Posted: January 4, 2012 in Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , , , , ,

My last post was about the Aryan Brotherhood. This one is about motorcycles. Can you tell I just finished watching Season 2 of Sons of Anarchy? I’m actually onto Season 4. That’s how long ago I wrote this. That’s today’s useless fact that nobody cares to know.

There’s something sexy about motorcycles–to women. I don’t find them sexy at all. They’re a lot nuisance. Also, much more difficult to run off the road than a motor less bike. Can you also tell that I don’t like any sort of bike?

I’ve never ridden on a motorcycle. I’m not into bad boys. Most people who ride motorcycles are Vietnam Veterans. That’s actually not a fact. It’s more of an assumption based on 1:1 people whom I know drive a motorcycle. That’s how the government gets numbers. They ask one person then assume it represents everyone. I should work for the government. Polling myself, 100% of the world agrees.

(“We love you Mooselicker!” – people of earth)

Motorcycles are entirely too loud. I can handle loud noises like anybody else. I like my soda to fizzle and my music cranked up to a medium decibel. My ears can take it. Coming from a cycle with a motor though is different. I don’t like loud machines. I don’t know why. I’m thinking one killed me in a previous life. The movie The Mangler based on a Stephan King book was probably based on that previous life. I think it’s about a sewing machine that eats people. I already own Thinner. Next on my DVD collection should be The Mangler.

Guys who ride are not nearly as badass as you would think. If my 2001 Subaru Forrester fought a new Harley Davidson, my car would win. There’s really no doubt about it either. Motorcycles are wimps. First off, they have half as many wheels. Half as many tires to not go flat. You get one flat tire on a motorcycle, you’re half way dead. I don’t have a second off. I thought I might, but I don’t. The point of this paragraph is that motorcycles are death traps. A Prius could slam into them and crush it. Safety first. That’s what I always say while in the car with a driver who goes more than 3 MPH over the speed limit. Those laws are there for a reason. And always remember to buckle up friend!

My least favorite type of motorcycle is the one where your hands have to be really high up. I think they might be called “Low-Riders.” I assume everything that Mexicans own is called a Low-Rider. Their homes aren’t small, they’re just Low-Riders. If you think I’m racist blame George Lopez for having “Low Rider” as his theme song to his television show that I would never watch. I don’t like holding my arms up high for too long. I think I have poor circulation to my hands. This could be a sign of diabetes. Or stroke. I should probably see a doctor. But what doesn’t kill me after 8 years probably won’t after 9.

I don’t begrudge anyone who drives one of these machines. Mostly because I wanted to see if begrudge had a hyphen in it or not and needed a reason to type it out. Finally, I have my closing words for my thank you card to my grandmother. I would never get a motorcycle though. You need to take care of it too much. And you need to own a tarp to put over top of it. I don’t like tarps. Their only good use is for covering the infield during a rain delay or dropping on top of a Scooby Doo villain. You’re better off using a net to catch the old man dressed as a Frankenstein. Sometimes nets aren’t around and that’s when you got with a tarp. Thought I’d let that out there for you. I used to work as a Private Dick capturing elderly hotel and amusement park tenants much like Scooby and the Gang. It’s not as glamorous as the cartoon makes it out to seem. For one they drug test a lot. Thanks Hannah Barbera. Again, your inaccuracies of real life have imprisoned my friends.

(Bears don’t wear ties. Hanna Barbera is a liar and a thief)

What’s something positive I can say about motorcycles before I can finish up here? I guess it’s that a motorcycle club can bond others. I know that they’re not like they are on Sons of Anarchy. Like I’m really supposed to believe that a bunch of thugs with chain wallets can kill people in the middle of town and not get arrested. I’ll admit, when I see others with the same car as me I look. Sometimes I smile. Motorcyclists get to do this too. They see others that “ride” and can give each other a friendly thumbs up. It’s nice. I like when people belong.

Begrudgingly Yours,


  1. Lily says:

    If you ride on a motorcycle, you’re really just testing fate, aren’t you? Isn’t that how Heather Mills lost her leg? A motorcycle accident? Maybe not. But I like to think that’s the reason. I was asked if I wanted to ride on someone’s motorcycle once and I turned down the invite.
    I’ve watched Easy Rider and WIld Hogs though. Guess which one is better.

    • mooselicker says:

      I don’t know, I saw Easy Rider and hated it! I mean that’s really high up on my list of movies that I just didn’t get.

      But for some reason I imagine saying the above in a very stoner-like voice. Jim Breuer’s voice maybe? I forgot all about Heather Mills. Kind of silly to think that the cute Beatle couldn’t get a sane chick with two legs.

      • Lily says:

        Yeah I didn’t think Easy Rider was going to be so…groovy. Wild Hogs made Easy Rider seem like the best movie ever made though.

      • Addie says:

        I always wondered if Heather Mills had a closet with a variety of legs in it, you know, one with a high heel, one with a tennis shoe, one with a flip flop. I had this vision (sans peyote, it’s just how my mind works) of when she went into labor, she yelled, “PAUL!!! QUICK!! GRAB THE PUSHING LEG!! Oh, Paul! It’s bent to fit in the stirrup, in the rack next to the one with my red Prada heel!”

