study of the Reserve Battalion 101 (I think) who were responsible for rounding up and sending off to the Camps a large number of Polish Jews–men who weren’t soldiers, just your average guy. The other is ‘Hitler’s Willing Executioners’, which raised controversy and, is written in answer to Browning’s Ordinary Men. I recommend both.

    As far as reading the book in question on the train–here is a link to remind you how to make a book cover out of a paper bag. Either that, or, when confronted, pretend you don’t understand spoken English. May work.

    • I would probably be freaked out as well at giving someone like that a lift.

      It also seems to be that the more extreme your views, the more likely you are to just start telling people about them.

    • mooselicker says:

      You have lived some life Adair, my dear. I hope this hitchhikers story took place long ago before emails or Urban Legends. And don’t forget, Vern ended up becoming a loving father in Juno. Maybe that took place before Oz did. Like he was so pissed off that his teenage daughter was impregnated by a Jew (Michael Cera HAS to be Jewish, he looks it and is an actor) and then became a racist. That’s how I see it.

      I’ll probably just read the book at home. My dog is pretty racist himself. He won’t mind.

      • Addie says:

        Looking back, I still see my life as fairly bland. Your comment about Vern made me laugh. My Mother lives in a small town, and is unable to see how it’s changed.

        Mother: I went with Maggie (friends since they were 3. I can’t imagine) to drop off some stuff at that little church. Why, we were the only white people there!

        Me: You live in a town of 10,000, and it’s 73% black.

        Mother: Goodness!! When did that happen?

        Me: (head on desk repeatedly)

  3. The pictures couldn’t be better for this blog topic.

  4. Only you, mooselicker, can take a sensitive subject that might offend someone, and not only not offend anyone, but add humor to it. If you do go to prison, I promise I’ll come and visit you.

    • mooselicker says:

      Awww you’re so sweet. You’ll have to smuggle me in a copy of your book once it comes out. Make it paperback. Hard cover is more difficult to put up your butt.

  5. I only know about the Aryan Brotherhood from Oz. It’s such a ridiculous name that I would otherwise think it was a comedy name or a band name for some bored teenagers.

    I watched Point Break the other day. Did you know that Tobias Beecher is in it? He is the one faffing around with the fire when they go night surfing, and the one who films himself holding a knife to the girl’s throat.

    • mooselicker says:

      Yep! Good o’le Toby. It bothered me that they only mentioned his death and we didn’t get to see him kick it. I think he mostly does theater. He’s such a talent. I’d love for him to do more.

  6. Lisa says:

    I like that you were able to find some redeeming qualities to attribute to the Aryan brothers; window breaking, keeping the muscle shirt industry alive and my favorite, prison allies. You have a gift for presenting an odd but valuable perspective that escapes everyone else! Haha! love it!

  7. Cafe23 says:

    Nope, haven’t rethought anything. But nice try haha =P

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