I don’t like people who say that they don’t regret a thing in their life. Really? Nothing? Not one single embarrassing moment or faux pas? Liar! Nobody is that perfect. Nobody is that optimistic about the way things are in their life. Don’t give me that “everything happens for a reason” “one thing leads to another” “mistakes are make us who we are” garbage. Even if they are all true, it doesn’t mean that you can’t have a regret.
I regret lots of stuff. That doesn’t mean I can’t accept them. I don’t know if given the chance I’d go back and change a thing. I’m too paranoid about that. I’ve seen The Butterfly Effect, A Sound of Thunder, and The Simpsons Halloween episode where Homer travels through time and kills things and that changes the present. Time travel is a scary thing to me. I do believe that the littlest event can change who you are. I also believe that the littlest event can have no relevance to you whatsoever. It’s a crapshoot. It’s better to not worry about it and just do your thang.
The biggest regret of my life happened to me 5 minutes ago. I ate Wasabi. Why? Why did I eat Wasabi? Every time I do I cough and my eyes water. I grab something to drink and mutter swears under my breath. I’m so stupid. Why do I always do this to myself? I’m like the woman who goes back to the abusive boyfriend. It’s time to admit that I like the abuse Wasabi gives me.
(I can’t decide if this looks delicious or like baby shit on St. Patrick’s Day)
Like all trendy hipsters, I enjoy my sushi. I think it has a lot to do with how funny it looks. It doesn’t look like real food. Honestly, I couldn’t tell you what it tastes like or the difference from one kind to another. It’s mostly fun to eat. I feel like I’m eating a cartoon food. Or like in that scene from Hook where they all have to imagine food. Everything is all bright blue and looks like fancy puddings or yogurts. That’s what sushi is to me. It’s a fun alien food that Rufio can throw at me and I can cut in half with a sword.
(Spoiler Alert! This kid becomes the new “Pan” at the end. That move stopped segregation completely in Neverland)
Like all trendy hipsters, I secretly hate myself. That’s why I think I always eat the Wasabi. I like to stare death in the eye. If you’re confused as to what Wasabi is then you’re not trendy like me. It’s this green Play-Do looking food (I cannot confirm that it actually is not Play-Do) that comes from the ass pimples of Satan. It’s the spiciest thing I have ever put in my mouth. And I’ve blown Ricky Martin with a jalapeno under my tongue.
I could easily skip over my Wasabi. The sushi is fine. It also comes with this clear colored stuff that looks like it came off a foot blister. I have no idea what it is, but I like it. I’m the kind of person who always cleans his plate. The last time I remember not clearing my plate was when I bought a salad, didn’t have any dressing, and thought putting hot sauce on it would do the job. I was incorrect. I ate about half the salad then threw it away. Lesson learned.
(Frank’s Redhot, put that shit on anything but a salad)
I know there is a video out there somewhere of Steve-O from Jackass snorting Wasabi. I know, I thought he had enough money too. Those guys need to hire someone to manage their money. Three Jackass movies? Unnecessary. Use your first million to start a company. Don’t waste it away on shots in a Pennsylvania bar. I’m trying to think up a good joke about Ryan Dunn here to finish this paragraph off. That might be insensitive, but remember he was like 30, driving like 100, and had an IQ of about 60. I can never under any circumstances feel bad for someone who drinks and drives then speeds. I understand sometimes there’s no other way to get home. That’s why I added that speed thing in there. If you’re going to be drinking and driving, do it cautiously. You kill someone, we get to castrate you. That sound like a deal? Sorry, this has nothing to do with Wasabi and I know how much you want to hear more about it. I just felt the need to say that drunk drivers are pricks. When you put the lives of anyone else in danger and it isn’t for the greater good then you are a scumbag. You having a fun on a Friday night is not worth anyone dying.
Rants about dumb man-children without talent over, I need to discontinue my Wasabi eating. With most regrets, after time I no longer regret it. I managed to survive a horrific event. I’m fine now. I feel more invincible than ever before. It’s difficult for me to draw the line at anything (I have shaky hands and my lines turn into to Z’s), but I have to with Wasabi. It’s going to end up killing me. My family will find me in my apartment with a half eaten container of sushi in my pajama pants with some Wasabi on my lips. I can so see myself going out like that. It’s scary really. I have to enter the next realm of life just because I can’t control myself around a food I don’t even like. It’s all that “there are starving children in China” talk I heard when I was a young boy. No wonder children in China are so hungry. The Japanese are always sending them Wasabi and they’d rather starve than put that in their mouth.
Here you go Jeff Foxworthy, I am not smarter than a starving 5th grader from China.
(Spell check is not working. Sorry for any mistakes. I also plan on checking out your blogs the next two days, readers. I’ve been a disloyal blogger with other obligations. I forgot what was important, pleasing strangers.)
Update: Spell check worked and I had one error. I forgot to pluralize something. I am so smart.