      • mooselicker says:

        You are my hero 🙂

  2. Lisa says:

    The thing that always kept me off the back of a motorcycle was the idea/fear that I would weigh it down, that there wouldn’t be enough room for me and I would just look like some fat girl with jiggly, vibrating thighs. Come on, we’ve all seen ’em! Gross! (in actuality I would probably have looked pretty okay but being a self conscious teenager, I wasn’t willing to risk it.)

    Oh, and I REALLY DISLIKE George Lopez. Nobody is more unfunny.

    • mooselicker says:

      I think I’d be too self-conscious too. Who knows how much we all jiggle in a station wagon? I know I’ve seen enough ass cracks on motorcycles to keep me off the back of one. I also hear you’re a “bitch” if you do ride in the back. That’s not something I’m willing to be.

      “Hey I’m Mexican!” – George Lopez’s jokes in a nutshell

  3. Motorcycles are sexy – in theory. Seductively grasping a muscled man with dark locks and facial hair, riding on an expensive machine, feeling the vibration between your thighs…

    But in actuality, they are very unsexy. Have you ever seen a pretty girl who had just gotten off the back of her boyfriend’s bike? Bitch looks like Christina Aguilera at the MJ tribute. Oh, and they’re slightly dangerous. I literally watched someone die from a motorcycle accident one time. It scarred me fo lyfe.

    • mooselicker says:

      I know I’ve heard stories of motorcycle riders being dragged for miles by trucks. That’s a terrible way to go out. You spent all that money and time into being a badass then a large vehicle delivering snack cakes kills you. Humans are pretty weak.

  4. cat. says:

    I’m the mom of a “Harley Man” … Shaking in my boots every time he is on the road … Proud of him as well … He build/ rebuild the bike … It’s his baby … He knows it inside out … So who am I to judge and worry … What do you do when you live in a shoe/ uhm, motorcycle boot? Love, cat.

    • mooselicker says:

      Every person I know that rides a motorcycle I would never expect. I heard a group talking one time outside of a convenience store about how one of them had his daughter’s play coming up and that he wouldn’t be able to ride with them the next day. They all were very understanding.

      I feel like this isn’t relevant at all to what you said. All mothers worry about their kids. Whether they’re on a hog or a lifetime pedestrian, it’s your job to worry about your little boy.

  5. I have a moped that I’m trying to sell. It’s the size of a bicycle so I can lock it up on a bike rack. It’s not so fast – 35 mph (downhill) but it was so much fun to ride. Before kids. Now I’m scared for anyone to get on it and I won’t ride it for fear of leaving my child motherless. I had a strict rule of no-drinking for anyone riding it and it was crashed (going very slowly) after hubs and his friend rode it back from getting more beer. The deserved the road rash. My moped didn’t. I will leave this part out of the sales pitch for any potential buyers I think.

    • mooselicker says:

      I’d buy it but I fall down enough standing. Really, I have like no core strength. I’m convinced I’m always leaning and nobody has the balls to inform me how awkward I look.

      There might be a mall cop out there somewhere wanting the moped. It’s not the same as a Segway, but it gets them around. From Abercrombie & Fitch to Zales, the mall cop is on patrol.

      (this made little sense)

    • Addie says:

      I really want a moped. I’ve been told by my family this will never happen because I will die in a flaming wreck. I love that my family avoids the melodrama.

  6. I don’t know what I like reading more: Your random-ass articles or your comment replies. “Kind of sad to think that the cute Beatle couldn’t get a sane chick with two legs.” lmfao. I’m going to use that thought now every time I have to settle for a meaningless romp with a less-than-ten. I’ll be like: “Well. Number one, I’m not marrying her. And, number two: Paul McCartney married someone less hot and complete than this.” Thanks, Moose.

    • mooselicker says:

      I’m glad somebody takes notice to all the musings that are going on. I mean really, wasn’t Paul McCartney in Wings? Like the top selling band of all time? It’s not difficult to find a woman with all her limbs. I don’t know whether to commend or condemn him. I do know to thank you for reading!

  7. Motorcycles are just so…. sexy. Really. Unless you are old and fat and think you are young.

  8. robpixaday says:

    Not a fan of motorcycles at all. Too loud (usually) too scary (when under trucks and having thrown their riders like angry bulls) AND they can burn your legs. I sat on one once and burned my leg. It wasn’t even moving, just sitting there idling. BLECCCCH.

    Oh! some handlebars are called “APE HANGERS.” I learned that from the guy who owned the bike that burned my leg. He used to turn Corvettes into station wagons, using fiberglass and beer.

    Love this post. It roared politely and didn’t burn my leg.

    • mooselicker says:

      I never even thought about how hot those things would get. I’ve worn shorts in public once in the last 10 years. The chances of me doing it again and hopping on a motorcycle are slim.

      Thanks for the warning!

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