Regrets

Posted: January 5, 2012 in Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , , , , ,

I don’t like people who say that they don’t regret a thing in their life. Really? Nothing? Not one single embarrassing moment or faux pas? Liar! Nobody is that perfect. Nobody is that optimistic about the way things are in their life. Don’t give me that “everything happens for a reason” “one thing leads to another” “mistakes are make us who we are” garbage. Even if they are all true, it doesn’t mean that you can’t have a regret.

I regret lots of stuff. That doesn’t mean I can’t accept them. I don’t know if given the chance I’d go back and change a thing. I’m too paranoid about that. I’ve seen The Butterfly Effect, A Sound of Thunder, and The Simpsons Halloween episode where Homer travels through time and kills things and that changes the present. Time travel is a scary thing to me. I do believe that the littlest event can change who you are. I also believe that the littlest event can have no relevance to you whatsoever. It’s a crapshoot. It’s better to not worry about it and just do your thang.

The biggest regret of my life happened to me 5 minutes ago. I ate Wasabi. Why? Why did I eat Wasabi? Every time I do I cough and my eyes water. I grab something to drink and mutter swears under my breath. I’m so stupid. Why do I always do this to myself? I’m like the woman who goes back to the abusive boyfriend. It’s time to admit that I like the abuse Wasabi gives me.

(I can’t decide if this looks delicious or like baby shit on St. Patrick’s Day)

Like all trendy hipsters, I enjoy my sushi. I think it has a lot to do with how funny it looks. It doesn’t look like real food. Honestly, I couldn’t tell you what it tastes like or the difference from one kind to another. It’s mostly fun to eat. I feel like I’m eating a cartoon food. Or like in that scene from Hook where they all have to imagine food. Everything is all bright blue and looks like fancy puddings or yogurts. That’s what sushi is to me. It’s a fun alien food that Rufio can throw at me and I can cut in half with a sword.

(Spoiler Alert! This kid becomes the new “Pan” at the end. That move stopped segregation completely in Neverland)

Like all trendy hipsters, I secretly hate myself. That’s why I think I always eat the Wasabi. I like to stare death in the eye. If you’re confused as to what Wasabi is then you’re not trendy like me. It’s this green Play-Do looking food (I cannot confirm that it actually is not Play-Do) that comes from the ass pimples of Satan. It’s the spiciest thing I have ever put in my mouth. And I’ve blown Ricky Martin with a jalapeno under my tongue.

I could easily skip over my Wasabi. The sushi is fine. It also comes with this clear colored stuff that looks like it came off a foot blister. I have no idea what it is, but I like it. I’m the kind of person who always cleans his plate. The last time I remember not clearing my plate was when I bought a salad, didn’t have any dressing, and thought putting hot sauce on it would do the job. I was incorrect. I ate about half the salad then threw it away. Lesson learned.

(Frank’s Redhot, put that shit on anything but a salad)

I know there is a video out there somewhere of Steve-O from Jackass snorting Wasabi. I know, I thought he had enough money too. Those guys need to hire someone to manage their money. Three Jackass movies? Unnecessary. Use your first million to start a company. Don’t waste it away on shots in a Pennsylvania bar. I’m trying to think up a good joke about Ryan Dunn here to finish this paragraph off. That might be insensitive, but remember he was like 30, driving like 100, and had an IQ of about 60. I can never under any circumstances feel bad for someone who drinks and drives then speeds. I understand sometimes there’s no other way to get home. That’s why I added that speed thing in there. If you’re going to be drinking and driving, do it cautiously. You kill someone, we get to castrate you. That sound like a deal? Sorry, this has nothing to do with Wasabi and I know how much you want to hear more about it. I just felt the need to say that drunk drivers are pricks. When you put the lives of anyone else in danger and it isn’t for the greater good then you are a scumbag. You having a fun on a Friday night is not worth anyone dying.

Rants about dumb man-children without talent over, I need to discontinue my Wasabi eating. With most regrets, after time I no longer regret it. I managed to survive a horrific event. I’m fine now. I feel more invincible than ever before. It’s difficult for me to draw the line at anything (I have shaky hands and my lines turn into to Z’s), but I have to with Wasabi. It’s going to end up killing me. My family will find me in my apartment with a half eaten container of sushi in my pajama pants with some Wasabi on my lips. I can so see myself going out like that. It’s scary really. I have to enter the next realm of life just because I can’t control myself around a food I don’t even like. It’s all that “there are starving children in China” talk I heard when I was a young boy. No wonder children in China are so hungry. The Japanese are always sending them Wasabi and they’d rather starve than put that in their mouth.

Here you go Jeff Foxworthy, I am not smarter than a starving 5th grader from China.

(Spell check is not working. Sorry for any mistakes. I also plan on checking out your blogs the next two days, readers. I’ve been a disloyal blogger with other obligations. I forgot what was important, pleasing strangers.)

Update: Spell check worked and I had one error. I forgot to pluralize something. I am so smart.

Comments
  1. “It’s the spiciest thing I have ever put in my mouth. And I’ve blown Ricky Martin with a jalapeno under my tongue.”

    You make me giggle.

    Have you tried putting a SMALL bit of wasabi in a dish of soy sauce? That’s how I was “taught” to eat sushi; the flavor isn’t too intense.

    • mooselicker says:

      You’re going to think I am the dumbest person ever. The premade sushi I get comes with a little packet of soy sauce. I never knew what to really do with it so I’d pour it on my sushi and not taste it. I’m such a savage beast when it comes to eating. I never take my time and I should. I’m lucky to be able to eat fancy foods like sushi and carrot juice. Not all boys are as lucky as I.

      To gloat a moment, I was very proud of that line as well.

  2. Lisa says:

    I don’t like non-regretters either. They seem so sanctimonious and inhuman.
    I’m impressed with your food choices. Very mature and adventurous.
    I eat like a child. Very plain and boring. I might as well live in England and boil my food.

    • Addie says:

      Lisa! You’ve put a crimp in my mental image of you!! Plain and borning? NOOOOO!!! I’m weeping as much as if I was silly enough to a) buy prepacked sushi and b)eat wasabi as if it were guacamole. (my spell check keeps wanting to make wasabi ‘wassail’. I find it ironic it is willing to trade one ick food for another)

      Licker, dear, dear Licker (again, sounds wrong in so many ways)–sushi is pretty much bait. The wasabi is to make you not think about the fact that bottom dwelling fish usually eat for free the thing for which you’ve paid a lot of money. I’m not big on regrets. I’ve no idea what I’d change, if I’m honest. Each thing, each person, in my life has made me who I am, so, whatever I change changes me. Which may not be a bad thing.

    • mooselicker says:

      Most of the sushi I eat comes prepackaged at the grocery store. I don’t know how adventurous that is. When sushi is sold next to a burrito it can’t be real sushi.

      • Addie says:

        Exactly. It’s actually burshi. Should be sold with an extra packet of hot sauce, just in case you want to switch it up a bit.

  3. looky looky i’ve got a Hooky

  4. I ALWAYS have wasabi with my avocado roll; it’s delightful for my sinus angst! The server has to keep bringing me more because I use it like a paste with the soy sauce. YUM!

    • mooselicker says:

      A fellow sinus sufferer, welcome. I almost had my tonsils removed because my sinuses were so bad. I don’t know if they’re related or my family was hoping I’d die while “under.” Who knows?

  5. Lily says:

    I’m not gonna lie, I love Steve-O. I love that he has a tattoo of his face on his back. And I love when he snorts the wasabi. He makes every challenge better because it always ends in puke.
    But yeah, wasabi is death. I just get spicy sushi so I don’t have to mess around with wasabi.

    • mooselicker says:

      I love spicy foods but even spicy sushi isn’t good enough for me. I have a jar of jalapenos that I’ll reach in and munch on every so often. Aren’t us Irish supposed to have no ability to digest spicy foods? We do supposedly love Mexicans so that could be some sort of a duel package.

    • mooselicker says:

      It says I have to download a new flashplayer to view the video. Screw that. I watched The Cove. I know that all the Japanese are filled with mercury. Is that what it’s about? Everyone should see that movie. You’ll hate Japanese people.

  6. I have never had either wasabi or sushi. I wouldn’t bother with sushi ‘cos it looks a bit silly and I would need loads of it to feel full.

    Meat and two veg ftw

    • mooselicker says:

      I think I only ever ate it because of how it looks. I am obsessed with trying silly foods. I went to a sushi buffet and all of it looked like crayons strewn about. It was heaven.

  7. Cafe23 says:

    Yeah, I have to admit I’ve been one of those people to say I don’t regret anything. Probably because if I start down that path, life will get depressing. I’m sure there are things that I wish I could’ve done differently, better. But I know what it’s like to live with feeling a lot of guilt over things and I don’t care for it anymore. So, I’m sorry Tim, but .. I don’t regret a thing in my life =P

    As for wasabi, I can’t eat spicy stuff. Actually, I don’t like raw sushi in the first place. I’ve tried multiple times and I think it’s safe to say that it’s just not gonna happen for me.

    • mooselicker says:

      You’re so boring! What do you eat for dinner? Saltines and water?

      I get saying you don’t regret a thing in hindsight. There has to be a few things out there though that you wish turned out differently. At least some curiosity must exist.

      • Cafe23 says:

        LOL I am pretty boring with what I eat, but I promise it’s not saltines and water for dinner haha.

        For sure, there are things that I wish turned out differently, a lot of things. But if they had, I have a feeling I wouldn’t be where I am right now, and I like where I am right now for the most part. So I guess I could say that I wish certain things were different if only I still get to end up where I am now in the present =P … As for what those certain things are, maybe it’ll make for a blog post one day in the future 🙂

      • mooselicker says:

        There we go! I feel the same way. I would like some things to have gone differently, but at the same time I wouldn’t have learned anything until much later from them.

  8. Addie says:

    I left a question or six on my blog for you.

  9. robpixaday says:

    LMHO!!!

    I’ve never even seen wasabi but I don’t regret that, now.

  10. Pete Howorth says:

    When I was in China my mate bought some sushi that came with a tube of wasabi. Never had it before, he said “Have a go on this mate.” and squirted some on my finger, I ingested it instantly and it was the worst pain I have ever felt in my life. Eyes water, feeling the need to sneeze but unable to, burning my insides like someone had injected bleach.

    The Chinese are crazy.

    • mooselicker says:

      Wasabi was not made for us white guys. I swear I’ve drank hot sauce and I’m fine. Wasabi is too much to handle. Maybe because it’s not liquid and I can’t slurp it down.

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